DiveThru

5 Examples of the Worst Non-Apology Apologies

Life would be sooooo much easier if you could see into another person’s brain, wouldn’t it? If you could see what’s going on in other’s heads, you could know for sure if an apology was actually sincere or not. Unfortunately, we’re not mind readers. (You might be and that’s cool as fuck! But not everyone has superpowers.) So, when we’re given an apology, we regular non-superhumans just have to assume that the person genuinely means it.

But an easy way to tell if an apology is sincere is how it’s phrased. If you’ve ever been told “I’m sorry,” but it didn’t feel like they were genuinely sorry, chances are that it wasn’t legit! We don’t want you to ever be unsure again so we’ve compiled a list of the most common non-apology apologies so that you can sus out the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world!

1. I’m Sorry You Feel That Way

When someone says “I’m sorry you feel that way,” it’s not a real apology. Why? Well, let’s parse it out. “I’m sorry YOU feel that way,” places the blame back onto you. They’re not actually sorry you feel that way. They’re sorry that your emotions are causing them a problem. So, the blame is shifted back onto the receiver.

This is a phrase or form of non-apology that gaslighters use sooo often. It’s a way to emotionally abuse another person and victim-blame them for basically having feelings. This type of fake apology makes the receiver feel like their emotions aren’t valid and that they’re the one with a problem.

2. I’m Sorry If/But…

Ugh, this one is so annoying. When you hear it from someone it doesn’t feel annoying, it feels invalidating! Why? Well, the person giving the fake apology is making excuses for their actions. They already have a reason ready to go to explain how their crappy behaviour was justifiable.

This type of non-apology is all about not taking responsibility for their actions. It’s all about making the receiver think that something only MIGHT have happened — which equals more gaslighting.

I’m sorry, but other people don’t overreact like you do.

I’m sorry but other people would’ve understood it was a joke!

I’m sorry, but you started it!

I’m sorry but you know I’m right

I’m sorry if you were offended.

I’m sorry if I didn’t do it correctly.

I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong.

3. I’m Sorry, But There Are Two Sides to This Story

This one is gross too. Doesn’t it give you such nasty vibes when you read it? Same. An apology isn’t a fricken book! Margaret Atwood isn’t up in your life writing multiple storylines to help this bad apology make sense.

And, a crappy non-apology like this still tosses the blame back onto the receiver and refuses to even try and understand their emotions and feelings. It’s like they’re trying to invalidate both sides of the argument so that no one is right. Because if they feel like they’re not winning, they’ll make darn sure that everyone else loses too.

I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one to blame here. It takes two to tango!

I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one responsible.

I’m sorry, but you played a part in this two!

4. Ugh. Fine! I’m Sorry! Are You Happy Now?

This is the opposite of a good apology. Actually, it might be worse than the opposite! This kind of apology is basically bullying because the person saying it often says it in a threatening tone. They’re likely angry that you’re calling them out and they don’t want to be told that they’re doing anyyyything wrong.

Saying this helps them feel like they can avoid responsibility and, once again, pass the blame for creating negative emotions back onto you. We’re starting to see a pattern here…

5. I Was Just…

Okay class! Time for a pop quiz! It’s not that hard, we promise. What other word has the word “just” in it? That’s right! JUSTIFY!

This type of justifying non-apology argues that what they were doing was okay! They always have their reasons and refuse to listen to the other person’s needs because they don’t want to confront the fact that they did anything incorrect.

I was just trying to be helpful.

I was just trying to get you to calm down.

I was just kidding! God, can’t you take a joke?

I was just trying to get you to see my side!

I was just explaining myself.

People who use these half-hearted, fake apologies aren’t sorry. And that’s the hardest part to grapple with. The apologies you seek may never come. That’s some of the hardest shit to accept! But remember that if anyone has ever said any of these things to you, your feelings are valid. You deserve real apologies, kindness and consideration for your emotions!

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy & How Do You Practice It?

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) can sound like a confusing term when you first come across it. We’re always told that cheating on your partner is bad, right? Ya, cheating is bad, but that’s not what ENM is about. It’s a totally different thing!

Monogamy has been so ingrained in our society that when we come across terms like ENM, it can be confusing, intimidating and kinda scary. We grow up being told that we will eventually find one person that we will love, marry and live happily ever after with. But that’s not always the case and it’s not always necessary!

Sometimes people want to explore sexual and romantic boundaries that lie outside of the traditional box that monogamy offers. But entering into the world of ENM can be a bit scary if you don’t know where to start, what things mean, how relationships are structured, or what you even want! So, that’s what this article is all about!. We’re here to walk you through the basics of ENM!

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

ENM is when people have more than one romantic or sexual partner at one time. The only thing with ENM is that everyone involved is aware and consenting of the dynamic. It uses guidelines and ethical techniques to create and cultivate a relationship (or relationships) within the framework of non-monogamy. But ultimately, ENM means that you can’t cheat or take certain actions without informing your partner(s) and having them be chill with it.

Some see ENM as a lifestyle and others see it as an orientation. For example, a person might think of their version of ENM as a lifestyle while someone who is polyamorous sees their polyamory as part of their identity (like how being gay or bisexual is seen as being part of one’s identity).

You can have different relationships with different people that all serve different purposes. But, you can’t do anything outside of the guidelines of what you and your partner(s) have agreed on. And, you can’t do anything without talking to your partner(s) about it first.

How Do You Practice Ethical Non-Monogamy?

We want to make sure that you know that there is more than one way to practice ENM. In fact, there are sooooo many different ways that ENM can exist! It all depends on the kind of structure that you’re looking for. In any case, let’s give you some guidelines to follow and consider as you enter into an ENM relationship!

Follow The Rules

Okay, this sounds intimidating but it’s really important! There aren’t really “rules,” but agreements and boundaries that everyone involved understands and agrees to. This keeps the relationship collaborative, ethical, and consensual when making a decision about the relationship as a whole.

Be Honest

This is such a major part of ENM relationships! Open communication and pure honesty are vital to the success of any relationship, but especially an ENM relationship. Honesty helps set boundaries for everyone to respect and follow, and helps ensure that everyone in the relationship is getting the kind of fulfilment they’re looking for from it. Honesty can help partners work through some really tough situations and feelings — all while maintaining and cultivating trust.

Consider Each Other’s Feelings

This tip should be a no-brainer! It’s important to consider how your partners might feel in reaction to the choices you make/want to make. When you’re in an EMN relationship, your actions impact the emotional and sexual well-being of a number of other people. It’s hard to have to think about how things could potentially impact others when you just want to DO something (or someone 😉), but it’s necessary!

It’s a lot to think about, but these considerations are vital. This way everyone is happy, cared for, respected and loved!

Types of Relationship Structures

The beautiful and amazing thing about ENM relationships is that they can look howeverrrrr you want them to! You can have multiple partners where you all are involved with each other, or you can have a primary partner that you remain connected two while the both of you explore separate relationships in a serious or casual capacity. There really isn’t a specific kind of framework that you need to follow. It all comes down to how the people you’re in a relationship with want to interact with each other. Only you know what will work best for you! With that being said, here are some relationship structures and terms that can be found under the ENM umbrella:

Compersion

The opposite of jealousy. When you feel joy seeing another person happy.

Metamour

Your partner’s partner.

Monogamish

This is a term that was recently created to mean being mostly monogamous with the ability to have a sexual encounter outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in monogamish relationships don’t frequently have sex outside of their relationship, but when they do, it is done with their partner’s knowledge (and usually when one person is out of town). There is no emotion involved with these uncommon rendezvous.

Open Relationship

The ability to explore sexual relationships with others. Each open relationship has its own set of rules that everyone agrees to and is aware of.

Paramour

Someone who is an outside party to a marriage. For example, your wife’s girlfriend.

Polyamory

The practice of engaging in multiple intimate relationships. These relationships can be romantic, or they can be sexual (but they don’t have to be). All people involved consent to the relationship, the dynamic and the structure between all partners. Polyamory is also deeper than just a one-night-stand kinda thing. It is about forming deep relationships with other people. But, it can also be about sex! It all comes down to what you want your relationship dynamic to look like.

Hierarchical Polyamory

Like with secondary relationships, people don’t really like to use this term of hierarchical polyamory. No one wants to be thought of as lesser than! But the idea behind it is to help you organize and structure your relationships with boundaries, connections and expectations that everyone is comfortable with.

Sexually Monogamous Polyamory

Some people have someone that they’re married to or live with, and then they have another person that they love or have a deep connection with but do not have sex with. So, you could say that they are sexually monogamous while emotionally polyamorous.

Polycule

The entire network of relationships. Imagine a string on a wall connecting everyone to each other in different ways.

Polyfidelity

This is used to define a sexually exclusive and closed set of relationships.

Primary Relationship

Some people have a central relationship that they return to. For example, a married couple who is involved in swinging will live a married life together and return to each other after being sexually intimate with others.

Quad

A relationship involving four people. For example, a couple can each find another person to be involved with.

Full Quad

A relationship involving four people who are all sexually and romantically involved with each other.

Secondary Relationships

Some partners find this term to be offensive because it makes them feel lesser than. But the idea behind this term is that they are not in the primary relationship. Their life is not as entwined with their partner as someone in a primary relationship might be.

Swinging

This is when a couple engages in sexual play with a single person or another couple (or couples). Long-term relationships aren’t the goal when it comes to swinging. It’s all about having some sexual fun, as a couple, with others!

Triad

A relationship involving three people who are all sexually and romantically involved with each other.

Does that clear some things up? Yes? No? Maybe a little? Ethical-non monogamy is a super nuanced and individual kind of experience. We can’t tell you what would be best for you, only you can decide that! We didn’t cover everything that there ever was to know about ENM, so we encourage you to totally do your own research! A great starting point would be to read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

And with that, we shall bid you adieu. Have fun, and remember, COMMUNICATION IS KEY! We love you!

5 Different Somatoform Disorders & How They Show Up

When you Google “health anxiety,” you’ll likely get two results: illness anxiety disorders and somatic symptom disorders (also known as somatoform disorders). We’re gonna be tackling that second term today! While illness anxiety often makes you think you have symptoms when you don’t, somatic symptoms are very real and can be quite serious — because you ARE feeling pain, but there’s nothing physically wrong with you!

It’s defs stressful and overwhelming to experience an invisible disorder (especially without concrete answers from doctors). And it’s not just one disorder, it’s a whoooole group of them! So, we’re gonna dive into what the different types are, how they affect you and what you can do to treat them.

What Are Somatoform Disorders?

Somatic symptom disorders are any form of thoughts or feelings related to health concerns or physical symptoms, usually lasting for more than 6 months. These emotional states pretty much TURN into physical symptoms, which is called “somatization.” So, in big science-y terms, turning psychosomatic pain into somatic pain!

It tends to show up in at least one of three ways…

1. Constantly thinking about the severity of your symptoms.

2. Persistently anxious (at suuuper high levels) about health or symptoms.

3. Devoting a lot of time and energy to those symptoms or health concerns.

These aren’t things that show up in a routine blood test, and a doctor isn’t gonna be able to just sense what’s going on beneath the surface. Basically, YOU genuinely believe something is wrong with your body while medical professionals say “it’s all in your head” (and it kinda is, but your pain is still completely valid).

5 Types Of Somatoform Disorders

Like we mentioned above, somatic symptom disorders aren’t just ONE thing — they’re a whole bundle of uncomfy disorders. Here are the 5 ways they can manifest.

1. Somatization Disorder: thinking worst-case scenario about minor symptoms that pop up.

2. Illness Anxiety Disorder: imagining you have symptoms of a very serious disease, like cancer.

3. Conversion Disorder: having symptoms that suggest a serious disease of the brain or nerves.

4. Body Dysmorphic Disorder: spending a lot of time being concerned about your appearance.

5. Pain Disorder: having persistent pain that can’t be linked to a physical disorder.

And these still don’t take into account the other forms of prolonged pain that don’t quite meet the criteria of a somatoform disorder!

Somatoform Disorders Symptoms

Despite falling under the same umbrella term, these 5 disorders are very unique and also have different symptoms associated with them! Let’s take a look at how each one affects your body and mind.

Somatization Disorder

You may experience a combination of headaches, nausea, abdominal pain, bowel problems, fatigue, joint pain, random aches and pains, or loss of libido. All of these symptoms are scary to you and you assume they’re harmful!

Illness Anxiety Disorder

Also known as “hypochondriasis.” You’re hyperfocused on developing a certain disease, so you stay away from high-risk places (like hospitals) and always look up illnesses online!

Conversion Disorder

You suddenly lose your vision or hearing, become paralyzed, or experience numbness or weakness in your arms or legs. This is likely brought on by a stressful situation that turns physical very quickly.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

This one causes you to excessively focus on what you believe to be a defect with a part of your body. You also spend a lot of time worrying about your physical appearance.

Pain Disorder

Experiencing overall pain that causes you a lot of discomfort and stress. It’s caused by psychological factors. And the severity and duration of those psychological factors will affect the severity and duration of your pain.

What Causes Somatoform Disorders?

Unfortunately, researchers still don’t really know what causes somatoform disorders. Inconvenient, right?! If you have any of these somatoform disorders, you likely seek medical attention over mental. And, doctors often have a hard time seeing past the lack of illnesses behind your physical symptoms (which is ironically the root of this problem). But here are a few risk factors that researchers believe do contribute to it.

Having anxiety or depression
Being diagnosed with a medical condition or having recovered from one
Traumatic experiences that have happened in your life
Being at-risk for conditions because of family medical history

Diagnosis & Treatment Options

Once you step away from the medical world and go to a mental health professional, they will likely ask you about your family history and any sources of stress you face. From there, they may look for the following things to formally diagnose you if:

One or more physical symptoms interfere with your day-to-day life.
You spend too much time and energy worrying about your symptoms and health.
You’ve experienced symptoms for 6 months or more, even if they’ve changed a bit.

From there, they will probably set you on a therapy plan or see if medication is the right route for you! Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), for example, helps break the negative thought patterns and find new ways to manage health anxiety.

We hope this information has been helpful if you, or a loved one, are dealing with a somatoform disorder. As always, we recommend that you seek professional, medical assistance for a formal diagnosis and treatment options. Take care of yourself! We love you!

How To Apologize: 7 Ways To Say I’m Sorry

No one likes to admit they’re wrong, and very rarely do people want to apologize for their actions. Why? Because you don’t like to feel as though you’ve hurt someone! It’s much easier to distance yourself, not take the blame and just attribute the mistake to someone or something else. But the art of apologizing is an important one!

Admitting you’re wrong and fessing up to a mistake can feel like the shittiest thing you’ve everrrr done! No one likes to admit they’re wrong…especially if it means that you’ve unintentionally hurt someone. But regardless of your intentions, sometimes you have to pick up your courage, set aside your pride and say “I’m sorry.”

Good thing that we’re here to help walk you through how to apologize. Because One Republic and Timbaland were wrong when they said that it’s too late to apologize! It’s NEVER too late!

1. Be Genuine

When it comes to an apology, there is nothing better than a genuine one! We can all say that we’re sorry, but saying that you’re sorry and genuinely meaning it are two totallyyy different things. A sincere apology doesn’t include you trying to explain away your mistakes, adding a “but” at the end of it, or trying to justify your actions.

No one wants a half-assed apology! And, the person you’re apologizing to can tell if you don’t mean it. So, be as genuine, sincere and sorry as you can be.

2. Change Your Actions

The best way possible to show that you’re sorry is to change your actions. If you’re eating this magical ice cream that keeps appearing in your freezer, only to find out that it’s your roommate’s special treat for themselves, don’t eat it again!

When you show that you’re changing your actions, it also shows that you don’t want to repeat your mistake and that you respect the other person’s feelings, needs and property. Changing your behaviour is the perfect way to show that you don’t want to hurt them again!

3. Show Remorse

This can be a hard thing to embody when apologizing to someone, so let’s give you an example of how to do this.

Let’s say you accidentally run over someone’s bike and totally trash it. Your natural instinct is to run away from the scene of the crime and pretend that it definitelyyy wasn’t you who just turned this bike into scrap metal. Instead, to show remorse, you can own up to the situation, stick around at the scene and offer to replace/repair the bike.

Doing this shows that you’re serious about being sorry and that you’re regretful of what happened. And honestly, it makes an apology mean that much more!

4. Take Responsibility

Don’t blame anyone else for something that you did. If you’re the accidental bike-basher in the last example, don’t pass the blame onto the sweet older woman walking past you! (We doubt that people would believe that she was the culprit, but it’s best to not do that anyway.)

It’s easy to get caught up thinking that if someone hadn’t done/said something, you wouldn’t have done what you did. But passing on the blame invalidates any apology. It helps your brain and ego separate you from being responsible for what’s gone wrong. And, even though you might feel less guilty passing off the blame to someone else, that nasty little emotion of guilt will catch up to you in the long run. So, it’s better to reinforce your apology with action by owning up to what you’ve done.

5. Make An Effort

Saying sorry is all well and good, but words can only do so much. Just like with changing your actions, it’s important to make an effort when you apologize. Depending on what you’re apologizing for you’ll have to back it up with proof that you want to improve.

This could look like educating yourself about different cultures if you’ve made certain statements or assumptions. It could mean taking your partner out on regular dates when they’ve expressed that they feel forgotten when you don’t go out often. It could also be working to cut down the amount of time that you spend on your phone when you’re around your partner because they’ve expressed that they feel distant from you when all you two do is scroll.

Major action changes can’t happen overnight, and they can’t happen without making the effort!

6. Acknowledge What You Did Wrong

Fess up! Own it! Step up and explain your mistake! (Omg sorry, that sounded soooo harsh. EXPLAIN YOURSELF!) We’re only half-joking though because we really do mean it!

Remember that scene from Elf when Buddy writes his apology note to his family before heading back to the North Pole? “I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR.” Even though Buddy might be super in his feels in this moment, he’s owning up to disrupting the dynamic of his fam and for also putting baked goods where they definitely shouldn’t go.

When you acknowledge what you did wrong, it shows that you want to repair your relationship with the person you’ve hurt and that you are big enough to admit your mistakes. If we could have it our way, our mistakes would be quietly swept under the rug, never to be seen or heard from again! UGH! If ONLY it could work like that! But if you admit your mistakes, it shows your maturity, your willingness to repair the situation and that you respect the person enough to own up to it.

7. Ask How You Can Help

Sometimes, you don’t know what someone needs after you’ve apologized to them. Everyone is different and has different ways of healing. They might need some time and space to process their emotions around what’s just happened, or hearing sorry might be enough for them. You won’t know what they need unless you ask! You can say “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. Is there anything I can do for you?” Or, “is there anything you need right now?”

Asking them what they need also shows consideration for their feelings too! So even though you may have messed up and fessed up, considering what the other person needs in order to heal is an amazing and compassionate thing to do.

When To Save Your Sorrys

It’s important to note that when you’re apologizing for something that it’s not taking the responsibility for someone else’s mistake. If you notice that someone in your life is gaslighting you, putting the blame onto you, or making things seem like they’re your problem — don’t automatically apologize and take the blame! It might feel like the easier option at the time, but as time passes, this pattern will continue to happen, and then you’ll be apologizing for things that aren’t your fault! Don’t automatically take the blame in certain situations. If you find yourself being feeling like the scapegoat for everything then reevaluate the situation, see who is making you feel that way and take steps to remove yourself as their emotional punching bag.

And there you have it! That’s all the advice that we can give about how to say sorry! We genuinely hope that this helps make the apology process a little bit easier! It’s never easy to say that you’re sorry, but it’s important to remember that it’s never too late!

8 Resources to Learn More About Queer History

Okay, so you want to learn about queer history, huh? Well, good news! You’ve come to the right place! Whether you’re part of the queer community or you’re an ally, it’s important to understand the connection between queer history and queer mental health.

History Of The Word ‘Queer’

Back in the late 19th century, “queer” insinuated sexual deviance. By the 20th century, it was used alongside other slurs to refer to men who were seen as being too feminine or gay — and it stayed that way until the 1980s.

If you ask your parents what the word “queer” means, they’ll likely say it’s a derogatory and outdated term. And back in their day it totally was an insult! But during the 80s, activists and members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community started to use ‘queer’ as a way of reclaiming a term once used to demonize and “other” them from society at large.

Today, it helps to include those who the acronym forgets. Some in the LGBTQIA2S+ community still see “queer” as problematic or controversial, so they prefer not to use it. For some, it is a positive or neutral identifier for the non-cis/hetero-ness of their sexuality or gender.

Queer Studies

Queer studies is an academic specification that focuses on the issues related to those in the LGBTQIA2S+ community. The studies relate to intersectional feminism, race, sexuality, gender, gender dysphoria and basically any topic related to being a queer person.

Queer studies differs from queer theory (which is the viewpoint and lens through which one considers and challenges all topics). It began as a study on LGBTQIA2S+ history and theory, but has now expanded to include discussions relating to biology, sociological issues, psychology, anthropology, history, ethics, political science and more.

Queer Theory

Queer theory is a critical theory and perspective that came from the academic area of queer studies. It challenges societal and heteronormative constructs that exclude or limit the inclusion of those in the queer community. It began back in the 1980s with queer studies and was inspired by the ideals of philosopher Michel Foucault, who saw sexuality as a social construct.

Since the first queer theory conference in 1990, queer theory has been gaining recognition, traction and legitimacy as an academic specialization and critical theory.

Queer Culture

It’s important to understand that queer culture is more than drag queens on reality competition shows. It comes from a need to survive in a society that still challenges the community’s existence, rights and freedoms. Queer culture is created by, and for, LGBTQIA2S+ people.

Culture is described as “the characteristics and knowledge of a particular group of people, encompassing language, religion, cuisine, social habits, music and arts.”

So, with that definition of culture in mind…queer culture refers to, and encompasses, works by queer people, including music and arts, social scenes and language. It also refers to the collective knowledge of queer history and events, social movements, and historical and contemporary figures (politicians, drag queens and kings, and other pop culture icons).

Mental Health In LGBTQ History

It’s horrifying to know that up until as recently as the 70s, gay bars were frequently raided by police and practicing homosexuality was illegal. The attitude towards those in the queer community was (and, somewhat still is) that of distaste and contention. Today’s Pride parades are the resulting celebration of an iconic turning point in LGBTQ+ history. They honour the Stonewall Riots of 1969 — riots that began after a police raid of the Stonewall Inn in New York City.

Another monumental change for queer rights and mental health came in 1973 with the release of the DSM-3 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Homosexuality was no longer listed as a mental illness in the medical field.

And, just A FEW YEARS AGO, in 2019, the World Health Organization FINALLY stopped classifying being transgender as a mental illness.

This is why it is so important to educate people and empower members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

Queer History Resources

Learning about queer history helps to connect people of all orientations, genders and identities. Knowing the importance of community and why it started can help a person connect to others and understand themself on a deeper and more meaningful level than they might not have ever thought possible. However you identify, it is important to acknowledge the history of the LGBTQIA2S+ community in order to better understand and support the community today.

These films, essays, novels, websites, and a podcast will help you learn more about the community and the importance of Pride month.

1. The Death And Life Of Marsha P. Johnson

This 2017 film on Netflix tells the story of the drag queen and trans woman of colour who helped lead the fight for queer liberation – Marsha P. Johnson. While this documentary centres on the mysterious death of Marsha P. Johnson, it also discusses queer culture and queer history as it happened back in the 60s, 70s, and 80s.

The film highlights how really fucking hard it was for queer people! Queer liberation wasn’t what it looks like today. While there’s still so much work to be done in the fight for equal rights, the film highlights just how far the queer community has come. You can watch this film on Netflix.

2. The GLBT Historical Society

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender (GLBT) Historical Society is a recognized leader in queer public history. They strive to make queer history accessible and available to everyone and “promote understanding of LGBTQ history, culture and arts in all their diversity.” We LOVE that!

And you know what? They definitely practice what they preach because you can find a plethora of information on their site. There are a number of oral history projects to discover, digital collections to look through, and even a physical museum that you can visit! But not all of us are able to visit their physical space, so their online resources will have to do until we can be there in person!

Head to their website here!

3. Teaching LGBTQ History

This website is all about LGBTQ+ history! This site is an amazing resource for people who want to learn more about queer history, and those who want to teach it!

There are a number of lesson plans and resources for professionals and educators. And, a timeline of American history with important queer history markers. Think of this as a mini version of a queer studies course!

Visit their website to learn more!

4. History of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Social Movements

In an essay published by the APA website, author Bonnie J. Morris, PhD, details the history of social movements within the queer community (Yes, yes, yes, we know. You read the title!). This super-duper detailed essay covers a number of topics and events that are important and integral to the history and foundation of queer culture.

Click here to read the essay!

5. Making Queer History

This site is fuuuuullllllll to the brim of incredible articles, videos, and resources. They also give you a beginner’s guide to learning about queer history! There’s so much to cover and it can be overwhelming to know where to start looking or even WHAT to start learning about.

This site helps break down the steps to learning about the LGBTQ+ community. And, it gives you great resources to start reading and absorbing.

Check out their advice and resources!

6. Before Stonewall

Before Stonewall is a documentary film about the often unheard queer history that came before the Stonewall Riots.

This was a particularly difficult film to make because the directors had to search and comb through the archives of a forgotten time and subculture that society wanted to hide and shun away. But what they did find helped create an incredible piece of historical documentation that can now be watched on Amazon Prime.

7. Making Gay History Podcast

If you want to learn about important figures from LGBTQ+ history, you have found the right podcast, my friend! Host Eric Marcus focuses each episode on an important figure within the queer community. Eric highlights the heroes and champions of the liberation of an entire group of people.

The podcast includes audio interviews Eric conducted decades ago. With 8 full seasons (AND BONUS EPISODES!!!) you’ll learn all about queer history.

Listen to their podcast here!

8. Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza

In this semi-autobiographical novel, Borderlands/La Frontera, Gloria E. Anzaldúa talks about life growing up on the Texas/Mexico border. Anzaldua — a writer and American scholar of Chicana cultural theory, feminist theory, and queer theory — recounts the oppression of Chicana lesbians, and the gender roles and expectations that came along with being a woman during this time, and in this area.

Within this book, she develops the idea of a higher consciousness that helps fight against patriarchal expectations, breaking down the barriers in place that enforce gender roles and norms — all while simultaneously exploring a life caught between two cultures.

It’s important to know and understand queer history because it’s part of WORLD history! It’s so often swept under the rug and forgotten about, but more people should understand queer culture, history, and theory because it matters! And if you’re part of this awesome and powerful community, remember that YOU matter. We love you!

10 Ways to Heal From Fat Shaming Experiences with Family

People can be super harsh sometimes! And it’s especially hard to hear someone from your family fat shaming you. What the heck happened to unconditional love and support?! They may try to justify their rude behaviour by saying they just want you to “eat better” and “be healthy,” but this is called concern trolling and it’s almost always less about you and more about them projecting their fatphobia onto you.

There are SO many non-food-related factors that can lead to larger bodies, like genetics, medical conditions, certain medications, and a lot more. And, medical professionals are now seeing the pitfalls and harms of focusing on weight loss as a medical intervention and have begun to focus on health-promoting behaviours and evidence-based medicine for patients of every size.

Dissecting Weight Stigma

Society and popular media have perpetuated this “perfect ideal” of thinness, and when someone doesn’t match that EXACT image they get shamed for it! Totally uncool, right? Weight stigma is a type of discrimination aimed at a person’s weight, using fat shaming and concern trolling to maintain the status quo. And, according to the National Eating Disorders Association, weight discrimination even happens more often than age and gender discrimination!

Fat shaming happens at work, at school, in public, at doctors’ offices, or in the home — and alllll of it causes intense psychological damage, ranging from poor body image to depression to anxiety to eating disorders and more.

Healing From Fat Shaming

It can be suuuper hard to heal from these kinds of wounds, especially when they’re coming from family members who are supposed to accept you no matter what. So, we’ve got 10 tips to help you embrace fat acceptance and hopefully kick that fat shaming to the curb!

1. Speak Up When You’re Uncomfortable

Tip number 1 is arguably a lot easier said than done! But it’s a BIG step in taking charge of your body and not accepting the shitty things people say to you. As soon as someone mentions your size or asks about something you’re eating, make it known that it’s not okay!!! Their opinion is not welcome and you don’t have to take it. Speak up when you’re uncomfy and put ‘em in their place, babe!

2. Set Boundaries

Alright, going off of tip 1, actively voicing your boundaries ahead of time or following a fatphobic incident is sooooo important (or else your family might just keep stomping all over them). So, if someone is doing or saying something that is harmful to you — and the right words aren’t at the tip of your tongue — here are some examples you can customize to whatever situation you’re in!

“I would like it if we didn’t talk about weight when we’re together. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“Negative body language is not something I’m okay with. Let’s talk about something else.”

“I’m not up for any kind of dieting or weight loss discussions.”

“My body/fashion choices/eating habits are not up for discussion.”

3. Talk To Someone You Trust

Talking through your feelings with someone you trust, and someone you know accepts you no matter what, can feel like a HUGE weight lifted off your shoulders! It’s so relieving to have a person validate what you’re going through because your family likely never even acknowledges that what they’ve done is wrong. So, find a close friend, coworker, or sibling who won’t judge you and vent away baby!

4. Be Kind To Your Body

Being kind to your body can apply to all kinds of things! Just make sure you’re taking it easy on yourself and giving your body what it needs, when it needs it. Maybe that’s intuitive eating, where you eat when you’re hungry and stop eating when you’re full. Or, maybe that means joyful movement, not because you’re trying to lose weight but because it FEELS GOOD! Or, ridding your closet of any clothing that doesn’t currently fit you and is uncomfortable to wear (plus, you don’t need that constant reminder of the “goal weight” outfit you’ve yet to fit — trust us, we’ve been there). Finally cut ties with that “friend” who always makes remarks about your bod. Compassionately listen to what your body wants, rather than hurting it to fit some impossible “ideal image.”

5. Use Affirmations

Sometimes you just gotta look in a mirror and tell yourself how much you respect and appreciate your body! Trust us, it works! Daily affirmations can really help you break the cycle of self-deprecation that your family may have ingrained in you. They change those negative thought patterns into positive ones, boost your self-confidence, and turn your subconscious towards newer (and healthier) beliefs! Give it a try and say these with us:

“I accept my body as it is today.”

“My weight doesn’t define my worth.”

“I’m grateful that my body is strong and capable.”

“I will not give power to other people’s opinions on my body.”

6. Do Things That Make You Feel Good

Back to being kind to your body…you should only do what makes you feel good! ‘Cause suffering through a workout if that isn’t what you want to do will NOT make you feel good and will likely only make you averse to physical movement in the long run. If a high-intensity workout IS what you enjoy, then all the power to you! But maybe your thing is going for a nice long walk around the block, or going for a swim, or having a dance party in your bedroom because you love a good tune. Whatever activity (or lack thereof) that vibes with your body most is what you should be doing, regardless of what anyone else thinks is “healthiest” for you *insert eye roll here.*

7. Wear Things That Make You Feel Good

We’ve all tried to fit into something that we find super cute, but it doesn’t end up being very comfortable and we don’t feel good because of it! Try to find clothes that fill you well, are comfy af, and maybe even still accentuate those bomb curves, and you’ll feel sooo much better while wearing them. Looking cute WHILE being comfortable? It’s the best of both worlds! And it’ll help you focus on the other things going on in your life, rather than constantly fidgeting in clothes that don’t feel good.

8. Curate Your Social Media

Social media is where a lot of us spend a big chunk of our time and it can be one hell of a place. So, if you see some toxic positivity on your feed that you’re just NOT vibing with because you’re on a different journey, unfollow those people! Follow plus-size creators and activists who make you feel seen and empowered. And if it’s important to you, there are accounts that focus on physical movement and gentle nutrition while throwing diet culture out the fucking window. Turn your social media feeds into somewhere you WANT to be — where you feel GOOD about yourself — ‘cause that’s how it should be!

9. Find Role Models

When we say role models, we mean folks who EMBODY self-acceptance — like Lizzo! She embraces alllll of herself and wants you to as well. ‘Cause you DO look “good as hell” baby! You can also follow some fat liberation influencers who educate the heck out of people on Instagram, like @yrfatfriend and @bodyposipanda. Finding role models who set a good example of how to live a full and meaningful life outside of diet culture can teach us that there are many paths to happiness and self-acceptance without the pressure to change our bodies or shrink ourselves.

10. Get Involved In Activism

Our last tip is to get involved in activism yourself, and teach others about the realities of fatphobia and weight stigma! There is a whole fat liberation movement giving voice to the most marginalized of folks. As well as body neutrality — which is all about valuing what your body DOES for you rather than how it looks while doing it. Getting involved in movements like these can help change the cultural landscape so that there is less fatphobia for us to heal from in the first place. Activism can also help you feel SO empowered and in charge of your body, and you 1000% deserve to love the skin you’re in and have full agency over your own body.

If you’ve ever experienced fat shaming or body shaming by people who should have your best interests in mind, we hope these 10 tips will help you start to heal from that trauma. Because you should be able to feel comfortable and loved in all of your relationships at any size! WE love you and have got your back!

What Does A Queerplatonic Relationship Look Like?

Attraction comes in so many forms, and today we’re talking about queerplatonic relationships.

Let’s say that, for you, you don’t have to be sexually attracted to someone to want to develop a deep and connected relationship with them. The sexual aspect doesn’t have to be part of it (or, it could be — the options are endless!).

Let’s say you want to explore an attraction to a person because you feel like it could be something wonderful, new, deeper and different than any friendship you’ve ever had (totally what you’re looking for in your life). This relationship might not fit into any traditional boxes that you’re familiar with, but that’s okay! You’re not looking for that.

What you’re looking for is a queerplatonic relationship!

What is a Queer Platonic Relationship?

If this is your first time hearing about queerplatonic relationships – welcome to the education station, friend! If this isn’t the first time you’re hearing about QPRs, you’re still welcome!

Before we get too deep into what makes a relationship a queerplatonic one, let’s talk about these other names that it can go by. You might hear:

Quasiplatonic relationship
QPR
Quirkyplatonic relationship
Qplatonic relationship

We’re just going to stick to calling it a QPR for short. Sound good? Okay, so now that we’ve got that established, let’s get into the deets about QPRs.

When we hear the word platonic, what comes to mind? Friendship, trust, love and all the good feelings ever — just minus the romance and the sexy times. Now, a QPR is a relationship that doesn’t abide by traditional heteronormative rules. It bends and changes the rules of what western culture understands as a monogamous or committed relationship because it’s different from what people usually consider to be socially acceptable for a platonic relationship. It involves so much more than just friendship or romance. QPRs foster mutual deep intimacy and trust between partners with a level of emotional closeness and loyalty usually found in a romantic relationship. The only difference is that the QPR is, well…platonic!

There are typically hard lines separating friendship and romance, but in QPRs there are NO lines! Societal norms usually dictate that romantic partners should be more physically and emotionally close to each other. Holding hands, cuddling, touching and kissing are seen as things that only people in romantic relationships do. But in QPRs, you can do all of these things and more! With your queerplatonic partner, you can raise children, buy a house, and plan other major life activities that used to be reserved for one person or one romantic life partner.

What Does A QPR Look Like?

Even though it’s hard to define, we’re going to try! Okay *deep breath in* here we go! A QPR is based on an intentional commitment without assumptions of sexual or romantic entanglement.

People in QPRs have a deep (a SUPER deep) commitment to each other in the sense that they want to plan their lives together and around one another. This is generally each person’s primary attachment adult relationship. They don’t have to live in the same house, but there’s a continual steadiness that keeps them grounded and devoted in their relationship. There’s also a commitment to life-planning that involves each other in non-traditional ways. In a QPR, you can be each other’s emergency contacts, move to the other side of the world for your partner, and see you spending your lives together in whatever way works best for you!

The Rules

Here’s the thing about QPRs — while they CAN be platonic, they can also involve sexual and intimate elements that the people involved are wanting to experience. The most important thing is that the people involved in the QPR make the rules. Each relationship looks different because everyone has different needs that are being met by different people and partners.

The expectations in a QPR aren’t the same as the ones in a typical heteronormative relationship. Some people in QPRs describe it as something they’ve never experienced before. It totally questions the models of monogamy and says “fuck the patriarchy!” all in one. It’s been described by some as romanticism in a very queer way and also something that fulfils the needs that one might not receive from other relationships.

And, a QPR can be integrated into a polyamorous relationship model if that’s what is desired. It can be seen as a grounding, loving, kind and centring relationship. One person that we spoke to in doing research for this article said that their other relationships were successful because they have their QPR to return to. “It feels steady instead of stagnant,” they explained.

Throw those traditional relationship markers out the window! No expectations, only love and a deeper emotional intimacy that is difficult to describe.

Why The Term QPR Began

The term “queerplatonic relationship” was first documented on December 24, 2010. Yep — we know the date AND time it was first conceptualized! It was found in an online thread called Kaz’s Scribblings and totally caught on to help describe the desire for an aromantic type of relationship that lives apart from the binary categories of romance and friendship.

QPRs are most commonly practiced by people who are asexual or aromantic. Because of this, the way they describe their QPR partners is different from “partner,” or “boy/girlfriend.” It’s hard to put a label on something that has no clear definition, so why not create your own! Here are two definitions that help classify different types of emotional connections or relationships in a QPR.

Squish, Plush And Squash

Having a squish is like having a crush — but only in relation to a QPR. It’s a desire to have an intimate relationship with someone that can go beyond what a traditional friendship looks like.

Zucchini

Calling your QPR partner a Zucchini originally started as a joke in the a-spec community because they were looking for a word to properly describe their significant other. The joke was that they could call each other anything, including “zucchini,” so the term just stuck around. And tbh, we super love it!

At the end of the day, your relationship is whateverrrr you want it to be! You don’t have to abide by any specific rules or societal expectations. You do what is best for you and your partner! Maybe a QPR is the perfect type of relationship to fit your needs.

(Also, we know that we’re not perfect! We’ve tried our best with this article to include as much information about QPRs as possible and represent and describe the experience as best we can. But if you feel like we’ve missed something or should include something, don’t hesitate to reach out to us and let us know. Send us an email and we’ll happily fix our mistakes!)

5 Tips on How to Deal with Bullies at Any Age

When we think of bullies, maybe we automatically think of that mean kid on the playground who pushed us off the monkey bars and called us names, like “stupid head.” Ooh, burn. Kids have the BEST insults, right? It probably still really hurt at the time, though!

That pain is so valid! AND it’s so important to keep in mind that bullies don’t just go away when we grow up and leave those playgrounds behind. Nopeee! Unfortunately, they’re still everywhere. Aside from bullying in school, there are our sports teams, social circles and workplaces. Bullies cross our personal boundaries and try to overpower us because, well…hurt people will hurt people. Bullying rarely ever has anything to do with you, and everything to do with them. Of course, this doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it can help explain it. And, stating the obvious here, but bullying in any form can have some seriously negative impacts on our mental wellbeing.

Let’s dive through the different types of bullying and how to deal with bullies (if you’re unfortunate to cross paths with one!).

Types of Bullying

So, since you’re not on that playground anymore…what even is bullying and what does it look like as you get older? ‘Cause chances are, you aren’t getting pushed off those monkey bars any time soon. At least, we really hope not! There are actually a few different types of bullying, so let’s get into those and what they can look like in your life.

Physical Bullying

This form of bullying includes hitting, tripping, kicking, punching, slapping and pretty much any physical contact that is violent and unwanted. Physical attacks are what most people might think of when they think of bullies, but it looks kinda different when you leave elementary school. Adult bullies can still harm you physically, but they might also stalk you, steal from you or damage your property. They might even threaten to harm people in your life in order to hurt you. Big yikes.

Verbal Bullying

Verbal bullying is all about words. Not nice or super uplifting words, obviously. These words are meant to put you down and make you feel small, like a teensy lil’ bug under their shoe. It can be name-calling, insults, or any off-handed statements that are suuuper hurtful and uncalled for. This form of bullying can also include spreading rumours, gossip, or lies about you to harm your reputation and ruin your relationships. Yeppp, it’s nasty stuff!

Social Bullying

Okay, this is one that’s probs less talked about since it can be kinda…discrete? It’s less obvious than calling someone a name or shoving them, but it’s still suuuper hurtful and unfair. This form of bullying (also called emotional bullying) is just downright MEAN. It’s all about purposefully ostracizing someone by being socially manipulative AF. By spreading lies about you, ruining your relationships and breaking others’ trust in you, these bullies will turn your peers against you to make sure you’re excluded from the group. HOW CRUEL.

Prejudicial Bullying

Ugh, this is all about bullying someone based on their race, ethnicity, religion, beliefs or sexual orientation. It can also involve any other type of bullying: physical, verbal, social, sexual, or cyberbullying and is meant to single someone out for their difference. So basically, it’s an act of discrimination and can even lead to severe hate crimes in the worst cases. WTF…we have no words.

Sexual Bullying

This form of bullying involves humiliating or harming a person in a sexual way. It can look like sexual name-calling, making inappropriate comments about your appearance or sexual development or sexual activity, slut-shaming and even revenge porn. Also, vulgar gestures, unwanted touching, or propositioning fall under sexual bullying. Sexting can even lead to bullying when it involves sharing someone’s nudes without permission to mock that person or violate their privacy, and it falls under harassment. Actually, many forms of sexual bullying can lead to harassment which is sooo scary and sad to think about.

Cyberbullying

The effects of cyberbullying are no joke. Basically, when someone uses any form of technology to harass, threaten or humiliate you, that’s considered cyberbullying. They could spam you with nasty texts or DMs, post embarrassing photos of you without your permission, make a private hate page about you on Instagram, or form a group chat to mock you. Sometimes cyberbullying can be especially terrible when it’s from someone anonymous, so you’re not even sure who’s targeting you. These types of bullies feel safe behind a screen, but their victims feel anything BUT safe — especially since we all use our tech pretty much 24/7!

How to Deal with Bullies

Every situation looks a lil’ bit different, but just know that you do NOT have to just “let it go” and hope the bullying stops on its own. Bullies will continue to hurt people as long as they can, and that’s just the sad reality. We totally get it though — dealing with a bully is not easy by any means! If you’re dealing with a bully, we support you and want you to know that you’re not alone in this. So, let’s have a look at some ways you can handle bullies!

1. Consider Your Bully’s Motivation

Bullying is NEVER okay, so that’s defs not what we’re saying here! But considering what your bully’s motivation is can help you take their actions or words less personally. Maybe they’re upset you got a big promotion over them, so they’ve turned to bullying out of spite. They might feel like you’re more ‘liked’ than them in your social circle, so they try to turn your besties against you. Or maybe you’re dating someone they had a big crush on and they’re super jelly of your relationship. Heck, there might not even BE a real reason other than they just like to be a jerk. But, at the end of the day, there’s no valid excuse for being a bully!

2. Talk to Someone You Trust

Don’t hold all these emotions inside. You might think you’re better off just putting your head down and trying to ignore the hurt, buuut you can only avoid it for so long before you either combust or crumble. Just so ya know, you deserve to feel content and safe in the space you’re in, alwaysss. So telling someone you trust that you’re dealing with workplace bullying, bullying in school, or bullying anywhere else is super important for your mental wellbeing. We know it’s hard, but confiding in someone you know will support you is a good idea. They’ll be there for you every step of the way and make you feel wayyy less alone!

3. Document Everything

Every snide remark in the lunchroom. Every rumour that gets back to you. Every aggressive DM. Every instance of unwanted physical touch or violence. Make sure to keep a detailed record of each contact you have with your bully. Take photos of bruises, screenshot messages and write down their nasty comments. It’s also a good idea to let that trustworthy person in your life know about these instances so they can be a witness for you. It’s important to document the bullying in case it doesn’t stop, or it escalates, and you need to take it to someone with more power. Most institutions like your school, workplace or extracurricular programs will have processes to deal with bullies, so it helps to have the proof to back your claims!

4. Draw a Line

If you feel safe to do so, draw a line with your bully by confronting them about how they’ve been treating you. Bullies don’t always expect to be stood up to, so sometimes it’s helpful to be firm and address the situation head-on. Is it super terrifying, not to mention uncomfy? Absolutely. But pointing out how shitty and unacceptable they’ve been treating you (get specific) shows them you’ve had enough. BTW, you get to decide how you wanna go about this… Alone? Face to face? In-person, but with a friend at your side? In a DM or email, which can also be shown as proof later if there’s pushback? Totally up to you. Having a set plan in place, and knowing what you wanna say and where you wanna say it can help ease up those nerves before you start this big convo!

5. Find Help

If you’ve done all you can and nothing has changed, or you just don’t feel comfortable or safe to confront your bully on your own, then it’s time to call in reinforcements. And by reinforcements, we mean someone who has the power to put a stop to this bullying through some a-c-t-i-o-n! Schools have policies. Workplaces have HR. No matter where you are, those systems are in place and meant to protect you. So, don’t feel ashamed to ask for help! You do NOT have to suffer in silence or “take the high road.” Fuuuck that.

We hope these tips helped you learn how to deal with bullies. We totally understand that every situation is different, and so are the threats that bullies make to their victims. And, some cases are way more extreme than others! If you’re being harassed, stalked, or threatened you have every right to file a police report or take legal action. In these serious situations, law enforcement and the legal system will best help you navigate how to deal with bullies that are dangerous. Take care of yourself, friend. Your wellbeing should be your #1 priority!

When to Break Up with Them: 15 Signs It’s Time

You’ve been with your partner for a few months, or maybe even years, and things were great for a while! But nooowwww, maybe things are a little stagnant, you’re fighting more than ever, or you’re starting to notice some irreconcilable differences. You’ve been wondering for a while if this is just a bump in the road that you can overcome, or if it might be a dead-end — you just have NO idea where to even begin figuring that out. How do people know when to break up? That’s why we’re here to help!

How To Know When To Break Up

Knowing when to break up with someone is a tricky feat, and sometimes you find yourself making a pro-and-con list just to get a grasp on what you’re feeling! You probably have a huge pit in your stomach just THINKING about ending things with your partner and aren’t sure if that’s actually what you want or if it was just a fleeting thought. Well, here are 15 signs to consider if it really might be time to say goodbye!

1. You’re Making All The Sacrifices

Mutual sacrifices are an important part of a relationship because they ensure that the relationship is sustainable for the long run and there is an equal investment for both parties! But if you find yourself constantly watching the movies THEY like, eating the food THEY want, hanging out with THEIR friends and seeing THEIR family over having your own needs met, then they are not giving your needs and wants enough consideration.

2. Your Values Aren’t Aligned

Whether it’s about religion, politics, marriage, wanting to have kids or ANYTHING in between, differing values can cause a big rift between partners! Once you encounter a difference in core values, it can be hard to just forget about it because it’s just such a big elephant in the room. If you aren’t able to meet each other in the middle, then those misaligned values will just keep becoming more and more prominent, and will likely sabotage the success of the relationship.

3. There’s No Trust

Trust is fundamental in a relationship! And if you aren’t able to go out for drinks with friends without your partner texting or calling to know where you are, trust probably isn’t very present. Because that shouldn’t cause problems in a strong, trusting relationship! If you don’t have trust you might be already thinking of when to break up. Feeling secure and confident in the bond you have is key.

4. You’re Always Fighting

It’s normal to fight in a relationship, but usually in small amounts! If you notice you end up having more bad moments than good, then you may be fighting too much. It crosses the line of typical partner bickering and moves towards toxic patterns that are really hard to break! Bottom line: it’s normal to argue over little things, like a misread text, but it shouldn’t be the norm. And especially be on the lookout for if your fights are no longer about specific issues, but devolve into berating the person themself.

5. There’s A Lack Of Communication

Have they been suuuper distant or just not as responsive lately? Are they just not returning the effort in texts, phone calls and even face-to-face conversations? Then something may be off. Communication should be a two-way street! And if you feel like you’re constantly talking to a brick wall, then it may be time to think about when to break up.

6. Your Needs Aren’t Being Met

When we say ‘needs’ in a relationship context, we mean you should be getting your physical and emotional needs met! Things like physical touch, but also companionship, affection, security and appreciation, are very important in a relationship. When they aren’t present, it can feel like you’re alone even with your partner sitting right beside you! This can lead to you minimizing your own needs and becoming resentful towards your partner if left unchecked.

7. There’s No More Effort

You know at the beginning of the relationship when you went on allll the dates? Your partner always dressed up and even brought you little gifts to brighten your day. But over time, that effort has really deteriorated. You don’t remember the last time you did something special together or even just received a sweet text. And when that effort doesn’t come back, the relationship might not feel as fulfilling. Remember, it’s normal to settle into a routine as the relationship matures, but that doesn’t mean either partner should stop trying altogether.

8. You’re Not Happy Anymore

This is a big one! Happiness naturally comes and goes in waves, but if it has been a very long time since you last experienced happiness in your relationship, it may be a sign of a deeper issue. If you don’t enjoy spending time with your partner, you might end up resenting them after a while! You should BOTH enjoy being together, because unhappiness results in less affection and just feeling stuck in that part of your life.

9. You Feel Trapped

Alright, going off that last one, it’s generally not a good sign to feel stuck or trapped in a relationship. If you feel like you can’t move forward together, or like you have no way out of the relationship, it’s probably a good indicator that you are unhappy and that your partner may no longer be the same person you initially started dating (and maybe neither are you!). The key is to ascertain if the people you have grown into can still successfully grow together into the future.

10. You’re Irritated By Minor Things They Do

You start to fixate on allll the things that bug you about your partner. Maybe it’s that they chew with their mouth open, they keep forgetting to put the toilet seat down, or they always leave their dirty cups in the sink, and it just annoys you more than it EVER has before! This is a sign that you’re looking for negative aspects in your partner, rather than focusing on the good. Sometimes acknowledging this can be an opportunity to grow and learn to let the little things go, but sometimes it can be a deeper issue or a sign of general incompatibility.

11. You’re Constantly Reflecting On The Honeymoon Phase

Ah, yes. The honeymoon phase. Every relationship’s golden standard! If you’re constantly reminiscing about that glowy feeling you experienced in the first few months together, it might be ‘cause the present isn’t matching up. Of course, you’re going to settle into a routine after the honeymoon phase is over — but it should just feel more comfortable, not less loving!

12. There’s Physical, Verbal, Or Emotional Abuse

Abuse of any kind is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship…but, through rose-coloured glasses, those red flags tend to look just like flags. Once you’re able to recognize that cycle of abuse (the love-bombing followed by constant belittling and gaslighting), you’ll notice how absolutely unhealthy it is to always be on edge like that! A partner should lift you up, not tear you down.

13. You Don’t Like Or Recognize Yourself

In an unhappy or abusive relationship, you might feel like you’ve lost yourself. You give up your values, stop doing things you enjoy and just become a hollow shell of the person you used to be! Family members and friends no longer recognize you and, honestly, neither do you. If you’re experiencing this, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. Ultimately, you’ve got to put yourself first and say goodbye to things that no longer positively serve you — even though that’s easier said than done!

14. You’re Always Thinking About Breaking Up

Like we said at the beginning of this article, if you’re making pro-and-con lists about your relationship, you’re probably already considering breaking up with your partner. And if that’s a constant thought process, then this is clearly an issue that’s top of mind! Your gut is probably screaming at you to listen to it and, if that’s the case, then you may have already subconsciously decided when to break up.

15. You Can’t See A Future With Them

Lastly, and probably most importantly, can you envision a future with this person? If you keep coming up with ifs, ands, or buts then the answer is “probably not.” And that’s okay! You’re probably going to have a few trial-and-error attempts before you do find that special someone (or someones). Sometimes, differing values and beliefs get in the way — and it’s just time to say goodbye.

It can be VERY tough navigating how to let go of someone, especially if you’re breaking up with someone you love. But sometimes, you’re just holding on to someone who is wrong for you! You deserve to be happy, have your needs met and not lose yourself in a relationship. So, hopefully next time you ask yourself “When is it time to break up?” you can think back to this article and remember all 15 reasons why now might be the time.

8 Effects of Cyberbullying on a Child’s Mental Health

As a parent, your #1 concern is your kid’s safety. You probably double-check they’re wearing a seatbelt in the vehicle, set curfews and make sure their phone is on them at ALL TIMES when they’re away from home. ‘Cause you love that lil’ rugrat, even when they push your buttons.

Lately, though, you’ve noticed your child isn’t acting like their usual self. They’re kinda moody and snap at you when you ask a simple question, or they go hide away in their room for hours and hours on end. And they don’t seem to hang around their friends much anymore. Actually, when you bring their friends up, your kid suddenly gets reallyyy quiet. Uhh…what’s that all about?

You think to yourself: Maybe it’s just those damn hormones. But they’ve also been suuuper weird about their phone recently. You try not to be nosey and you don’t wanna cross any boundaries by snooping through their messages…but you’re getting pretty worried. And worried parents need some answers! You’ve heard of cyberbullying and how nasty it can be. Maybe THAT’S the reason they’ve been having such a rough time? So, let’s go over what it is, the different types and the effects of cyberbullying on a child’s mental health.

What Is Cyberbullying?

If this is all new to you, you might be wondering: what IS cyberbullying, really? Like, how is cyberbullying real?! Can’t kids just, you know…log off if it makes them unhappy? Yaaa, it’s not that simple. Research shows that 95% of teens in the U.S. are online and have access to the internet from their smartphones. A huge part of their social connection and self-expression is experienced through being online — it’s just the world we’re livin’ in!

Right, back to the original question. What is cyberbullying? It’s any bullying (mocking, intimidating, excluding, spreading rumours) that happens online or through texting. And it’s wayyy more common than you might think! Here are some quick facts about cyberbullying (and some of the effects of cyberbullying) that you should know:

About 37% of kids between 12-17 have been bullied online.
30% of those kids have been cyberbullied more than once.
23% of students report that they have said something mean to someone else online.
About 50% of LGBTQ+ students face online harassment.
Young people who experience cyberbullying have a higher risk of self-harm or suicide.
Only 1 in 10 teen cyberbullying victims will tell a parent or adult figure about it.

That’s a lot of kids in a lot of pain. It’s very serious and can be very scary for the person being bullied, and their parent(s).

Types of Cyberbullying

Bullying is not a new concept, but it can look so different nowadays. You can’t keep up with all the apps your kid is using, either. It just seems like…a LOT. There are a few different types of cyberbullying you should be aware of that can happen online with your kids.

Exclusion: Intentionally excluding or singling someone out from chats or games.

Harassment: Sending threatening or offensive messages, sometimes multiple at once.

Outing/Doxing: Publicly sharing information about someone without their permission.

Trickery: Tricking someone into sharing personal information about themselves to use against them.

Impersonation: Creating a fake profile in someone’s name or hacking their account to pretend to be them.

Cyberstalking: Stalking or harassing someone to the point where they fear their safety offline.

Flaming: Verbally attacking someone online by posting or sending offensive messages.

Denigration: Spreading rumours or lies about someone online to harm their reputation.

The Effects of Cyberbullying

No surprise here, but the effects of cyberbullying can be ROUGH on youth. If this is something your kiddo is going through then you might start to notice these mental and physical effects.

1. Social Withdrawal

It’s super common for kids to withdraw and isolate themselves when they’re being cyberbullied. Instead of turning to their support systems, like their best friends (who could actually be behind the bullying), they do the total opposite. They shut down. They hide away in their rooms (even more than usual). It’s like all they wanna do is be left alone!

2. Low Self-Esteem

Kids are so, SO vulnerable. They’re growing up and still figuring out who they are and where they belong. Fitting in with their peers is pretty much the main thing lingering in the back of their precious little minds alllll of the time. So cyberbullying can really damage their self-esteem and self-worth. They won’t feel accepted and they’ll begin to doubt themselves because of it.

3. Problems with Focus

Another one of the effects of cyberbullying? Lack of focus. Obviously, this can cause your kid’s grades to start slipping. If they’ve started to isolate themselves or are struggling big time at school then they might even start skipping class to avoid the problem (or avoid their bullies). When kids are being bullied online, it still follows them everywhere.

4. Losing Interest in Things That Make Them Happy

All those activities your kid LOVES to do? Yaaa, when they’re being cyberbullied, that goes out the window. For them, it could feel like all of those things don’t bring them joy anymore, not even as a distraction. Cyberbullying sucks the fun right outta their lives, so take note if they stop playing guitar, taking photos, or playing their favourite video game. It could mean something’s up!

5. Difficulty Sleeping

If your kid is being a huge grump lately or seems like they’re alwaysss complaining about how tired they are, it could be because they’re not getting enough sleep. When cyberbullying is going on, they might toss and turn all night long, sleep way later than normal, or even have nasty nightmares. Cyberbullying puts them under a lot of stress, so sleep will probably be impacted!

6. Gastrointestinal Issues or Disordered Eating

Ugh, this one is the WORST. There are stomach cramps. The anxiety poops. Nausea because they’re so anxious and upset. Stomach troubles are a common issue when you’re dealing with cyberbullying because their mind is all out of sorts and the body responds to that.

It’s also a possibility that someone being cyberbullied could experience disordered eating. Skipping meals or binge eating might make your kid feel like they’re gaining some sense of control, especially if they feel like they have zero control over their situation. So, watch for changes in their eating habits!

7. Depression

If your kid has been dealing with cyberbullying and all of the not-so-nice feelings that come along with it, it could develop into depression. They could feel hopeless and powerless about the situation and have a hard time seeing a way out of it. And because it’s often so hard for kids to open up to their parents or a trusted adult about these kinds of problems, they feel totally alone. They become stuck. It’s not hard to see why that would bring them down and make them feel incredibly sad.

8. Anxiety

Anddd, last but certainly not least, anxiety. Victims of cyberbullying experience super high levels of anxiety…and can you blame them?! Nope, we think not. Not only will they probably be dealing with a ton of anxious thoughts, but they could even start to experience more physical signs of anxiety, like a racing heart rate, sweating, trembling and even panic attacks. It can be sooo overwhelming for them to deal with on their own!

Many of these signs are significant mental health red flags, as well as suicide warning signs, so it’s important to seek the help of a mental health professional. If you notice any (or all) of these signs in your kiddo, don’t just brush it off as them “just being a kid.” There could be a lot more going on than you might even realize! Even if they don’t come to you first about it, they might just need someone to simply ask them what’s going on.

Be there for them as best as you can and let them know you’re there to support them, no matter what. And if it turns out they ARE being cyberbullied, let them know that you’re there by their side as you figure out what your next steps will be!