Month: November 2020

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Hands up if you’ve heard these phrases before and may not have recognized them as signs of gaslighting.

Stop being so sensitive.

I never said that.

That never happened.

Why can’t you just take a joke?

No one is ever going to love you how I do.

Why can’t you let go of the past?

You’re exaggerating.

Why are you always so angry?

I’m sorry you choose to feel this way.

You have no right to feel like this.  

You actually don’t feel this way.

It’s not that bad.

Other people have it so much harder than you, stop being a victim!

You might have even used these yourself before without realizing the kind of impact they were having. That’s okay. You’re here now and you’re ready to learn. And because the term gaslighting gets thrown around quite casually, it’s important that we unpack it. 

Let’s start at the beginning. 

What Does Gaslighting Mean?

Many of us have heard the term gaslighting. It’s been used in conversation, on TV, and it’s become well known over the last few years. The term originates from a play in the 1930s called Gas Light. In this play, a man tries to drive his wife to madness by turning down the gas lamps in their home and denies that the lights are changing at all. Eventually, she does go mad because her husband plays with and distorts her mind. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes survivors feel like their memories and experiences were made up and that their feelings aren’t real. It makes them question every memory that they have about certain events and traumas. Abusers use this as a way to gain power over another person and excuse their own behaviour because the abuse they caused “didn’t happen.”

At the very core of gaslighting are power and control. Abusers exploit their victim’s attachment to them and use that to invalidate their memories and feelings, all while keeping them in the relationship.

It’s most common in romantic partnerships, but it can appear in any relationship dynamic. The people who gaslight sometimes lack the self-awareness to even realize that they’re being shitty and abusive. They might have learned this behaviour from a past relationship or even because they grew up around it. Either way, it’s no excuse to act like garbage.

A survivors’ perception of reality is often completely distorted. They are continually told that they’re wrong or that what they experienced didn’t even happen at all! They feel like they’re “going crazy” because they’re constantly denied reality. What they know to be real is erased by the gaslighter and they start accepting this new reality formed by their abuser.

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Wow, That Sounds Brutal

It is. There are many reasons why some people don’t just say “Eff you!” and walk away from their gaslighter. If they’ve grown up in an environment being gaslit, they’re conditioned to think that this kind of behaviour is normal. When they then enter into an adult relationship, they don’t know that this isn’t what a healthy relationship looks like.

 Another reason is because most of us are nice people! We don’t assume that a person is gaslighting us because we rationalize their actions with things like, “Oh they probably didn’t mean it like that.”  

 Men most commonly are the gaslighters and women are the ones being gaslighted. That’s not to say that women can’t be a gaslighter — the numbers just happen to skew that way more. This is likely because society has taught women to doubt themselves, feel as though they aren’t good enough as they are, and like they have to constantly apologize for their actions – especially to their male counterparts.

Remember, gaslighting is not the same as being sensitive or having a genuine disagreement. It’s different because only one of you is considering the other’s feelings and perspective while the other is negating any feelings and saying that a reaction is “crazy” or irrational.

 Like we said, gaslighting can happen in almost any kind of relationship and it can be extreme or mild. Either way, it’s important to remember that gaslighting is a form of abuse.

 So, let’s break down the different ways that it can show up so that you can recognize the signs of gaslighting if it’s happening to you.

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Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships

People in romantic relationships who are victims of gaslighting experience many of the feelings that we just covered in the introduction. They’re made to think that what they know to be true is not. They’re told that they are just overreacting, their emotions and feelings are minimized and negated, and that they’re just being too sensitive.

Unfortunately, gaslighting in a relationship can manipulate a person into questioning their own sanity. Well, of course, they feel this way because their world is constantly being turned on its head!

Some people remain in romantic relationships with the person gaslighting them because they might have fear of abandonment. Even though they’re being hurt day in and day out, they don’t want to lose the person they love.

 This is a totally valid fear! Leaving someone or being left by someone is never easy, especially if your significant other has made you feel dependent on them and has diminished your sense of self-worth.

Gaslighting can often occur in conjunction with other kinds of abuse and is then used to make the victim feel like what they are going through isn’t “that bad.” But realistically, it’s all bad.

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Gaslighting in Friendships

This can look a little different than gaslighting in romantic relationships. Often, friends who are gaslighters love to gossip. They do this by taking any kind of information they can and use it against people.

They gossip, but only so that they can gain information that benefits them. Friends who gaslight also thrive on creating drama. Let’s be honest, we all love a little drama now and again, but they enjoy it a lot more than the average person.

If you notice that a friend is gossiping (like… A LOT), limit how much info you tell this friend because they will probably use it against you. If you’re hearing about other people’s lives behind their backs, this toxic friend is probably talking to other people about you behind your back too. They do this because, like we said, they love creating drama. Their goal is to see a fight and create conflict, just because they can.

Sometimes, if this friend doesn’t have any information to start this drama, so they might make something up! So, if you think your friend is a gaslighter and tells you information about a friend that will potentially start a fight — assume that what they tell you is false. They probably don’t really have anything to gossip about, so they’ll make shit up just to cause a stir. And if you don’t know how to deal with a toxic friend because you haven’t had one in your life up until now, it’s time to learn.

Watch out if you notice that this toxic friend is befriending your partner. They’ll likely gossip with them about you and say that you think you’re having relationship issues. They’ll talk to your partner and create unnecessary tension between the two of you and start the drama that they love so much.

Pay Attention to the Small Things

Gaslighting among friends can also happen with really small things. For example, a dish duty argument among roommates can turn into full-on gaslighting. If your flatmate has made a big mess in the kitchen as you ask them to clean it up, they might say something like, “I didn’t make that mess,” or “That wasn’t me.” This puts the responsibility on you for not only cleaning up the mess, but for the mess itself.

Being left out of plans is another example. A gaslighting friend might invite everyone but you to a gathering they’re having. Not only do they leave you out, but this person also invites everyone to the gathering while you are standing right there. You are blatantly and intentionally left out of this event, and when you confront your friend about it, they say, “You’re just being too sensitive.”

 In case you needed to hear it today, you aren’t being too sensitive and your friend was rude, unkind, and mean for doing anything like this to you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be respected and invited to things!

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Gaslighting in Parenthood

This is a really tough situation to be in and grow up with. A narcissistic parent uses this to create a certain kind of dynamic within their home and maintain power and control over their household. They are exceptionally conditional with their love and create a dynamic in their home that only benefits them.

If you grew up with gaslighting parents, you’ve probably experienced being either the golden child or the scapegoat child. The golden child can’t do much wrong in the eyes of the gaslighting parent. They aren’t punished much or at all, they’re always praised and lauded, and are very obviously the favourite.

 If you are the scapegoat child, you’ve probably been gaslit a lot by your parents. The scapegoat child is never considered to be good enough, their feelings are invalidated, and they’re mentally beaten down so much that they lose their sense of self or worth.

Often, the scapegoat child will feel like they don’t have a purpose and feel extremely lost and unsure of what to do with their life. This is because the gaslighting parent has manipulated and invalidated this child so much that they don’t even believe themselves or their experiences anymore. This makes a lot of sense because if you don’t believe yourself, how can you believe IN yourself?

A gaslighting parent wants you to rely on their memories more than your own. The same goes for opinions. To them, their child’s opinion isn’t valid, but theirs is. These parents want their kids to trust and follow what they say blindly, and if the kids don’t, they get punished and berated for it.

It’s All About the Parents’ Needs

Gaslighting parents also feel like their needs are more important than anyone else’s. For example, if your parent is depressed, they’ll make everyone know about it and have them feel sympathetic for what they’re going through. But when you go to your parent for the same issues of depression, they tell you “You aren’t depressed. Stop being so sensitive and suck it up.”

 They have the unrealistic expectation that they can control how you feel, what you like and don’t like, and that they’re always right and you’re always wrong. When you approach them about their behaviour, they become defensive and make it seem like you’re actually the one with the problem.

In their eyes, they can do no wrong. Gaslighting by parents has serious consequences.

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Gaslighting in the Workplace

This is a tricky and very sensitive situation. It’s one thing to experience gaslighting in your home, but the workplace is a wholllleee new territory because your mental health AND career are on the line.

 A gaslighter at work will want you to stop succeeding at all costs. They’ll sabotage your efforts and take credit for your good work. They’ll even try to pass the blame onto you if they ever fuck up so that they don’t have to take the fall for it.

One example of gaslighting at work is if your boss or supervisor was ever to harass you physically or sexually. When you confront them about it, they might say something like, “Wow, can’t you take a joke?” or “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re so sensitive.” or “That never happened!”

 If this is happening or has happened to you, be sure to write everything down. And we mean EVERYTHING! Document emails, conversations, and write it down in a place that isn’t on work property (like a locked folder on your personal cell phone).

If you confront your gaslighter, do it in a gentle way to avoid setting them off and becoming defensive. If they do become defensive and deny their actions and gaslight you more, take your evidence to HR or their supervisor.

You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your career for anyone. Especially not a gaslighter!

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How to Deal with Gaslighting When It Happens

There is no easy solution that will immediately stop a gaslighter from trying to manipulate you. Your best bet is to combine your efforts on multiple fronts and reinforce boundaries wherever they are being broken. But that’s really hard to do, you’re right. Let’s break it down into smaller things you can do on a daily basis to deal with gaslighting.

1. Recognize That You’re Being Gaslit

Ok, first thing’s first. You have to realize that you’re being gaslit. If you’re reading this article, congrats! You’re already doing or have done the hardest part.

2. Write Everything Down

Keep a safe journal or a log of your conversations with your gaslighter so that you have an account of what’s really happened. That way, you won’t be made to feel like you’re imagining things or making things up and can determine the truth from the falsities your gaslighter is trying to create.

 You’ll sometimes feel like a detective looking through your own life while trying to fit the pieces of your memories back together, but having documentation of what’s happening can help you remember that what you know to be true is really true.

3. Feel All Your Feelings

This is a long and difficult process to work through. You’re going to have a lot of feelings, and all of them are totally valid!

 After having your world turned upside down and sideways for so long, it’s going to be hard to start believing in yourself again. So, go through all the motions. Cry if you need to! Do whatever you need to do to process this. We support you!

4. Focus on How You Feel Instead of Being Right or Wrong

It can be hard not to want to focus on being correct when you’ve been made to believe that what you think is wrong. But if your conversation makes you feel bad or second guess yourself, that is what’s most important!

Your gaslighter will likely still try to invalidate you during this process and keep trying their darndest to make you feel like what you experienced isn’t true or real.

They’re going to try to make you feel like down is up and that the sky is green, so focus on how you’re feeling during all of this because that’s the most important thing!

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5. Talk to Your Friends and Family

Talking to people who you love and trust can make you feel validated and help you remember that it’s not all just in your head. They can give you the kind of support that you need while you’re fighting for yourself and remind you that your experiences are real and that they’re valid.

6. Remain Defiant

Don’t give in. Stay strong! This allows you to trust your version of reality. You know what you know and no one can take that away from you, no matter how much they try to bully you.

7. Accept That You Will Never Get Accountability

Unfortunately, narcissists use gaslighting often to help them feel superior and to manipulate situations and people to benefit them. One key trait about narcissists is that they never think that they’ve done anything wrong.

They think that other people’s reactions to their actions aren’t their problem. Their logic runs along the same lines as “I intentionally stepped on your foot? Well, your foot shouldn’t have been where I wanted to step.” The blame will forever be put onto someone else other than them.

Unfortunately, this means that they won’t ever acknowledge that they did anything wrong. If you think that the person can respond to logic or reason, they won’t. You can try to get some kind of closure, but this is often a fool’s errand.

Being gaslit can be a really painful experience because you’re grappling with your own mind, reality, and a person who is telling you that you’re wrong. We hope that this article gave you some information about the signs of gaslighting and that it helps you be more confident in yourself and the truth. 

Here are some tips to minimize the risk of someone knowing that you’re researching domestic abuse-related topics (via Tech Safety):

• If you think your devices or internet search activities are being monitored, access this information from a device that isn’t being monitored. That should be a device that the person does not or has not had physical or remote access. This is the safest thing to do if you don’t want someone to know that you are visiting these websites.
• Sign out of other accounts, such as Google or Facebook, before visiting these sites.
• Use your internet browser settings to increase your privacy, such as turning off browsing history or using the browser in-private mode.
• If it is safe to do so, delete the websites URLs that you don’t want stored from the browser history.
• Use a Virtual Private Network (VPN) to increase the security of your internet browsing and activity. 

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Living with a chronic illness can be hard.

That’s the understatement of the century. Sorry, let’s try that again. Ahem… Having a chronic illness can REALLY suck! Holy shit, does it suck! Obviously, some days are better than others, but the bad days can be really, reeeaaally bad.

 People who live with chronic illness or disease often struggle with their mental health because of their physical symptoms. Talk about a double gut punch!

So, let’s talk about what it means to have a chronic illness and dive thru why it’s so so so so important to have mental health resources available to you (like how to choose a therapist) when you have chronic conditions.

But first…

What Are Chronic Illnesses?

If you aren’t part of the chronic illness community, you might not be totally sure what a chronic illness even is. That’s ok! Simply put, a chronic illness is an illness or disease that lasts more than 1 year and requires medical assistance in order to manage it. 

This includes diabetes, some cancers, multiple sclerosis, endometriosis, epilepsy, and mental conditions like depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, many chronic conditions are genetic and aren’t caused by anything a person has done or by the environment that they’re living in. 

Basically, it’s when a person is sick for a really long time and doesn’t have the promise of a cure to help them get better. It just fucking suuuucks.

Why Mental Health Is REALLY Important

The reality is that living with a chronic illness is extra hard on someone’s mental health. It’s draining, it’s exhausting, it’s infuriating, and you bet your ass it’s anxiety-inducing. And after all of that emotional toil, it’s even less encouraging to spend more time and energy seeking out mental health resources. But here’s why it’s important to do it!

1. The Chronic Illness Will Always Be There

People in the chronic illness community (also known as “Spoonies”) are twice as likely to develop depression and anxiety compared to physically healthy and able-bodied people. Some people with chronic conditions can even develop PTSD from their illness or medical trauma that they’ve endured.

 It can be emotionally painful to have to live through a disease that you know can’t be cured. We often need someone to listen to us lament and complain about our situations. It can feel really cathartic to talk about our experiences without any judgement or shame. But soooo many people try and offer advice from the goodness of their heart on how to cure chronic illness; however, it’s never as helpful as they think it is. Spoonies hear phrases like these ALL. THE. TIME:

 “Have you tried juicing?”

“Yoga cured my *insert medical problem here. *”

“Think positively and manifest your health.”

“I hope you get better soon!” 

 YES, we’ve tried all the remedies. We’ve tried every suggestion ever given to us. But the reality is that we won’t get better soon, or… ever. Comments like these can make us feel invalidated and remind us that we are sick. For like… ever. It’s hard accepting that there is no quick fix or magical concoction that will cure us. We need to grieve and mourn the loss of the life that we knew because it’s hard to accept that we’re going to be riding the struggle bus for the rest of our lives! That’s why it’s so important to have professional help and guidance.

2. The Physical Pain Might Never Go Away 

It can be physically taxing to always be in pain. Our bodies need rest and a lot of care when we are in pain. Pain, especially chronic pain related to chronic conditions, impacts a person’s mental health significantly! Chronic pain can cause you to lose sleep, miss events, miss seeing your friends, feel fatigued, and develop anxiety or depression. It’s hard on your body and your mind because you never know how you’re going to feel when you wake up.

Accepting the pain that your body creates can be difficult to come to terms with. That’s why it’s important to have a mental health professional for you to talk to. They might not be able to fix your pain, but they can certainly help you work through it.

3. Your Medical Treatment May Add Extra Stress

Keeping up with medical treatment can be physically and mentally draining because there is always so much to take into consideration. Did you take your medication today? Are your supplies prepped? How are you getting to and from physiotherapy if you’re in this much pain? It’s a lot to think about!

 Some people with chronic illnesses are taxed with what feels like a full-time job when it comes to taking care of themselves and receiving treatment. It doesn’t leave a lot of room to make sure that you’re looking after your mental health as well. Life can start to feel like a never-ending doctor’s appointment and that can be hard to process.

A person with chronic illness can have a lot of medical problems that they need to be constantly thinking about. You’re always having to prepare for the worst-case scenario and that can be scary and overwhelming.

Having a good mental foundation can help people with chronic illnesses cope with the constant care that their body requires. It’s hard to do it all on our own!

4. Job Security Is Always a Concern

Spoonies often face financial troubles. This is because of our inability to find work that is willing to accommodate our bodies and our physical limitations. Sometimes, a person can be so unwell that they aren’t able to work at all. This situation is so stressful! Especially if someone is wondering how they’re going to be able to pay for their treatment AND keep a roof over their head. What is this called? Repeat after me. This is called ableism. 

5. FOMO Is So Real

FOMO is real. Oh, man is it real! Spoonies wake up with a finite amount of energy that they’re able to expend in a day. We may have RSVP’d to an event or a dinner with a friend but woke up the day of only to realize that even taking a shower will put us on bed rest for a few days.

You know how everyone was complaining about being stuck inside at the beginning of quarantine? Well, us Spoonies were already experts on self-isolation! We have to make the hard decisions between our health and our social life. We often feel like we’re missing out on the world around us.

Mental health and wellness are SO. IM. PORT. ANT. for spoonies and people with chronic illnesses. It can help someone’s perspective shift in a really healthy direction or guide them through some of the most painful (literally and metaphorically) times in their life. Having a chronic illness is never easy, but using mental health resources to help us work through some really tough shit can change how we navigate our toughest times.

5 Ways to Care for Your Mental Health

To reiterate: people with chronic illnesses have a higher likelihood of developing depression than their not-chronically ill counterparts. And if you have a chronic illness and you’re reading this article, we are soooo sorry friend. Our writer that’s writing up this article has about 7 chronic conditions herself so she understands your battle! 

We know that not everyone’s experience with their diagnosis is the same. Maybe you’re thrilled that you know what’s going on in your body, or you might be devastated. Either way, we want to make sure that you are as mentally healthy as you can be. Here are some tips on how to care for your mental health when you have a chronic illness: 

1. Take Time to Process Your Diagnosis

This shit is hard. You might be mourning the loss of the body and the life that you once knew. That’s totally ok and totally normal! You need to grieve in a way that lets you feel all the emotions you need to feel about it. CRY IT OUT! We’ll do it with you! Ready? *tears* 

2. Think About Your Self Care

We know that it can be hard to practice self care when you have a chronic illness. You might have terrible fatigue and pain and might not be able to move. Too many spoonies are lost on basic tasks some days so the thought of doing MORE for some self care is daunting. 

We’re gonna ask you to think about your definition of self care and find what it means for YOU. This could just be you listening to your body and resting. This could mean taking your meds or eating a bit of food to keep you going. It’s all about accomplishing the small things and celebrating those wins! 

3. Don’t Overdo It on Your Good Days 

When you feel good, you want to take advantage of your good days! Our writer Olivia finds any moment that she feels “fine” and does everything that she can’t do on her bad days. This is a lesson that she even needs to learn – don’t overdo it! Soooo many of us Spoonies use up too many spoons one day and then end up in a deficit the next. Try and pace yourself, even on your good days! 

4. Join a Community

Sometimes, you just want to complain without the people in your life telling you to try celery juice as a cure for your illness. Spoonies aren’t always looking for answers or cures, we might just want to feel validated in our experience. This is where joining a group of fellow sick people comes in handy! There are fantastic ways to connect with other spoonies! Lookup a Facebook group for people with your condition and see if you vibe with it. There is also a website/community called The Mighty where you can connect with others on specific message boards that focus on the topics you wanna talk about. 

5. Talk to a Mental Health Professional

There can be a lot of shit to unpack when you have a chronic illness. Sometimes, talking to your friends and family can only get you so far. Talking to a mental health professional can help you sort out your emotions and process what’s going on within your body. It’s hard! There are going to be good days and bad days when it comes to both your mental and physical health. You might need a hand sorting everything out and that’s ok! So many of us do!

Chronic illnesses aren’t simple. There isn’t a roadmap that helps us navigate our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It’s a confusing ball of bullshit that so many of us have to work through on a daily basis. 

If you’re a Spoonie and trying to figure out how to go about your life, you aren’t alone. If you’re someone supporting a Spoonie and you’re reading this article, support them and love them as much as you can in whatever way they need you to. Be patient with them because they’re trying their best to just exist. 

To all our Spoonies, we believe in you! You’re doing great, sweetie!

You’ve probably heard of narcissism before. A lot of the time, it’s used to describe someone who is full of themselves and cares way too much about their appearance. And those ideas aren’t totally off-base, actually! But as you’re about to see, signs of narcissism will go further than that. The word ‘narcissism’ actually comes from the Greek myth about Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out!

This condition goes a lot deeper than just being obsessed with looks, though. You might have dealt with a coworker, partner, close friend, or family member who shows signs of narcissism without even realizing it! If you do know someone in your life who has some narcissistic traits, chances are your relationship with them is… complicated. But don’t worry, we’ll get into it!

First of all, how do you know what narcissism looks like? Let’s get into what narcissism really is, how to spot it, and ways to deal with a narcissist in your life.

What Does ‘Narcissism’ Mean?

Sooo what is narcissism and what does it look like? No, it’s not just a term to describe someone who thinks they’re the shit… Well, there’s some truth there. Basically, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental condition that shows an inflated sense of importance, lack of empathy for others and a need for excessive attention and admiration. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), people with NPD show five or more of these traits right here:

• Lacks empathy
• Needs for excessive attention/admiration
• Acts entitled to special treatment
• Arrogant behaviour/attitude
• Inflated sense of self-importance
• Exploits others for their own gain
• Jealous or believes others should be jealous of them
• Fantasizes about unlimited success, power, beauty or ideal love
• Believe they’re special and can only be understood by others equally as special

…but wait, there’s more!

Research also distinguishes two types of narcissists, overt and covert:

• Overt narcissism: arrogant, aggressive, lacks empathy, exploits others.
• Covert narcissism: hypersensitive, defensive, low self-esteem, seeks approval and withdraws socially if it’s not given.

Okay, that was a lot. Now you might be wondering, what exactly causes NPD? Experts aren’t totally sure, but these factors can play a role (along with genetics, biology, you get the picture):

• Abuse
• Trauma
• Excessive praise or pampering
• Unreliable or negligent parenting
• Extremely high expectations

Treatment for people with NPD can be really tough since narcissists are usually defensive and don’t like to hear criticism (same tbh). This makes it unlikely for them to seek treatment in the first place. It might take some convincing from friends and family before a narcissist decides to get help. If they decide to accept treatment, psychotherapy can be a great option to help adjust their behaviors and improve how they behave in personal relationships.

Righttt, so back to relationships. Because of the behaviors above, people with narcissistic personality disorder usually have troubled relationships with others. Let’s look into the different types of relationships with narcissists and how they affect the people in their lives.

Narcissism in Romantic Relationships

“I never trust a narcissist, but they love me.” – Taylor Swift

Being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist is a recipe for heartbreak. Actually, it’s next to impossible for narcissists to really fall in love and have lasting, healthy relationships. Ouch. But since narcissists lack empathy and are super self-absorbed, they just don’t make ideal partners. What other reasons make them a match made in hell? Ohh, let us count the ways…

At the start, falling for someone with NPD can feel super exciting. It happens so fast, it gives you whiplash. They’ll tell you all of the reasons you’re meant to be. Their attention and displays of affection will make you swooooon. They’ll shower you with compliments. Gifts. Dates. Maybe leave you love notes! You’ll feel like the star of a romance movie.

But news flash: it’s not. The overwhelming gestures are actually a manipulation tactic, and they won’t ever last. It’s called love bombing and it’s how a narcissist gains your trust and controls you. They’ll try to do it fast before you notice any relationship red flags. ‘Cause by the time you do, you’ve already fallen deep, making it 1000x harder to end it.

Another way a narcissist will control you is by making you isolate yourself from friends and family. They’ll guilt trip you for spending time with anyone else instead of giving them alllll of your attention. Maybe they’ll even pit you against other people: “Sarah said she hates how you treat me.” Sarah probably didn’t say that. It’s just another way to mess with your head.

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person means you’re always wrong, and they’re always right. They won’t take responsibility for their actions or admit to any mistakes. And if you stand up to them or don’t play by their rules, look out! They won’t back down easily. There’s a blowup, or you get the silent treatment. Either way it’s gonna end up as an Error: No Healthy Communication Found.

Since narcissists are obsessed with being perfect, they will likely project that on you too. They might make degrading comments about your looks or criticize your smarts. Narcissists are also more likely to cheat, but they will gaslight you into believing it’s your fault: “I cheated because you aren’t fun anymore.” FYI, it is not your fault if someone cheats. But again, a narcissist loves to place the blame on their partners.

Narcissism in Parents

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have a huge impact on your wellbeing and how you cope with challenges in your life. They will compete with their children, marginalize them, and place over the top expectations on them. Basically, kids of a narcissistic parent will always try to measure up but can never live up to their parents standards. Cue low self-esteem and anxiety.

Since narcissists love being admired and the centre of attention, you best believe they want their kids to outshine the rest, too. Stage parents are a prime example of narcissism in parents. Any parent who lives through their child’s success for their own satisfaction will probably not give a shit if their kid expresses how unhappy they are. All the parent cares about is using their child to make themselves look good.

On the flip side, narcissistic parents can act super jealous or feel threatened by their children’s success. Kind of a catch-22, huh? If their child gets more attention or praise than them, the narcissistic parent will go out of their way to criticize or invalidate their child. Like a playground bully, putting their child down makes them feel better about themselves. So messed up, right?

Anddd of course, manipulation. See a pattern here? Yep, manipulation by a narcissistic parent will look like guilt tripping you for not meeting their expectations, comparing you to your siblings or other kids, shaming you into thinking you’re not good enough, and blaming you for things that aren’t your fault. Oh yeah, and don’t forget putting crazy amounts of pressure on you to be perfect! The list goes on and on.

Another sad thing about narcissism in parents is that they use their love towards their kids as a reward. Wait, come again? You read that right. If you upset your narcissistic parent, they withhold their love and attention, causing you to freak out and try to please them so that you get on their good side again. Yikes.

Narcissism at Work

Having a narcissistic co-worker or boss can make coming into work a total nightmare. Just because it’s a professional environment, doesn’t mean their behavior will be any better. Narcissists are competitive and want to be the best, so you can imagine how that looks in the workplace. Let’s spell it out: U-G-L-Y.

A narcissistic boss or co-worker will be super competitive. When they want something, they will sure as hell go after it and don’t care about your feelings. They just want to win. Maybe they’ll give you back-handed compliments to mess with your head. Or they’ll try to exploit your weaknesses once they figure them out. Anything to get ahead and leave you in the dust. 

They might spread rumours about you at work to make you look bad. Maybe they put you down in front of your peers in the lunchroom. If a mistake is made, guess whose fault it is? Yours. If they’re pretty ruthless, they can try to ruin your hard work. Worst case scenario, they try to get you demoted or fired.

Dealing with a boss or co-worker who’s a narcissist might give you tons of anxiety and extra stress around your work. It could feel like you’re questioning your abilities and wondering if you’re not cut out for your job anymore. But this is exactly how a narcissist in the workplace wants you to feel. They’re trying to weed out any threats, and you’re a target!

You’re probably thinking: whoa, this is all a tad extreme. Yep, it sure is! But this is what you’re potentially up against when you’re working with a narcissist.

How to Deal with Narcissism When You Come Across It

Dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder is… a lot. How do you handle it if it’s a problem in your life?

1. Recognize the Red Flags

Learning more about narcissistic personality disorder will give you a better idea of what you’re up against. You’ll start to notice the patterns and it’ll help you predict their behaviours and real intentions. They’ll try to charm you and win you over in the beginning, but keep in mind: it’s a facade. It’s harder to manipulate you when you take off the rose-colored glasses!

2. Stand Your Ground

Yeppp, there will be pushback. And don’t expect an apology anytime soon! But when a narcissist is playing games with you or putting you down, they want to make you feel small. Speak up for yourself and draw a line with their behavior.

3. Set Boundaries

Piggy-backing off the last point: you gotta set boundaries with everyone, especially narcissists. Since they are so self-absorbed, they’ll walk all over you if you don’t set clear boundaries about your feelings, time and space. Make sure you follow through when you set those boundaries. If you threaten to stop talking to them because they’re not respecting you, do it. Actually stop talking to them or they won’t take you seriously. And if you need to learn how to set boundaries with friends, we’ve got you covered.

4. Find Your Support Group

Keep those strong and healthy relationships close. You’re gonna need them to have your back when you’re up against a narcissist. It can really take a toll on your wellbeing! They’ll be there for you when you need to vent and talk through an issue with this person. Don’t underestimate the power of a great support group, or a therapist. You’re not alone.

5. Remember This Person Needs Help Too

Getting help for the narcissist in your life is NOT your responsibility. At all. But keeping in mind that someone with narcissistic personality disorder needs professional help will remind you to not take their behavior personally. This doesn’t excuse their actions or how they make you feel, though. You can suggest that they get professional help, but they might not want to. Either way, it is not up to you to fix this person. That is 100 percent their choice.

No matter what, dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is gonna be a challenge. But by knowing the signs and how to handle their behavior, you can avoid a lot of heartache and pain. And remember: you are not responsible for someone else. You gotta take care of yourself.