Author: DiveThru Team

DiveThru is a mental wellbeing app that helps you take charge of your mental wellbeing. Harnessing the power of guided journaling exercises, we help you take charge of your mental wellbeing.

7 Helpful Ways to Take a Social Media Break

It’s 3 A.M. You can count the hours until your alarm on one hand. Your eyes hurt. Your phone is almost dead. You know you should stop scrolling, you know you should go to sleep, but five more minutes couldn’t hurt, right? 

Does this sound familiar? If so, it might be time for a social media break. And no, we don’t want you to delete all your apps and go off the grid. Sometimes, a break is all you need to reset your habits!

Social media has a big effect on our mental health, but it’s not realistic to straight-up delete everything. Social media might be linked to your work. It might be the only way you get updates on your friends and family who live far away, or who you haven’t seen in a while thanks to the pandemic. Whatever reason you have for keeping your social media, we feel you, and we wanna help you take a break from social media without deleting it.

Enough with the preamble! Here are seven helpful ways to take a break from social media.

1. Set App Timers (and Stick with Them)

Okay, raise your hand if you’ve ever had an app timer go off, telling you that you’ve spent an hour on an app, and adjusted the time so you can keep going.

Yeeeahh, same here. That’s totally understandable! Remember, these apps are literally designed to be addictive. So if you find yourself several hours deep in a TikTok scroll, that’s done on purpose by the company. Your eyes = their money. 

Habits are formed when a behaviour gets repeated enough that it becomes unconscious. Great when it comes to brushing your teeth or getting into a flow at work. Not great when you reach for your phone every time you’re bored. The key is to interrupt that behaviour in order to interrupt your brain’s automatic urges.

Next time your app timer goes off, you gotta walk away from your phone. Literally. Put it down and do something else, even if it’s going to the kitchen for a drink, taking a lap around the block, or having a nice, long bath. Your brain might crave that dopamine kick it gets from the app at first, but over time, you’ll feel better walking away from it.

2. No Social Media Sundays

Maybe you can’t step away from social media because it’s necessary for you in some way. Totally fine! But in that case, it could be a good call to take a day or two off per week.

You can start small by designating one day where you don’t check any social media apps (turning off notifications will really help you out here!). If you have anyone who needs to get a hold of you through the apps, let ‘em know that you won’t be available every Sunday, or whatever day you choose. Again, it’s gonna feel weird at first, but soon enough, you’ll go the whole day without even noticing the absence.

Does a whole day feel like too much? We get that. Instead, set a time where you don’t check it. Soooo much scientific data tells you to not use your phone before bed, so make it a habit! Turn those apps off an hour (or more) before bed every night. Not a full day of disconnection, but it’s still helpful! 

3. Use Time Off to Unplug

Combining some time off work or school with a social media break could be a perfect reset for your brain!

Whether you are going to a new destination, or having a staycation, use an extended break to have no social media. The social media cleanse will feel great with the time off! Do anything and everything you wanna do, without constantly checking up on the world. By interrupting the habit, like we said above, you’ll probably realize how much less you could use it in your day-to-day.

4. Replace It with Another Habit

Sometimes, we’re just looking for something to keep us occupied and kill time. Instead of asking yourself, “Should I delete social media?”, instead ask, “Should I pick up a new hobby to spend less time on social media?” 

The answer is yes. Just in case that wasn’t clear. Yes. 

Do your Wordle for the day, crochet, cross stitch, doodle or paint, read a book, play some video games, attempt a crossword without Googling any answers… whatever floats your boat! By replacing some of your social media time with a hobby, you’re well on your way to improving your skills, PLUS those pics of your friend’s new puppy are still there to look at later. Love it.

5. Figure Yourself Out with Journaling

Getting introspective is an important step to finding out why you use social media so much in the first place. 

To do this, start by busting out your journal! Try these prompts:

What is my relationship with social media?

Why do I use it as much as I do?

Do I find social media helpful, harmful, or somewhere in between?

Why do I want to take a social media break?

Getting to know your own motivations can help solidify a change in behaviour. If you find that you’re sick of using social media so much and want to make a change, writing that down can really make it sink in. 

The next time you want to use social media as a knee-jerk reaction to boredom, journal instead! The DiveThru app has tons of prompts, and it’s right there on your phone. Or you can do a mindfulness exercise in the app, a breathing exercise, or read one of our articles. 

Think of it this way. You can either spend time on social media like you have done in the past (even though you reading this article is a big tell that you’d rather not do that). OR, you can change your habit to become more introspective, get to know yourself better, and take on those mental health challenges you’ve been facing. Up to you. We recommend the second one but, y’know, we don’t run your life.

6. Try Mindfulness

Now that you know all about your motivations with social media, it can be a good idea to take a step back and practice mindfulness!

Besides having a whooole bunch of benefits, mindfulness can help you calm down any anxious or stressed thoughts you might have. If you’re using social media as a distraction from something that’s stressing you out, mindfulness can help you confront that stress at the source and to calm your anxious responses down. Less stress and anxiety in your daily life, less turning to social media as a way to distract yourself. It’s a win-win! 

Don’t worry if mindfulness is new to you! It doesn’t come easy to everyone, and your mind might wander while you practice. That’s why we created the 14 Day Mindfulness Practice with Dr. Justin Puder. He’ll give you new methods to use to get into the habit of mindfulness in just two weeks, with video exercises, guided audios, and journal prompts to lock it all in. Check it out in the DiveThru app!

7. Get an Accountability Buddy

Do you and your friend send each other memes on every app, multiple times a day, but you’re both getting sick of the scroll? Then challenge each other to take breaks! 

Forming and breaking habits can be smoother when you have someone else doing it with you. By being accountable to each other, you have another person reminding you of why you’re doing it, which can help motivate you to put the phone down (or to not turn off that app timer for the third time that day). 

Plus, a little competition never hurts. Instead of keeping track of your snapstreak, keep track of your screen time. And if you’re feeling extra competitive, say that whoever has more screen time at the end of the week has to pay for dinner. Who doesn’t love free food??

Now that you have some ideas, go forth and be the most productive, most satisfied, and least distracted social media user, without needing a full delete! 

 

How to Have Difficult Conversations with Your Loved Ones

It’s tough to disagree with loved ones. Really tough. Ideally, we could just avoid fighting with our families, friends, and partners… but it’s not an ideal world, is it? It’s important to know how to have difficult conversations so that you can navigate small and major disagreements when they happen. 

Whether it’s small things like putting away laundry to bigger topics like finances or family planning, there are some overarching tips to help mitigate awkwardness or anger. Let’s dive thru some ways you can manage difficult conversations with loved ones: 

1. Prepare 

Think carefully about what you want out of the conversation. If it’s an argument, ask yourself what a reasonable resolution would be. If it’s a discussion about planning for the future, ask yourself what compromises you’re willing to make. When preparing, be mindful that the discussion should only be about one topic—if you have other grievances or concerns, try to keep those in a separate conversation, and don’t bring up old disagreements. Prepare to “fight fair,” because yelling, insults, and silent treatment don’t create anything positive. 

It’s also a good time to remind yourself why this person is important to you, and that they’re most likely not your enemy. Just because you have a different perspective or opinion, does NOT mean that you still don’t love them and value their presence in your life. Obviously, there are some things that are not okay to ignore in the name of family or love, like racism/ sexism/ homophobia or abuse. Those are more challenging convos and we’ll tackle them later in the article! But for other disagreements, remember that your endgame is not to “win” the argument at all costs, but to come to an agreement. 

2. Choose a Time 

While it might be tempting to blurt out your frustrations in the heat of the moment, that’s not the best way to handle sensitive subjects. Pick a time when both of you are free, but not right after work or before bed. Also, maaaybe don’t shoot them a “we need to talk” text because that’s a day-ruiner right there. 

 

3. Phrasing 

Because we all have a tendency to feel personally attacked when having arguments or serious discussions, it’s a good idea to phrase things in a non-accusatory way. Even though you may be feeling upset, people are more likely to get their guard up if they feel like they’re being accused of something. Here’s an example: 

Poor phrasing: “Can you not be so lazy and clean up after yourself? I’m sick of always putting your dishes away.”

Better phrasing: “I feel stressed when our house is messy. Can you help me keep things tidier?”

In the latter example, the person says how they’re feeling, doesn’t ascribe blame, and asks for a resolution they can work together toward. 

In another example, where a relative says something offensive at a family gathering, flat-out saying “you’re being shitty” isn’t going to foster a conversation. If you have the bandwidth for it, framing the conversation as being helpful is more likely to create a dialogue (calling someone in, instead of out).

Something like “hey [name], that’s not the best way to say that. Here’s what you should say next time. I know you’re not a bad person so I’d hate for you to make other people feel unsafe unintentionally.” 

Obviously it’s a different conversation entirely if it’s not the first time and someone is intentionally being, well, shitty. But if a loved one uses a wrong or dated term, and you feel you can put in the emotional labour to talk about it, calling them in instead of calling them out will go a long way. 

4. Listen 

An important thing to remember when having a difficult conversation is to listen. You might be hopped up on adrenaline and anxiety, but allowing your loved one space to express their feelings and be heard is really important. Instead of catching your breath and waiting for a pause so you can start arguing your side again, listen to what they’re saying. Work to understand why they feel or act the way they do, instead of ascribing intent. 

If your goal is to work together with your loved one to find a solution, that can only truly be done by understanding where each of you is coming from. As far as how to have difficult conversations where one of you is clearly in the wrong, that’s another story and we’ll dig into that more later. 

5. Acknowledge Your Bias and Assumptions 

Everybody is the main character in their own story. And while you might try your best to be open and understanding with others, you will always have a bias because you can only ever truly know your own POV. So, acknowledge that. Understand that your truth isn’t necessarily the objective truth. 

Likewise, as tempting as it may be to try to plan out exactly what your loved one is going to say before a discussion, you’re making assumptions about their feelings and perspective. Going back to that example argument about cleaning the house, it can be tempting for the one person to assume their partner is just being lazy, but that’s still an assumption. There are other possibilities, so listen to them (hey that was tip #4!). Work to understand their perspective without judgment, because that’s what you want them to do too! 

6. You Don’t Have to Win Every Discussion  

Most of the time, even difficult conversations with loved ones aren’t a zero sum game. Conversations about household chores, planning for the future, or even beliefs do not need to have a winner and loser. 

If you view every interaction with a loved one through the lens of a scorecard, you might “win” an argument but at a great cost, where ultimately the toll it takes isn’t worth it. Consider how you would feel if your partner fist-pumped and whooped after a difficult conversation… the relationship would suffer. Even in major disagreements, the goal should be to move the relationship forward, and that means everyone wins—even when they have to compromise. 

7. Deal in Good Faith 

The previous three points really could be summed up as discussing in good faith. We don’t mean religious faith—we’re talking about the legal term. If you’ve seen enough of Suits or The Good Wife, you know that good faith is the sincere intention to deal fairly with others. So basically go into the conversation with good intentions toward creating the best possible result for everyone involved. Sometimes that might mean you’re “right,” but remember that’s not the point. Just be the kind and amazing person that you are, and your loved ones will be inspired to be kind too! 

3 Types of Difficult Conversations 

Let’s get technical! There are many levels of tough conversations, from day-to-day arguments to big-picture disagreements. While the severity of topics and consequences vary, they’re all stressful to handle in their own special ways. Let’s dive in! 

Day-to-Day Arguments 

These can be run-of-the-mill arguments, like household chores, staying out past curfew, or the result of a poorly-phrased comment. When dealing with these, it may not require as much planning or scheduling, but there should be an emphasis on phrasing and listening. So think constructive criticism instead of yelling.

This can also include setting boundaries with your loved ones. Which can be really hard! You might feel guilty, anxious, full of self-doubt, and a whole bunch of other stressful emotions. But there’s a reason that you want to set the boundary, and in these cases the only emotions that are relevant are yours. When setting a boundary, phrasing is important. You’re ultimately telling someone what you want and what the consequences are if that boundary is crossed. 

“If you make comments about my appearance then I’m going to leave.” 

“If you don’t stop yelling at me then I’m going to hang up the phone.”

While phrasing is important, you ultimately can’t control their response. Some people have a hard time being told no and will take it v personally. That’s why phrasing the consequence as something you will do is better than saying they won’t be allowed to do something. It’s up to them how they respond, but phrasing boundaries clearly helps remove any loopholes or misunderstandings they might try to find. 

Planning for the Future 

It can be awkward to plan your future with your partner. Sure, odds are you’re already pretty open with each other about what you want in life, but it’s still uncomfortable to put yourself out there. Figuring out plans for where you want to live, if you want to marry, whether or not you want kids (or how many!), how you’ll split costs, and other big life choices is STRESSFUL. 

For these conversations, all of the above tips are relevant. Don’t spring a conversation about opening a joint bank account on your partner over lunch. Set a time and give both of you a chance to prepare. Be mindful of phrasing, because there’s a big difference between “I don’t think we need a joint account because xyz” and “I don’t want you spending MY money.” 

And speaking of family planning, if you do decide to be child-free, that can be a very difficult conversation with your families. Once again, plan ahead when and how you’re going to tell your loved ones, and set clear boundaries about future discussions. You can only control how you tell people something, not how they feel about it.  

Beliefs 

You’ve probably heard something to the effect of “never discuss religion or politics at the dinner table.” There’s a good reason why! 

Our brains are hardwired to reject information that contradicts our beliefs. If you haven’t seen it before, check out this great comic on the backfire effect. As the author put it, making snap judgements based on emotion over logic makes sense from an evolutionary perspective because “if you were a caveman and another caveman threw a boulder at your head, you wouldn’t react by logically debating the pros and cons of getting brained.” BUT unfortunately this also means that we’re far more likely to fall victim to confirmation bias, where we only look for information that supports our view instead of looking for objective evidence. 

This makes conversations about politics, religion, and other beliefs much more difficult. Not everybody has the same beliefs, and that’s okay. If you disagree with someone about iPhone vs Android, or Marvel vs DC, that’s totes fine! But if someone’s beliefs preclude them from believing that all humans should have equal rights, then that’s NOT okay. 

How to Handle These 3 Types of Difficult Conversations

So, what the heck are you supposed to do if your loved ones are sharing conspiracy theories about the pandemic or making thinly-disguised (or blatantly) racist comments? How do you have that particular difficult conversation without things getting awkward or defensive? 

1. Start With Your Boundary

Think of it like setting a boundary. As mentioned above, the best way to set boundaries is to explain how you feel. 

“If someone is choosing not to be vaccinated then I don’t feel safe having them over for dinner, regardless of whether we’re related.” 

“If you continue calling the pandemic a hoax then I’m going to stop coming over to visit you.”

“When I hear you talk like that about women’s reproductive health, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to feel that way around my family.”

If the person gets angry, then you can choose to end the conversation and enforce your boundary. At that point, you need to do what’s best for your own mental health, and hope your loved one figures it out on their own. Australian journalist Myke Bartlett had this comparison for people dealing with major disagreements with loved ones: 

“This is a lesson most parents learn eventually. You can tell your kid there’s no monster under the bed, but you can’t stop them feeling like there is. All you can do is turn on the light, let them do the work and hope they eventually come to the right conclusion.”

2. Work Through the Awkwardness

If someone is open to having a good faith conversation, then you can choose to continue (or plan a future time to talk). It’s probably going to be awkward, but you know what they say about breaking eggs to make an omelet. Ijeoma Oluo, author of So You Want To Talk About Race, had this to say about working through that awkwardness: 

“Know what your goal is, and state that goal, and then tailor the conversation towards that. If you come in really confrontational … and your goal is to get them to be more supportive of you, that’s not going to achieve the goal. If you want them to know that maybe the things they’ve been saying are unacceptable, then maybe just saying, ‘You know, this is unacceptable, and this is why,’ is your goal.”

3. Listen to Their Fears

Listening to your loved one’s concerns can also help foster a conversation. Fear is a powerful motivator and can overwhelm logical thinking. Listening to your loved one talk about their fears, even if unfounded, will make them feel validated. You’re not actually validating their problematic belief, just the fact that they feel scared—but that can be enough. People may feel attacked if they feel they are being criticized for a belief they honestly hold. Oluo again, on listening: 

“[I recognized] that the fear I was hearing … was fear that maybe this was going to divide us …. So me being really clear about how I needed her to support me … gave her a purpose and a place.”

Of course, this is all related to good faith conversations. If your loved one seemed open to chat but then refused to acknowledge their bias, used false evidence without remorse, or became hostile, then the only thing you can do is enforce your boundary. It sucks, because you never want to feel like you need to choose between your own mental health and a loved one. Just remember, all you can control is your words and actions, not your loved ones response. 

We hope this helps you deal with major disagreements or difficult conversations with your loved ones. But either way, we’re proud of you for being thoughtful about how you handle whatever situation you find yourself in. 

 

6 Self-Care Tips to Practice After a Gender-Affirming Surgery

Gender-affirming surgery can be such an amazing tool for people to feel right in their bodies. It has a HUGE satisfaction rate post-op, with over 94% of people happy that they underwent the procedure! Trans people deserve to feel secure in their bodies, and surgery is one way to achieve that!

But just like any surgery, you’ll need to focus on self-care afterwards. Post-op self-care for trans folks will be different from the normal physical routine! For this list, we’ll break down some self-care tips for people who’ve undergone gender affirmation surgery.

1. Lean on Your Support System

Surgery is a big deal, so you’ll probably need some help right now. Your support system is gonna be huge in making this process as painless as possible! 

Whoever you include in your support system is up to you. Friends, coworkers, family, Mr. Rogers-esque neighbours, and anyone else who has showered you with unconditional love after coming out can count here! If you’re looking for a little extra mental health support, talking to your therapist can deeefinitely help.

If you’re too sore to go get groceries, need reminders to take your pain meds, or are feeling so many emotions about the procedure, let your support system know that you need your people around you. You would do the same for them, so relying on them right now will make both of you feel good! 

2. Prioritize Physical Recovery

You should obviously take care of your mental health right now, but your physical health is your top priority. Make sure that you follow directions from your doctor regarding the aftercare of whichever procedure you got done. 

When it comes to physical recovery, some trans people that have undergone surgery are critical of the lack of warning from therapists pre-op. Lily Carollo, a trans woman, said this about the vaginoplasty recovery process:

“… my pre-op therapy didn’t help me realize how extraordinarily hard it would be to recover from the surgery I had: the stress from being unable to eat solid food for a week and a half, and the feeling of helplessness from being so bedridden and unable to walk normally for weeks, to name only two difficulties.” 

The recovery process will be challenging, and the way you physically feel can affect your mental health. So make sure you’re ready to take on these challenges before you undergo surgery. Definitely look up personal experiences from trans people and find out the reality of gender affirmation surgery. There’s also post-surgery physiotherapy for trans folks that can help with recovery after and preparation for top, bottom, or any other kind of cosmetic surgery. 

3. Prepare Your Expectations

Carollo points out another important factor to consider after undergoing gender-affirming surgery: it’s not a cure-all for the struggles that trans people face.

The message isn’t exactly upbeat, but it’s an important thing to remember. While gender-affirming surgery does have a huge satisfaction rate, it won’t get rid of gender dysphoria. There’s also societal issues, like discrimination, misgendering, and increased rates of violence against trans people. 

We’re just adding this as a primer for the procedure. If you’re struggling with gender dysphoria, anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, make sure you’re taking all the steps needed to take care of your mental health before AND after the surgery. It can act as a mental health boost to help with gender dysphoria, but there might be more work to do! 

4. Find Your Community

Undergoing a procedure like gender-affirming surgery is a big deal that not a lot of people are going to understand. Your inner circle will empathize, sympathize, and accept you during your social transition, but gender-affirming surgery is not an experience that many people go through. That’s why it’ll be hugely helpful to find a community that has had gender affirmation surgery.

You can look for local 2SLGBTQ+ organizations in your city to find people who are experiencing the same thing as you. You can also turn to the internet for support! Organizations like Trans Lifeline can help out, with trans people on phone lines ready to talk through any concerns, and microgrants for things like legal name changes, gender identification changes, as well as trans healthcare. You can also check out The Tribe for 2SLGBTQ+ peer-to-peer support. 

Finding your people can be tough sometimes, but that’s the beauty of the internet! Get connected with other trans folks who know what you’re going through. 

5. Journal It Out

Journaling can be a super helpful tool to figure out your own thoughts. You’re probably going through a lot post-op: physical pain, stress, and a whole bunch of other emotions surrounding your surgery. So how do you really feel about it?

Think about prompts like these:

  • How do I feel about my gender identity now that I’m post-op? 
  • What are some ways that gender affirmation surgery has affected the way I view my body? 
  • How am I feeling about my gender dysmorphia? Would a check-in with my therapist help me manage these feelings?
  • What are five kind things I could say about my body right now?

Journaling is a great (low impact) activity to work through whatever you’re going through at the moment. It’s for your eyes only, so don’t be afraid to let it all out! And the DiveThru app has plenty more prompts to choose from. 

6. Practice Self-Love

Your post-op sensations are gonna be overwhelming. You’re sore, tired, but most likely happy with your choices. So show yourself some love!

It can be difficult to show self-love when your body doesn’t feel right. So now’s a time to show gratitude for yourself! Grab your favourite snack, wear your comfiest pair of sweats, and watch your most loved nostalgic movie. Self-love is a great way to boost your happiness and really act on your own feelings to show appreciation for yourself.

And if you want to find out all the wonderful ways you can build gratitude in your life, check out the course Practicing Gratitude in the DiveThru app. Therapist Simone Saunders will cover the incredible ways that gratitude can make a positive change in your life – without that toxic positivity nonsense. 

Gender affirmation surgery is no small decision, but you committed to it. Whatever makes you feel at home in your body is worth it! So take all the time you need to recover, heal, and become emotionally well. From the DriveThru team to you, you have our full support!!

 

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse & What to Do Next

If you need to exit this page quickly, click here to open a google search for “weather.” This will not erase your browser history. 

Okay, before we start off on this article, we should give you a trigger warning! We’re going to be talking about abuse and how it affects victims. If this content is difficult for you to read, please take care of yourself and step away. 

Because it’s discussed more often, you’re probably aware of the common signs of physical abuse. It can be easy to miss the signs of emotional abuse because it can come in different forms and be harder to identify. 

Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is when the abuser uses power over you to exclude and intimidate you mentally through their words and actions. Whoever said “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” did NOT know what they were talking about. If you’re anything like us, you probably still remember things that a childhood bully said decades ago. It can be so much worse if those words come from a loved one, like a parent or partner.

So we’re going to dive into the warning signs, effects of emotional abuse, as well as how to deal with it if it’s happening to you or a loved one. 

What Is Emotional Abuse? 

If you’ve ever been exposed to love-bombing, manipulation, or the downplaying of your emotions, you’ve likely been vulnerable to mental and verbal abuse. It can happen to you without you even realizing it. Emotional bullying gives the perpetrator influence over you by accusing, exploiting, condemning, and humiliating your feelings, ultimately affecting your mental health and self-confidence. 

Emotional abuse can start subtly, sometimes using personality and charisma to captivate you while masking their true colours until they know you are comfortable enough with them to control you. Then, they make you believe that what they are doing is a normal part of your connection or friendship with them. At that point, you’re in a cycle of abuse. 

The most common kind of emotional abuse is observed in romantic relationships, but it can happen in pretty much any situation where someone is in a position of perceived power over another person, such as a parent, boss, or caregiver. No matter the type of relationship that exists, abuse is never the victim’s fault. There is no excuse for that kind of treatment—and no one deserves it.  

If you need to exit this page quickly, click here to open a google search for “weather.” This will not erase your browser history. 

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Let’s get into a few signs of emotional abuse so that you know exactly what they are and how to recognize them.

1. Love Bombing 

Maybe you’ve never heard the term love bombing but you’ve seen it before, whether in real life, on TV, or in movies (looking at you, Ross Geller…). There’s a difference between love bombing and the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. Love bombing occurs when a partner overwhelms you with affection, charming words, and behaviour patterns to gain your trust and manipulate you over time.

This act of intense affection can only last for so long. As abusers might start to withhold affection from the victim. Some more examples of love bombing include: 

  • Not taking no for an answer
  • Sudden interest in everything you are interested in 
  • Always in your personal space, not giving you room to breathe 
  • Overbearing compliments 
  • Constant communication with you through texts or calls to check-in
  • Randomly appearing at your home unannounced 
  • Saying “I love you” very early on in the relationship 
  • Giving you gifts constantly 

This can also happen in non-romantic relationships. Friends, family members, coworkers, and managers can also be charming and complementary to try to create compliance instead of community. 

2. Gaslighting 

When an abuser repeatedly distorts or denies the truth, it causes victims to doubt their reality and/ or perceptions. As a result, you lose faith in yourself and begin questioning your memories of what happened based on what the person has told you. This is called gaslighting.

For example: in the Netflix series Maid, Alex was trying everything she could to avoid returning to her abuser. But when she needed his assistance, he began to lovebomb her and be there for her. Then, as she got more at ease, he began to gaslight her about leaving him and claiming that the abuse she claims he committed was not valid. 

Here are some examples of gaslighting: 

  • “I never said/ did that.”
  • “Are you sure that happened? I don’t remember that.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”

3. Constant Criticism

Nobody’s perfect, but no matter how hard you try, it’s never good enough for your partner, boss, friend, or family member. It’s as if they’re always looking for any “imperfection” to point out to you, making you feel sooooo self-conscious. It can feel as if they know just what will set you off and break you apart.

Constant criticism is a form of emotional abuse as the abuser tries to make their victim feel like they’re not good enough and don’t deserve their partner… which can play a role in trauma bonding. 

Some examples of constant criticism include: 

  • Criticizing small actions (like leaving a dirty dish on the counter instead of putting it in the sink) as a character flaw
  • Body shaming, whether it’s criticizing weight or clothes or eating habits
  • Refusing to apologize for hurtful things they’ve said or done because “you’re being too sensitive,” or otherwise dismissing valid emotions 

4. Insults, Swearing and Physical Aggression

When an abuser realizes they can control their victim, they may begin to lash out with nasty comments in rage. It might be a supervisor at work making verbally abusive statements to you when they are angry. It may also involve physical aggressiveness that may or may not be directed at the victim, like throwing a phone or punching a wall.

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5. Possessive and Controlling 

It feels good to be cared for. But while it’s nice to get a text from your partner asking if you made it home okay, it’s not nice to get a text asking where you are because your partner needs to know otherwise they’ll get angry with you. That’s the difference between being cared for and being controlled. 

Abusive partners may use patronizing or condescending language to make you believe that you can’t do certain things without their permission. You are your own person, with your life. You know you’re not doing anything wrong, but someone who wants to control you may make you believe you are. 

Here are some examples of possessive and controlling behaviour in emotionally abusive relationships: 

  • They try and control who you are allowed to hang out with 
  • They tell you what you can and can’t wear 
  • They need to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times 
  • They need to know private details like your debit pin or other passwords 
  • They always want to be with you 

Effects of Emotional Abuse

Since we’ve gone over all of the emotional abuse red flags to look out for, let’s move on to the effects. It might be difficult to leave an emotionally abusive environment. You might not even know you’re in a risky position until you leave. And when you’re bonded through trauma with the abuser, it’s much more challenging to go since you’ve become accustomed to their abusive behaviour as well as the love and assurance they still provide you. It might also feel like you don’t know where to go. It can feel humiliating to share what you have gone through. Like in Maid, Alex was trying to express the emotional abuse she had been subjected to to the social worker, she didn’t know how to describe it in a way that would be taken seriously.

Emotional abuse may have long-term and short-term consequences. You may learn things through that connection or relationship with that person that you will carry with you for a long time. You may be afraid to open out to new people because you’re so scared they’ll treat you as the abuser did. It can instill a lot of fear and have an impact on your physical and emotional health.

Some examples of the effects of emotional abuse include: 

  • Depression 
  • Anxiety 
  • Inability to make decisions 
  • Confused 
  • Not sure of yourself 
  • Low self-confidence 
  • Guilt 
  • Tend to doubt yourself a lot 
  • Over apologizing 
  • Easily triggered 
  • Feeling ashamed of yourself                                                                                                                                    

If you need to exit this page quickly, click here to open a google search for “weather.” This will not erase your browser history. 

How to Heal From Emotional Abuse 

If you’re suffering from emotional abuse, the best thing you can do is leave. Unfortunately, that’s not always immediately safe to do. In Canada, three-quarters of intimate partner homicides happen during the separation process, and a similar increase in the risk of violence for the two years following separation. We have links to resources at the end of this article, with tips to help access them more safely. 

Whether you’re in the process of leaving an abusive partner or have experienced emotional abuse in the past, it’s a traumatic thing to go through. It’s important to find healthy ways to cope with your feelings. 

Love Yourself 

In an emotionally-abusive relationship, the victim can ignore their own feelings or prioritize the abusive partner’s emotions over their own. Emotional abuse can also create feelings of low self-worth. It’s so key to remember that your feelings are valid, and that it’s okay to do things you want to do. It’s not selfish, it’s self-care. By actively choosing to prioritize your own interests and feelings, you’re re-learning to love yourself. 

Find Trustworthy People 

Because abusers often work to isolate their victims, people dealing with emotional abuse can feel alone. But just like Mr. Rogers said, “look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Even if it doesn’t feel like it, there are people who will help you. Loved ones and support workers can help you escape, and rebuild your life. Suffering emotional abuse can make it hard to trust others, but it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of trusting—just that you have to make a more conscious effort. 

Seek Professional Help 

Last but not least, seek professional support, whether from a mental health professional or social worker. This is one of the ways you will be able to escape the situation, as these professionals can guide you on ways and things you can do to be safe is important.

We can put a lot of guilt on ourselves when we know we aren’t being treated with respect. If you recognize any of the signs listed in this article, remember that you DO NOT deserve this treatment, and you ARE NOT to blame. You deserve far better treatment, and it doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person for thinking so. Getting space to acknowledge the situation and finding a safe way to leave an abuser can be really hard, but your wellbeing is worth it. Finding positive support systems around you, like trusted loved ones or a mental health professional, can support you in coping. It’s not always easy to open up about what you’re going through, but going at your own pace can help you go back to living a healthy life where you are free to live life on your own terms, not anyone else’s. 

If you are in any danger and are experiencing any type of abuse, please get in touch with these domestic violence hotlines at 1-604-875-0885 (Canada) and 1-800-799-7233 (United States). There are also some more resources for crisis situations here.

If you need to exit this page quickly, click here to open a google search for “weather.” This will not erase your browser history. 

Internet Safety Tips

Here are some tips to minimize the risk of someone knowing that you’re researching domestic violence-related topics (via Tech Safety): 

  • If you think your devices or internet search activities are being monitored, access this information from a device that isn’t being monitored. That should be a device that the person does not or has not had physical or remote access. This is the safest thing to do if you don’t want someone to know that you are visiting these websites. 
  • Sign out of other accounts, such as Google or Facebook, before visiting these sites. 
  • Use your internet browser settings to increase your privacy, such as turning off browsing history or using the browser in-private mode. 
  • If it is safe to do so, delete the websites URLs that you don’t want stored from the browser history. 
  • Use a Virtual Private Network (VPN) to increase the security of your internet browsing and activity.

Different Types of Therapy & Approaches in Psychology

What comes to mind when you think about therapy? Maybe you’re picturing that episode of Euphoria where we got to see Jules’ therapy sesh. Or maybe you’re just picturing yourself lying on a couch in a stuffy office while a psychologist scribbles your struggles on a clipboard. Therapy is definitely better than that second example, because good therapists do way more than just scribble. And your therapy session won’t be the plot line of a TV show episode… so that’s also good.

Therapy was once a taboo subject that few people discussed openly. But mental health has become more normalized in recent years, thanks in large part to the pandemy we have been living in. So whether you’re already seeing a therapist, in the process of finding one, or are just open to the possibility but aren’t sure where to begin, we’ve got you covered! Hi-fives all around!

So, enough babbling: let’s dive thru the different types of therapy! 

Approaches in Psychology

Psychotherapy is provided by mental health experts who have received specialized training, such as psychiatrists (who can prescribe medication), psychologists, and therapists. This sort of therapy can be one-on-one, as a couple or family, or in a group. Psychotherapy can help by giving you a chance to talk through your struggles with someone who is actively listening to you, and provide coping strategies to help make things more manageable. 

Psychotherapy, sometimes known as talk therapy, has four major perspectives:  

Psychoanalysis/ Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychoanalysis was developed by neurologist Sigmund Freud. The idea is that everyone has unconscious thoughts and feelings that impact the way they think, feel, and act. Treatment is usually a series of sessions where the client and therapist talk and try to dig deeper into the why. Psychodynamic therapists support you by addressing patterns in your dreams, feelings, ideas, and early experiences, helping you express yourself and understand your self-identity. 

What distinguishes this therapeutic method is that it focuses on each individual’s experiences and self-awareness. Over time, the person builds long-term coping habits while recognizing how their patterns impact them. 

Psychoanalysis therapy can help with: 

  • Depression 
  • PTSD
  • Anxiety 
  • Panic Disorders 
  • Grief 
  • Eating Disorders

Psychoanalytic therapy does focus on discussing past traumatic experiences, so it can be a lot for people who aren’t ready to do that. In that case, this next type might be a better option. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a short-term therapeutic approach that handles unpleasant emotions such as pain, anxiety, and grief. CBT is based on the idea that psychological problems are largely caused by a cycle of flawed thinking leading to flawed actions. The goal of CBT is to help people cope and correct those flawed thought processes. 

These types of common thinking errors can include: 

  • Filtering (refers to only looking at the negative elements of a situation while filtering out any positive details)
  • Polarized thinking (refers to thinking in a binary or black/white way, either a total success or abject failure)
  • Overgeneralization (assuming one incident constitutes a pattern, like getting a bad grade on a paper and believing you are a bad student who should just drop out)
  • Jumping to conclusions
  • Catastrophizing 
  • Personalization (thinking that everything is about you/ your fault)
  • Fallacies of fairness (the idea that the people who work hardest or sacrifice the most will be rewarded fairly) 

CBT helps treat medical conditions like substance-use disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. It’s also the most widely used intervention to improve self-esteem. For example, instead of saying “I’m stupid,” CBT would have you challenge that negative thought and remind yourself of the evidence that it’s not true. Tell yourself “I got into university” or “I helped someone at work with something they didn’t understand,” instead of accepting your negative thought as truth. 

We fully know that those self-reminders can be veeeery hard to, well, remember. CBT is more about developing the skills that will allow you to work through your thoughts. So most of the “work” is done on your own, outside of the therapist’s office. If that sounds like something you would like – great! If not, consider humanistic therapy (which is further down in our list!). 

Exposure Therapy

Almost everyone is scared of something. Maybe it’s spiders, heights, or wide open spaces. Exposure therapy is a process where a therapist helps their client accept or even overcome their fears or triggers. This is done by creating a safe environment to confront the fear. This could mean literally facing your fear, like having a spider in a terrarium for the patient to look at. But it can also be done with some sort of virtual reality, like using a flight simulator to help alleviate flying anxiety. It could also be entirely done using imagination, where the person imagines a traumatic experience and talks their way through it. 

Exposure therapy has a lot of benefits, including the possibility of getting rid of those visceral feelings you have about the trauma or phobia that’s affecting you. However, it’s also a very intense experience, and that can often make things feel significantly worse before they improve. It’s really important to talk this over with a therapist before doing any kind of exposure therapy—do not just google images of your fear to try it by yourself. 

Exposure therapy can start off with some elements of CBT—as you develop the skills you’ll need when you come face-to-face with your trigger. There are a lot of strategies and different paces that exposure therapy can be done at, so don’t expect your therapist to bring a tarantula to your first appointment. Unless it’s Take Your Pet to Work Day or something? They should really give you a heads up, though! 

Exposure therapy can help the following mental health conditions:

  • Post-traumatic stress disorder 
  • Phobias 
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
  • Anxiety disorders 

Humanistic Therapy 

Humanistic therapy takes the concept that you must be your genuine self to live the life you want to live. Everyone sees the world through their own eyes, and you are the only person who understands your desires, aspirations, and, most importantly, what you want out of life.

Therapists that work with the humanistic approach don’t interpret how you feel. Instead, they work with you by simply accepting you as you are and teaching you to do the same. They support you by actively listening to you and might occasionally ask questions to be clear on what you are saying. For people who aren’t into CBT, humanistic therapy can be a better option because it focuses on adjusting the external factors of your life, instead of the way you think about them. 

Because there’s an inherent power imbalance between therapists and clients, it’s important for your therapist to make you feel like you are equal partners in the process. While they are the experts, if you feel like you’re being condescended to or otherwise looked down upon, you’re not going to want to listen to their advice or even make another appointment… which kinda defeats the whole purpose.  

Humanistic therapy can be used to treat some of the following: 

  • Addiction 
  • Personality Disorders 
  • Depression 
  • Panic Disorders 
  • Schizophrenia

Choosing the Best Approach for You

With so many treatment options available, you might not know what the best kind for you is. Don’t worry! You can talk to your general physician about what you’re going through, and they can recommend a few options! That’s kind of their job! Plus, as you’re interviewing therapists to see which one would be the best fit for you, this can be one of the questions you ask. (Along with all of these other questions that will help you choose a therapist and figure out the best one for YOU!)

Also, one more piece of advice we wanna share—you don’t HAVE to choose one of these approaches. This is meant to give you an introduction to the different perspectives in psychology but it’s defs not meant to put you into a neat little box with a fancy title. In fact, your therapist might recommend skills and strategies that overlap two approaches! What matters is that you communicate with them whether you feel like you’re making progress and then adjust according to your own unique history and needs.

Going to therapy for the first time can feel scary, but you’re not alone. You have loved ones and medical professionals who can support you! Plus, we believe in you! You go, bestie!!!

 

Not Sure If You’re Being Manipulated? 12 Examples of Emotional Manipulation to Look For

It can be hard to see the signs of emotional manipulation. Sometimes, the people we trust the most are actually using tactics to make you feel guilty, wrong, or like you’ve hurt them, even though you’re the one who’s being hurt. In fact, they might be using manipulation tactics without even realizing it!

If you’re being manipulated, you probably feel some mix of fear, guilt, or obligation, but you don’t understand why.

Understanding these tactics is crucial in maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being. Here are 12 common examples of emotional manipulation to be aware of:

1. “I was just kidding!”

When someone makes a hurtful comment and then dismisses your feelings by claiming it was a joke or that you’re being too sensitive, they’re invalidating your emotions. Everyone has the right to feel hurt, and no one should undermine that.

If you’re comfortable with the person, you can try to use “I” statements to explain to them why it hurt you, like, “I didn’t think that was funny because that topic is triggering to me.” If the person didn’t mean to hurt you, using an “I” statement like that can help them understand where you’re coming from.

2. “If you lost some weight, that shirt would look better on you.”

A manipulative person will prey on your insecurities to make you feel bad about yourself and diminish your self-esteem. Whether it’s about appearance, intelligence, or abilities, these comments are designed to make you feel inferior.

It could also take the form of a backhanded compliment, like, “I like your hair today. It looks better than it usually does.” Still an insult, but starting with a compliment gives the manipulator the ability to deny the insulting part. Recognizing this behaviour is the first step toward addressing it

3. “That never happened! You’re acting crazy.”

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where the person makes you doubt your own memories or perceptions. So if you know that your partner was being rude to you all night but they try to convince you that it never happened, you’re overreacting, or that you “always get like this,” it may be them gaslighting you. By denying events or feelings, the manipulator seeks to make you question your reality, leading to increased dependence on them.

Long-term, gaslighting can cause people to question their own senses and reality because they’re constantly having their experiences invalidated. This tactic is common in abusive relationships and can severely impact mental health.

Gaslighting is also pretty common in relationships with people who have narcissistic personality disorder. A lot of the behaviour in this list can be exhibited by people with NPD, so check out our other article to learn more!

4. “Well, your mother agrees with me, so you must be wrong.”

Bringing others into a disagreement to validate their point is a tactic manipulators use to isolate you and make you feel unsupported. By pitting you against not only them but people you’re close to, like your friends and family members, they’re trying to take away your support system and give themselves the upper hand.  This can lead to strained relationships with friends and family, further increasing the manipulator’s control.

5. “I don’t want to talk about this here. Come to my office instead.”

This tactic is called home court advantage. By insisting on discussing matters in a setting where they feel more in control, manipulators aim to intimidate and dominate the conversation. This “home court advantage” can make you feel vulnerable and less likely to assert yourself.

6. “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but this feels better than any other relationship I’ve been in.”

Have you heard the term “love bombing” before? Love bombing involves overwhelming someone with affection and praise to quickly establish a sense of dependency. They might claim that you’re soulmates, give you lots of gifts, and always text/call you.

Check-in with yourself: if the love you’re receiving is super early and pretty overwhelming, they’re likely love-bombing you in order to get an intense commitment right away. Someone who loves you will respect your boundaries, time, and individuality and not go too big or too fast. This can also be done inadvertently without ill intent, but it’s still harmful. It’s really important to set boundaries, no matter how excited you are about your new relationship. 

7. “Oh, I’m in the wrong? You’re the one who spent all of your time with your friend last week!”

Smokescreening/a red herring is a tactic where the manipulator brings up a different topic—usually something you did wrong in their eyes—in order to deflect from being confronted by you. They can bring up unrelated issues to avoid accountability. If you try to communicate with a manipulator and they want to change the subject right away, it may be a sign that they’re being manipulative.

8. “I want to know about you. Tell me everything.”

This one is situation-dependent because getting to know someone isn’t an inherently bad thing. But, if you find that the person asks lots of probing questions right away without offering much information of their own, they could be establishing a baseline and looking for weaknesses to manipulate later. Again, that’s not to say you shouldn’t get to know a new partner! But it should be a conversation you have together, not an interrogation. 

If you like the person, but find their questions a bit overwhelming, you can let them know that you aren’t ready to divulge everything right away and that you’ll tell them when you’re ready. It’s okay to set a boundary around your personal information!

9. “…”

The tactic is known as the silent treatment. This is a form of manipulation that’s loud and clear—without saying a word. Withdrawing communication without explanation is a form of punishment used to make you feel uncertain and anxious. This tactic pressures you into conforming to the manipulator’s desires to restore communication. They want you to reach out, apologize, and make up for whatever it is that’s making them ignore you, even when they don’t make the reason for the silent treatment clear. The silent treatment is not an effective replacement for open and honest communication.

10. “Fine. Don’t let me borrow your car. But could you at least give me a ride to work?”

The door-in-the-face technique can be used to manipulate people into giving in to a request by making a bigger request at first, which then makes the following request seem small. In the example above, borrowing someone’s car is a pretty big request, so asking for a ride to work seems reasonable in comparison, even if it’s not something you want to do. 

The foot-in-the-door technique is similar but in the other direction. The person will ask for something small, then escalate to something bigger. A salesperson in a retail setting might use this by asking you to try a sample of their product, then, after you’re covered in twelve of their products and have been in the store for fifteen minutes, they ask you to buy something. You already said yes in the beginning, so why not say yes now?

11. “You’re not going to stay late tonight? I’m really starting to question your dedication to this team.”

Toxic workplaces can use guilt-tripping as a tactic. Your manager or supervisor might guilt you into staying late in order to lessen the load on your co-workers, prove your dedication to your workplace, or show that you’re “worthy” of a raise or promotion. Just remember that you sign an agreement with your workplace to work a certain amount of scheduled hours per week, and you shouldn’t have to work late if you aren’t able to or don’t want to. A good work-life balance is vital to your mental health.

Outside of work, it can also look like: “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” —  it leverages your sense of responsibility and compassion to control your actions.

12. “I know that you agreed to see me once a week, but I really need you to see me three times a week at least.”

This one is called moving the goalpost. The manipulator will ask for something, then change what they want after the manipulated person gives in. It’s a form of boundary-pushing where the manipulator is trying to see how much they can get from another person. Remember what you originally agreed to, and if you don’t want to do more, then don’t do it! 

This is an under-discussed form of sexual assault. Just because you consented to one thing doesn’t mean that you consent to anything more than that. Consent is an ongoing process, and your boundaries deserve to always be respected.

You’re Being Manipulated. What Now?

You’ve made it through this list and thought, “Huh, maybe I am being manipulated…” How do you respond?

As always, it depends on the context. In a sales situation, spotting manipulation can help you shut it down and protect your money. Let that salesperson know that you know their tricks and you want a fair deal! Or take that free lotion sample, say thanks, and walk out—because you’re not obligated to buy anything. 

If you find that someone you’re close to is manipulating you, it can be a bit more complicated. Sometimes, manipulative people will use these tactics without even meaning to. If someone was brought up in a household where emotional manipulation was commonly used, that might be how they were taught to communicate. 

But that still doesn’t make it okay! It’s a conversation you’ll need to have with the person involved — and as long as you both remain direct and honest with communication, it can be worked out. But not everyone will be receptive, or accept that their behaviour is manipulative. Be ready to set boundaries with that person. 

Purposeful manipulation is a form of abuse. If you find yourself unsure of your feelings, questioning yourself, and feeling your mental health declining, reach out to your support system. Establishing firm boundaries with the manipulative person will be super important. A good practice is to delay your response to a request or demand from a manipulator—so you don’t let them guilt, shame, or confuse you into giving in. If it doesn’t feel right, check in with your emotions, and stick with your boundaries!

 

Self-Sabotage: What Is It & How Do We Stop Doing It?

If you’ve ever seen RuPaul’s Drag Race, you’ve probably heard him use the term “inner saboteur,” aka self-sabotage. When Ru observed the queens getting in their own way during rehearsal, he would tell them that they were sabotaging their greatness.

We have so many goals and dreams that we want to achieve, but self-doubt sometimes muddles our thoughts and we end up giving up before even taking the first step. According to Clinical Social Worker Natalie Asayag, “just about all of us fall victim to self-sabotage at one point or another whether it’s in a relationship, at work or school, or in recovery.”

So let’s DiveThru what exactly self-sabotage is and how to overcome it! 

What Is Self-Sabotaging? 

To sabotage something is to deliberately take action that stops it from succeeding. In turn, self-sabotage is when you (intentionally or not) do something that prevents you from achieving the goals that you actually WANT to achieve. 

Signs of Self-Sabotage

You might be involved in self-defeating your ambitions and/or relationships without ever recognizing it. 

It can often take the form of that little voice in your head, telling you that you don’t deserve success or aren’t worthy of what you get. That can lead you to stop trying to improve, because you feel like you’re not good enough. For example, you might not bother applying for your dream job because you’re “not going to get it anyway so why bother?” That lack of effort can manifest itself in a number of ways, like procrastination, imposter syndrome, and a lack of organization. 

Self-sabotage can also affect your relationships with your partner or friends—if you genuinely believe your partner is going to leave you anyway or your friends would rather not hang out with you, then any effort feels unnecessary. We’re here to tell you that’s NOT the case!! 

Self-sabotage can also take the form of a pessimistic outlook on life—because you expect bad things for yourself, you’re always looking out for the next bad thing that will happen to you… and forgetting to notice and appreciate all the good things that happen. 

It can be tough to break the cycle of self-destructive behaviour. You might start to feel guilty for feeling bad, because “others have it worse” so you feel like you’re being negative about nothing… aaaaaand now you feel worse. Great. 

Why Do People Self-Sabotage? 

We all want things in life, from small goals like getting a good grade on a paper to big life-changing goals, like moving to a new city or buying a house. But we can also be tempted to sabotage ourselves because our goals feel far-fetched or scary, so it’s easier to think we never had a chance than to try and possibly fail. 

Things that can trigger self-sabotage: 

  • Childhood trauma
  • Toxic relationship patterns 
  • Feeling overwhelmed 
  • A lack of boundaries 

Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging 

Self-sabotaging behaviour can prevent us from living the life we desire, so let’s dig into strategies to stop self-sabotaging before we start.

1. Find an Accountability Partner

Think of this like a positive way to use peer pressure. Basically, it’s a friend who is allowed to call you out when you start to get off track. If you’re struggling to motivate yourself, then adding a lil’ external pressure can help get things moving. 

For example, if you have a big project due in a couple weeks and you’re worried about procrastinating (aren’t we all?), your accountability partner can check in with you every so often to check in on your progress. Or maybe you want to take more evening walks, so you ask a friend to walk with you so that you’re accountable to them and not just yourself. 

Definitely set boundaries with this person though, because you don’t want to cause your friendship to be affected by feeling like you’re constantly supervising each other. 

2. Set Realistic Goals 

Do you ever feel like you have too much to do—to the point it causes you to not be able to get anything done? Like, if you can’t do everything then why do anything? You can help yourself by being honest about setting more realistic goals for yourself, and planning ahead to prioritize goals and pace yourself. 

Here are some ways to set and achieve realistic goals for yourself: 

  • Ask yourself what you want to do.
  • Write down steps to accomplish that goal. These should be accomplishable actions that you can do.
  • Be honest about how long each step will take.
  • Work your way through the list and add up the times to give yourself a reasonable timetable for the goal.
  • Write down checkpoints through the process, to give yourself mini deadlines. These checkpoints can help you be accountable, either to yourself or your accountability partner.

3. Journaling for Self-Awareness

If only we could recall everything. We have SO MANY feelings and thoughts, but they’re not always simple to address or even easy to remember. Journaling is a terrific approach to figure out what’s going on in your life and how you’re feeling about certain events or thoughts. 

Journaling with self-awareness in mind can help you identify particular things that irritate or agitate you. It can also help you get a new perspective on how you think and act in different settings, that you might not have been aware of. Journaling is an excellent way to divert your attention to what you can concentrate on.

When you have an idea of what to write, whether you feel strongly about particular emotions or how you respond to significant events in your life, it can also help you identify your habits, especially when it comes to self-sabotage. It may provide you with a window where you can go back and see what instances you have self-sabotaged, and it may give you insight on how to be more self-aware when sabotage wants to take over.

4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparison is the thief of joy. We are bombarded with comparison virtually every day, whether on Instagram, TikTok, or LinkedIn. It’s always in our faces, and comparison may sap your joy when you’re always seeing what others are doing instead of focusing on what you want for yourself. If you only see people posting vacation pics or sharing their promotion at work, it can be easy to compare yourself and feel like you’re not doing enough. 

Take social media with a grain of salt. If you judge others by their highlight reel and judge yourself by every single moment, it can make you more prone to self-sabotage by giving you the idea that you’re not as good or deserving as others, so you shouldn’t even try. That’s definitely not the case! 

5. Talk to a Therapist 

Self-sabotage behaviours can be highly harmful because they prevent you from doing things that you are capable of doing. It builds a cloud of self-doubt, and working with a mental health professional is a good way to shoo that cloud away. They can also provide you with techniques for coping and dealing with self-sabotaging tendencies.Self-sabotage is a tricky little monster that can prevent you from doing what you know you can do. But that doesn’t mean you’re a failure! Keep these strategies in mind to help yourself remember that you’re capable of achieving your goals, even if you sometimes forget that. You deserve to be happy, so don’t let that rude little voice in the back of your head get in the way!

 

6 Relaxing Video Games That Calm Your Anxiety

Are you looking for some relaxing video games that won’t spike your anxiety?? We’ve got you covered!

We understand that sometimes you want to play a nice, chill game without the pressure of a first person shooter (or kids online yelling about how bad you are… not speaking from personal experience or anything…). Gaming can be a great way to unwind and have fun, but some games might stress you out even further! A 2009 study found that playing casual video games — NOT violent and aggressive ones — can have a positive impact on stress levels. 

So, what are some chill games for anxiety-filled and less-than-ideal days? Let’s dive thru gaming in this list!

1. Stardew Valley

There are soooo many great things to say about this game.

You play a character that leaves their stressful, big city life to move to their grandfather’s old farm. Hallmark movie goals, honestly. How you play is up to you! There’s farming, ranching, mining, scavenging, and fishing, and basically any combination of those can allow you to progress in the game. Plus, there’s an online mode where you can play with a friend!

One of the best parts of Stardew Valley is the characters. The village is full of interesting characters that you get to know a little better as you go along, and you really get invested in each of their stories. As far as relaxing games go, Stardew Valley is one of the best.

Stardew Valley is available to play on all gaming platforms.

2. Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Remember the year 2020? It truly feels like a lifetime ago, but that was when Animal Crossing: New Horizons was released. Our entire social media feed for a good month or so was everyone’s cute and colourful villages.

Animal Crossing is a fantastic game for anxiety because the whole point is to just live. You make friends with other villagers, build your village as you see fit, plant flowers, style your villager, and mostly hang out in a cute, peaceful environment.

There’s satisfying reward systems, but definitely no combat or zombies or anything to spike anxiety. It runs on the same 24 hour time system as real life and rewards players coming back each day, so it’s a great way to spend a couple hours to relax after you’ve done all your normal life stuff. 

Animal Crossing: New Horizons is a Nintendo Switch exclusive.

3. Minecraft

You’d have to have been cryogenically frozen for the past ten years to have never heard of Minecraft. But, just in case you haven’t, or the name rings a bell but you don’t know what it is, we’ll explain it for you! 

Minecraft is an exploration game where you mine and craft. Okay that miiight have been obvious from the title. But one of the best parts of the game is that, if you want, that’s all you need to do. There is a combat aspect that can honestly be stressful at times, but if you make sure your character sleeps at night and watch out when you’re underground, the rest of the experience is so soothing. And the music?? Add it to your wind-down routine, because it is tranquil AF.

There is no right or wrong way to play Minecraft. If you want to build a cute house, farm some animals, and watch the sunset from your crafted home, that’s totally your choice! If you want to gear up and go spelunking for the more valuable materials, that’s all good, too. Minecraft is one of the top tier chill games because you can do whatever you want with it.

Minecraft is available on all gaming platforms. 

4. The Sims

Have you ever wanted to take a break from your regular life to live someone else’s, but still do all the stuff you’d normally do in a day? The Sims has you covered!

That’s mostly a joke, but also kinda true. The Sims is relaxing because there’s no real way to play it wrong. The game is a life simulator, meaning you make your character, build/buy their house, get them a job, make sure they’re fulfilled, and give them some sort of social life. From there, what you do is totally up to you. There are goals and objectives you can try to reach, but if your personal goal is to make the most aesthetically pleasing house possible, that’s totally an option. The Sims world is your oyster! 

The Sims is available on all gaming platforms.

5. Townscaper

If you spent hours as a kid building stuff out of blocks, Townscaper will be a great stress relief game for you.

This is another one of those games with no objective, but to take it further, this game has no plot or characters. The game is literally just building a town, and letting the game’s AI add cute little details into it. If you play your fave relaxing playlist in the background, then you’ve got a really calming experience.

The game has zero barriers to entry. Even if you’ve never played a video game in your entire life, Townscaper is easy enough to pick up. You play at your own pace, build whatever town or city you want, and watch your creation grow. It’s pretty, customizable, and a great experience to help you chill.

Townscaper is available on all gaming platforms.

6. Journey

There’s something really special about Journey.

First of all, the aesthetics. This is such a gorgeous game. The vibrant colours, simple and unique art style, and varied landscapes really make the game gorgeous. But more important than the look of the game is the experience. 

You play a character that isn’t named. The goal of the game is to follow the path to a beacon at the top of a mountain, finding glyphs to allow your character to fly higher and farther than they could before. The gameplay mechanics are super simple, and are honestly just a vessel for the emotional experience. 

But the most beautiful part of Journey is when you find another player. Unlike other online games, there’s no voice chat, name labels, or online lobbies. You simply stumble upon another player in the world, and then continue together, or part ways. The strange thing is that even though you can’t verbally or textually communicate, players almost always stick together, and even wait for each other if the other player falls behind or needs help. 

Journey brings players together in such a meaningful way that shows a deep and human understanding of connection, considering that it’s just a video game. There are no words needed to understand this adventure that you’re both on, and you will often stick with other people until the very end of the game, even when there’s no real necessity for it.

We won’t spoil the end of the game. You need to play it. It’s definitely a stress-relieving game that leaves you feeling so moved and fulfilled by the short yet powerful experience.

Journey is available on all gaming platforms.

With this list in mind, grab your comfiest loungewear, get that lo-fi playlist going, and calm your anxiety with these fun and relaxing video games!

How to Deal With Family Members That Disrespect You

Unfortunately, most people can relate to having that family member. You know the one — the person you avoid at gatherings because nearly every conversation leaves you feeling angry, exhausted, or on the verge of tears. Maybe they’re dishonest. Maybe they’re controlling. Maybe they hold harmful beliefs or just seem to go out of their way to be rude. However it shows up, dealing with family members who disrespect you can feel especially painful — because it’s not something that should happen.

Conflict is never easy, and being related to someone doesn’t make it any easier. While there’s no perfect, one-size-fits-all way to navigate these dynamics, there are strategies that can help you protect your peace and move through these situations with more clarity and confidence. Let’s dive in.

1. Keep Your Distance  

Just because you’re at the same family event doesn’t mean you need to sit down and chat. And if you do find yourself in a conversation with someone you’d rather not talk to, it’s okay to step away — politely or otherwise. There’s no unspoken rule about how long you have to stick around.

And if attending the gathering altogether is likely to impact your mental health? You have every right to skip it. Your well-being comes first — even when it comes to family.

The same goes for those unexpected run-ins, like bumping into them at the grocery store. You don’t owe them your time or energy, even if your only “plans” involve snacks and Netflix. A simple “Hey, I’ve got somewhere to be!” is more than enough.

That said, we know that avoidance isn’t always an option. When you do have to engage, having a plan can help you feel more in control.

2. Be Direct 

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, being direct can be one of the most effective ways to handle disrespectful behaviour. Laughing off comments or relying on passive cues can send mixed signals. Being clear helps draw the line.

Try using “I” statements to express how their behaviour affects you. For example:

“I feel disrespected when you make comments about my relationship.”

This keeps the focus on your experience rather than framing it as an attack, which can reduce defensiveness and (hopefully) open the door to more honest communication.

Sometimes, people are trying (and failing) to connect through humour or banter and just don’t realize they’ve crossed a line. Friendly teasing requires mutual consent — and if you don’t agree to it, it’s not okay. Letting them know you don’t appreciate those comments helps set the tone for future conversations.

And if it turns out they weren’t trying to bond — they were just being hurtful — you still deserve to stand up for yourself. Being direct makes it clear that you won’t tolerate being disrespected, regardless of their intentions. “It was just a joke” doesn’t excuse behaviour that causes harm.

3. Try To Stay Grounded 

When someone’s being rude or offensive, it’s totally valid to feel upset. But it’s also okay to choose not to take the bait. Sometimes, a quick redirection can shut down the conversation without escalating things:

“Glad to hear you’re keeping up on the news, Jim. Hey, Sasha — didn’t you go hiking last weekend? How was it?” 

That doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the issue or letting them off the hook. It just means you’re protecting your peace.  

And yes — staying calm is hard. But remember, staying grounded doesn’t mean you’re not setting boundaries. Sometimes, the calmest responses send the loudest message. Think back to your teenage years—being yelled at by your parents was nothing compared to a calm “I’m disappointed in you.” 

Try not to take their behaviour personally. Easier said than done, we know. But their words say more about them than they do about you. You are not responsible for their behaviour, and you are not overreacting for feeling hurt.

4. Sobriety 

Sometimes, disrespectful behaviour shows up when someone is under the influence of alcohol or other substances. That can add layers of complexity — because while intoxication may explain their behaviour, it doesn’t excuse it.

If this is a recurring issue, it might be worth planning dry family events or choosing to stay sober yourself — not because it’s your responsibility to manage their actions, but because it can help reduce the risk of escalation.

In some cases, there may be signs of a substance use disorder. If you’re open to it, speaking with other supportive family members and considering a more structured intervention might be a helpful step. If you go this route, try preparing ahead of time — write down what you want to say, and focus on expressing concern for their well-being rather than shame or blame.

Regardless of what you choose to do, give yourself space to process your own feelings, too. Supporting someone through addiction is difficult, and your emotional experience matters.

5. Set and Enforce Boundaries 

Setting boundaries isn’t about changing their behaviour — it’s about clearly stating yours. You can’t control how they act, but you can decide what you will and won’t tolerate. Remember earlier, how we talked about being direct? That’s key when it comes to setting boundaries. 

“I feel upset when you comment on my appearance. If you keep making those jokes, I’m going to leave the conversation.”

The key here is to be clear, calm, and consistent. And just as important as setting a boundary is actually following through on it. That’s why it helps to set boundaries you feel ready to enforce — not as punishment, but as a form of self-protection.

6. It’s Not Your Responsibility to “Fix” Them

Not everybody has the same beliefs, and that’s okay. Not all disagreements are created equal — if someone likes a different movie than you do — cool! That’s an easy difference to live with.

BUT there are certain things that just aren’t opinions. If your relative is making xenophobic jokes, sharing conspiracy theories about vaccines, being abusive, etc., that is not a difference of opinion.

You can speak up if you feel able to — but please remember that it’s not your job to educate or change them, especially at the cost of your own emotional energy. You’re allowed to walk away, even if it feels uncomfortable.

7. Cut Ties   

Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away — even from a family member. And while that decision is rarely easy, it doesn’t mean you’re being dramatic or unforgiving. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean there are no consequences for disrespectful behaviour. 

You’re simply choosing to protect your mental health — and that’s a valid choice.

You don’t owe anyone access to you, especially if they’ve repeatedly disrespected your boundaries. If you still want to maintain relationships with others in the family, let them know you’re not comfortable being around that person. You can be clear and kind:

“I’ve made the decision not to be around [Name] for my own well-being. I hope you can respect that.”

They may or may not understand — and that’s okay. You’re not responsible for managing their feelings, and you can’t control how others will react to your boundaries. But your mental health deserves to be prioritized. 

8. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve 

Even if it feels like the “right” decision, walking away from a relationship — or even just emotionally detaching from it — can bring up a deep sense of loss.

You might be grieving the person your relative used to be. Or maybe you’re grieving the relationship you always hoped for but never had. Either way, it’s real, and it deserves your compassion.

Make space for your feelings, whatever they are. Talking to a trusted loved one or therapist can help, especially someone who specializes in family dynamics or grief. Figuring out how to deal with family members that disrespect you is hard work, but you deserve love and respect. 

 

Figuring out how to deal with a disrespectful family member is never easy. And we’re so sorry that you even have to think about it. But you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships — yes, even with family.

Remember: being related to someone doesn’t give them a free pass to mistreat you. Family is a privilege, not a right.

If you are looking for support from a therapist with family or grief concerns, our matching tool can help you narrow down your search to find the ideal therapist for you. 

6 Ways To Take Care of Yourself While Working Night Shifts

Maybe you like working night shifts or maybe you dread them. Either way, if they’re part of your job, you need to get through them. And that’s where we come in!

We do have a whole article on fixing your sleep schedule but let’s dig into the night-shift specific stuff.

You’re probably well aware that your brain uses cues like light to know when to make melatonin! You’ve also likely heard that you should avoid screens and the sun…and that advice is gold. It will help you get that sweet, sweet REM sleep. 

If you haven’t already done so, make your bedroom nice and dark with blackout curtains or by hanging a blanket over top of your curtains. If you feel physically tired and it’s pitch black in your room, your body won’t fight you on falling asleep, no matter what time of day it is. 

It can also help to wear sunglasses on your commute home. Not only will you limit your exposure to the sunrise, but you’ll also look cool. So that’s two helpful tips for the price of one — you’re welcome! Let’s get into a few more tips.

1. Keep a Sleep Schedule  

Set a schedule for sleeping, and keep to it, regardless of whether or not you’re working. Share that schedule with your roommate, partner, or family who will be in the same space as you during the day and designate a quiet area where everyone knows to stay quiet to allow you to sleep without interruptions. Keeping a regular sleep schedule can help your body by avoiding a painful adjustment between the days of the week when you’re working and your days off.

As far as how to transition from day shift to night shift (and vice versa), it’s a process of trial and error to find what works best for you. Maybe you stay up late the night before so you can sleep in and shift your sleep schedule by a few hours beforehand, or maybe you just take an afternoon nap a few hours before your first night shift on the rotation. There’s no one best-solution for shift workers; you know your body best, so do what feels right for you.

2. Create a Sleep Routine

It might sound like strange advice, but don’t go straight to bed when you get home. Allow yourself time to unwind your mind before you actually try to sleep. Instead of heading straight for your bed, take an epsom salt bath, listen to your favourite podcast or some chill music, call your mom for a little chat, and THEN get into bed. A sleep routine will not only help you get a sound sleep, but it’ll help reduce burnout by making it feel less like working + sleeping is all you do. 

It’s so important to take care of yourself and get enough sleep. If your circadian rhythm gets messed up it can lead to all kinds of problems, including a chronic condition called Shift Work Sleep Disorder. It can present similar symptoms as sleep apnea and narcolepsy, so if you’re a night shift worker who has a bad relationship with sleep, talk to your doctor because SWSD is treatable. Somewhere between 10 and 40 percent of shift workers experience SWSD, according to the Cleveland Clinic.

3. Eat Well — and Regularly 

Just like sleep — it’s important to keep your meals on a schedule too. Depending on your shift time, it can vary, but you’re going to want to eat your biggest meal of the day in the evening, a few hours before your shift. That, plus some light snacking on healthy foods during your shift, should keep you sustained. The idea is to avoid eating a big meal at 3 a.m., because your stomach bacteria are sleeping (lucky them!) and consistently eating while your body isn’t expecting it can cause issues like chronic gut issues or increase the risk of type two diabetes. 

Then when you get home, have a light “breakfast” — something like yogurt or fruit. Nothing too big, though, because digestion can affect your ability to get REM sleep. Plus, if you have loved ones who aren’t on the same schedule, sharing a meal together can be a time to bond and get some quality time together before you hit the hay, and they start their day. 

It should go without saying, but if you have a physical or mental health condition like diabetes or you’re recovering from an eating disorder where you need to eat more frequently, DO NOT skip out on that. 

4. Don’t Overindulge on Coffee

For people worried about staying awake on the night shift, the temptation to CHUG coffee (or caffeinated pop/soda) all night long will be there. But like most things, moderation is key. 

You’ll want to avoid drinking more than four cups of coffee in a 24 hour period. And that’s just in general, not specific to night shift workers. The side effects of too much caffeine can include anxiety, insomnia, dehydration, and heart palpitations. Sooooo yeah coffee is pretty great but it’s not always the answer. 

A good alternative is drinking water. Water keeps you hydrated; dehydration can cause things like lethargy and headaches, and those would NOT help you working night shifts. Make your reusable water bottle your new best friend and keep it by your side. And if water starts to get boring, you can try sprucing it up a bit by adding some lemon or mint for a little extra flavour. Or make tea!

Some night shift workers swear by “the coffee nap.” When your break starts, you drink coffee and then try to take a quick 15-minute nap immediately after. That’s about how long it takes for caffeine to start affecting your body, so you’re getting a double-boost of sleep and caffeine in the middle of your shift. Of course, this only works if you have access to a break room couch or something else, and if you have the willpower to actually limit your nap to 15 minutes. 

However, you should avoid drinking coffee too close to bedtime. Experts generally say to avoid caffeine for six hours before you’re going to bed. So plan accordingly, because there’s few things worse than lying in bed, exhausted, but unable to sleep because you just haaad to have that last cuppa coffee. 

5. Keep Moving  

Any kind of stimulation, either through physical activity or a conversation, will keep you alert. Going for a short walk gets the blood flowing and keeps you from getting sleepy. It can also help to talk with your coworkers—either about your job or just chit-chat. 

Also, as tempting as it might be to skip out on physical activity when you’re not at work, doing some kind of movement at least a few times a week has health and mental benefits. We’re not about that toxic fitness culture (body diversity and body acceptance is more our vibe), so we’re talking about moving in a way that makes you happy and excited to come back to that activity whenever you want a little boost! 

While it’s supes unlikely that you’ll feel like doing anything active after work, that’s actually a good thing. Like we said two paragraphs ago, activity wakes you up… so while it’s a good thing to do in the middle of your shift to perk yourself up, it’s not the best idea right before bed. Instead, try going for a walk or doing some other kind of activity when you wake up in the evening, with a big smile on [your] face — oh darn did we start singing All-American Rejects again?? Sorry about that… 

6. Take Care of Your Mental Health 

It can be pretty easy to dwell on the fact that you’re at work in the middle of the freaking night, but don’t forget about the benefits. Depending on what you value in a job, working night shifts can actually be nicer. 

Working during non-peak hours can also sometimes mean a less stressful shift. Night shifts have less public interaction and more of a focus on sustaining momentum and maintaining progress from day-to-day. To be clear, we’re not saying night shifts are easy or diminishing the work in any way. Imagine a world where all the nurses, firefighters, security guards, and air traffic controllers clocked out at 5 p.m.—yikes!! 

Working nights or weekends might not be everyone’s first choice, but that can create a sort of bond between you and your coworkers. You might even start each shift singing “We’re All In this Together” from High School Musical! No? Yeah totally us neither. 

Night shift depression is real. It can feel like you have seasonal depression year-round when you don’t see the sun enough. Whether it’s by talking with loved ones or coworkers, light therapy, antidepressants, or seeing a therapist, don’t neglect your mental health. Remember to take care of yourself — because you’re worth taking care of.