DiveThru Team, Author at DiveThru

How to Identify Signs of Narcissism

You’ve probably heard of narcissism before. A lot of the time, it’s used to describe someone who is full of themselves and cares way too much about their appearance. And those ideas aren’t totally off-base, actually! But as you’re about to see, signs of narcissism will go further than that. The word ‘narcissism’ actually comes from the Greek myth about Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out!

This condition goes a lot deeper than just being obsessed with looks, though. You might have dealt with a coworker, partner, close friend, or family member who shows signs of narcissism without even realizing it! If you do know someone in your life who has some narcissistic traits, chances are your relationship with them is… complicated. But don’t worry, we’ll get into it!

First of all, how do you know what narcissism looks like? Let’s get into what narcissism really is, how to spot it, and ways to deal with a narcissist in your life.

What Does ‘Narcissism’ Mean?

Sooo what is narcissism and what does it look like? No, it’s not just a term to describe someone who thinks they’re the shit… Well, there’s some truth there. Basically, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental condition that shows an inflated sense of importance, lack of empathy for others and a need for excessive attention and admiration. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), people with NPD show five or more of these traits right here:

Lacks empathy
Needs for excessive attention/admiration
Acts entitled to special treatment
Arrogant behaviour/attitude
Inflated sense of self-importance
Exploits others for their own gain
Jealous or believes others should be jealous of them
Fantasizes about unlimited success, power, beauty or ideal love
Believe they’re special and can only be understood by others equally as special

…but wait, there’s more!

Research also distinguishes two types of narcissists, overt and covert:

Overt narcissism: arrogant, aggressive, lacks empathy, exploits others.
Covert narcissism: hypersensitive, defensive, low self-esteem, seeks approval and withdraws socially if it’s not given.

Okay, that was a lot. Now you might be wondering, what exactly causes NPD? Experts aren’t totally sure, but these factors can play a role (along with genetics, biology, you get the picture):

Abuse
Trauma
Excessive praise or pampering
Unreliable or negligent parenting
Extremely high expectations

Treatment for people with NPD can be really tough since narcissists are usually defensive and don’t like to hear criticism (same tbh). This makes it unlikely for them to seek treatment in the first place. It might take some convincing from friends and family before a narcissist decides to get help. If they decide to accept treatment, psychotherapy can be a great option to help adjust their behaviors and improve how they behave in personal relationships.

Righttt, so back to relationships. Because of the behaviors above, people with narcissistic personality disorder usually have troubled relationships with others. Let’s look into the different types of relationships with narcissists and how they affect the people in their lives.

Narcissism in Romantic Relationships

“I never trust a narcissist, but they love me.” – Taylor Swift

Being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist is a recipe for heartbreak. Actually, it’s next to impossible for narcissists to really fall in love and have lasting, healthy relationships. Ouch. But since narcissists lack empathy and are super self-absorbed, they just don’t make ideal partners. What other reasons make them a match made in hell? Ohh, let us count the ways…

At the start, falling for someone with NPD can feel super exciting. It happens so fast, it gives you whiplash. They’ll tell you all of the reasons you’re meant to be. Their attention and displays of affection will make you swooooon. They’ll shower you with compliments. Gifts. Dates. Maybe leave you love notes! You’ll feel like the star of a romance movie.

But news flash: it’s not. The overwhelming gestures are actually a manipulation tactic, and they won’t ever last. It’s called love bombing and it’s how a narcissist gains your trust and controls you. They’ll try to do it fast before you notice any relationship red flags. ‘Cause by the time you do, you’ve already fallen deep, making it 1000x harder to end it.

Another way a narcissist will control you is by making you isolate yourself from friends and family. They’ll guilt trip you for spending time with anyone else instead of giving them alllll of your attention. Maybe they’ll even pit you against other people: “Sarah said she hates how you treat me.” Sarah probably didn’t say that. It’s just another way to mess with your head.

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person means you’re always wrong, and they’re always right. They won’t take responsibility for their actions or admit to any mistakes. And if you stand up to them or don’t play by their rules, look out! They won’t back down easily. There’s a blowup, or you get the silent treatment. Either way it’s gonna end up as an Error: No Healthy Communication Found.

Since narcissists are obsessed with being perfect, they will likely project that on you too. They might make degrading comments about your looks or criticize your smarts. Narcissists are also more likely to cheat, but they will gaslight you into believing it’s your fault: “I cheated because you aren’t fun anymore.” FYI, it is not your fault if someone cheats. But again, a narcissist loves to place the blame on their partners.

Narcissism in Parents

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have a huge impact on your wellbeing and how you cope with challenges in your life. They will compete with their children, marginalize them, and place over the top expectations on them. Basically, kids of a narcissistic parent will always try to measure up but can never live up to their parents standards. Cue low self-esteem and anxiety.

Since narcissists love being admired and the centre of attention, you best believe they want their kids to outshine the rest, too. Stage parents are a prime example of narcissism in parents. Any parent who lives through their child’s success for their own satisfaction will probably not give a shit if their kid expresses how unhappy they are. All the parent cares about is using their child to make themselves look good.

On the flip side, narcissistic parents can act super jealous or feel threatened by their children’s success. Kind of a catch-22, huh? If their child gets more attention or praise than them, the narcissistic parent will go out of their way to criticize or invalidate their child. Like a playground bully, putting their child down makes them feel better about themselves. So messed up, right?

Anddd of course, manipulation. See a pattern here? Yep, manipulation by a narcissistic parent will look like guilt tripping you for not meeting their expectations, comparing you to your siblings or other kids, shaming you into thinking you’re not good enough, and blaming you for things that aren’t your fault. Oh yeah, and don’t forget putting crazy amounts of pressure on you to be perfect! The list goes on and on.

Another sad thing about narcissism in parents is that they use their love towards their kids as a reward. Wait, come again? You read that right. If you upset your narcissistic parent, they withhold their love and attention, causing you to freak out and try to please them so that you get on their good side again. Yikes.

Narcissism at Work

Having a narcissistic co-worker or boss can make coming into work a total nightmare. Just because it’s a professional environment, doesn’t mean their behavior will be any better. Narcissists are competitive and want to be the best, so you can imagine how that looks in the workplace. Let’s spell it out: U-G-L-Y.

A narcissistic boss or co-worker will be super competitive. When they want something, they will sure as hell go after it and don’t care about your feelings. They just want to win. Maybe they’ll give you back-handed compliments to mess with your head. Or they’ll try to exploit your weaknesses once they figure them out. Anything to get ahead and leave you in the dust.

They might spread rumours about you at work to make you look bad. Maybe they put you down in front of your peers in the lunchroom. If a mistake is made, guess whose fault it is? Yours. If they’re pretty ruthless, they can try to ruin your hard work. Worst case scenario, they try to get you demoted or fired.

Dealing with a boss or co-worker who’s a narcissist might give you tons of anxiety and extra stress around your work. It could feel like you’re questioning your abilities and wondering if you’re not cut out for your job anymore. But this is exactly how a narcissist in the workplace wants you to feel. They’re trying to weed out any threats, and you’re a target!

You’re probably thinking: whoa, this is all a tad extreme. Yep, it sure is! But this is what you’re potentially up against when you’re working with a narcissist.

How to Deal with Narcissism When You Come Across It

Dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder is… a lot. How do you handle it if it’s a problem in your life?

1. Recognize the Red Flags

Learning more about narcissistic personality disorder will give you a better idea of what you’re up against. You’ll start to notice the patterns and it’ll help you predict their behaviours and real intentions. They’ll try to charm you and win you over in the beginning, but keep in mind: it’s a facade. It’s harder to manipulate you when you take off the rose-colored glasses!

2. Stand Your Ground

Yeppp, there will be pushback. And don’t expect an apology anytime soon! But when a narcissist is playing games with you or putting you down, they want to make you feel small. Speak up for yourself and draw a line with their behavior.

3. Set Boundaries

Piggy-backing off the last point: you gotta set boundaries with everyone, especially narcissists. Since they are so self-absorbed, they’ll walk all over you if you don’t set clear boundaries about your feelings, time and space. Make sure you follow through when you set those boundaries. If you threaten to stop talking to them because they’re not respecting you, do it. Actually stop talking to them or they won’t take you seriously. And if you need to learn how to set boundaries with friends, we’ve got you covered.

4. Find Your Support Group

Keep those strong and healthy relationships close. You’re gonna need them to have your back when you’re up against a narcissist. It can really take a toll on your wellbeing! They’ll be there for you when you need to vent and talk through an issue with this person. Don’t underestimate the power of a great support group, or a therapist. You’re not alone.

5. Remember This Person Needs Help Too

Getting help for the narcissist in your life is NOT your responsibility. At all. But keeping in mind that someone with narcissistic personality disorder needs professional help will remind you to not take their behavior personally. This doesn’t excuse their actions or how they make you feel, though. You can suggest that they get professional help, but they might not want to. Either way, it is not up to you to fix this person. That is 100 percent their choice.

No matter what, dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is gonna be a challenge. But by knowing the signs and how to handle their behavior, you can avoid a lot of heartache and pain. And remember: you are not responsible for someone else. You gotta take care of yourself.

8 Ways to Overcome ‘Working Parent’ Guilt

Being a working parent can feel like a juggling act, and everyday you’re just trying to keep all your elements from crashing to the ground. You probably wish you could spend more time with your family. Maybe you worry constantly that you’re letting them down. You might feel like you’re missing out on important moments, or you’re not connecting with your kids enough.

Good news! Your kids still love you, no matter what. And chances are, they see how hard you’re working to provide for their needs. And while your feelings of guilt about being a working parent may never fully go away, they are manageable. Here are a few ways to dive thru ‘working parent’ guilt!

1. Check In with Your Feelings

First of all, you’ve got to address how you’re really feeling. When your day-to-day schedule keeps you constantly busy, it’s easy to push away your feelings of guilt and convince yourself that you’ll get to that later, when you have time…

But acknowledging these emotions will be better in the long-run for both your own wellbeing and your family’s. State them out loud to yourself, or try writing it down in a journal:

I feel guilty that I work because…

I worry my kids are upset with me because…

I feel that loving my job makes me a bad parent because…

Putting your thoughts into words will give you some much-needed clarity and allow you to face these emotions head-on.

2. Be Kind to Yourself

Self-compassion is one of those things that sounds easy on paper but then takes a lot of effort to actually develop as a habit. It’s important to remember that above all else, you. are. human. Not just your job title, or label as a parent. Even though you carry a ton of responsibility both in the workplace and at home, you’re doing your damn best!

Don’t fall into the trap of judging and criticizing yourself over every little thing. On days when it feels like you’re the worst parent in the world for being late (againnn) to your child’s parent teacher conference, give yourself a break. If you don’t expect your child to be perfect, why do you put those expectations on yourself? Learn how to practice self-compassion and be kinder to yourself.

3. Stop Comparing

Comparing yourself to other “perfect” parents in your life is a big no-no. Scrolling through social media might have you fooled that every other parent has their shit together, but that’s just not the case. Whether stay-at-home parents, working parents, or a mix of both are flooding your feeds with their smiling kids and fancy bento box lunches, keep in mind that everyone has their struggles. Just because you’re witnessing their highlight reels online, doesn’t mean you’re not measuring up as a parent. You love your family above everything, and that’s what matters – not just how it looks on the ‘gram.

If you need tips on how to stop comparing yourself to others, we’ve got those too.

4. Ask for Help

It’s okay to ask for help! It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help!

Even if it’s hard to admit when you’re struggling, your support systems are there for a reason. Reaching out to friends, family members, neighbours, school program coordinators, and other parents for help does not give you an F in Parenting 101.

Looking to set up a carpool system for your kid’s soccer practice? Just ask! Need someone to fill in for you as a field trip volunteer? Just! Ask! Nobody can do it all – so don’t expect the people in your life to hold it against you. Chances are, they’ll need to lean on you for support at some point, too!

5. Focus on the Positives

When you’re overwhelmed and feel like you’re doing everything wrong, it’s hard to see what’s going right. Maybe you had to miss your kid’s spelling bee because of an important meeting at work, but they ended up getting 1st place. The positive? They’re doing great in school!

Or maybe you had to cover a shift for your sick co-worker and couldn’t help out with the school bake sale, so your child baked cookies at their friend’s house instead. The positive? They still had fun and got to raise money for their class! Even when you miss out on things from time to time, try to identify the positives and you’ll be less likely to focus on what you see as shortcomings. And if you feel like you need to have a good cry? That’s okay too. Crying is part of self care.

6. Remember Your Values

Does it feel like work is getting in the way of you being the best parent you can be? Let’s unpack that.

First, remind yourself what your values and priorities are. This can be a huge help in refocusing where your time is going. Try writing a master list of all of the things you value most as a parent navigating work-life balance. Then, look for ways to achieve those values in your day-to-day schedule.

Maybe you want to prioritize going to more of your kids’ after-school extracurriculars, which means turning down other commitments. Or you value having dinners as a family, which means no phones (including answering work emails) at the table so that everyone can talk without interruptions. Figure out what works best for your and your family – and remember, nobody knows your family better than you.

7. Practice Self-Care

You might think that taking time for yourself is counterproductive to your feelings of guilt. Umm ya if I hardly have time to balance work and looking after my family, when exactly am I supposed to do things just for me?! But the reality is, if you aren’t looking after yourself, it’s gonna be pretty tough to look after anything else in your life.

It might take a little extra planning to fit it in, but practicing self-care is a must if you want to maintain your mental wellbeing. Even if it’s little things like an extra hour of sleep, or treating yourself to your favourite lunch spot – find ways to take care of yourself and recharge.

8. Accept That Your Best Is Enough

Sometimes, things don’t go as planned. You might miss a game here and there, or forget that it was pajama day at school. Guess what? It doesn’t mean your kids are unhappy, or that your family is going to fall apart because of your work schedule. The fact that you love your kids is enough. The fact that you are trying your best is enough. And despite the feelings of guilt or shame you might be facing, you – as a parent – are enough.

We know some moments are harder than others. Any parent who has ever dropped off their children at daycare is familiar with ugly crying – both their own and their kids’. These moments are bound to happen and there’s no escaping the working parent guilt that follows. But as you acknowledge it and dive thru those feelings, it should get a little easier!

10 Things You Can Say Instead of Ghosting Someone

It can be difficult finding the right thing to say to someone after realizing that they might not be “the thing you are looking for.” Whether it was a potential romantic relationship, or a friend that no longer aligns with your values, expressing your feelings about the relationship can be kind of awkward. Alright, it can be suuuuper awkward… which is why ghosting someone can seem like the better option. (psst, it’s not).

Oftentimes, we worry about how we might be perceived by the other person when we express our feelings. Are they going to think I’m an asshole? Do they know that I’m not trying to hurt their feelings? Is there a way to tell them how I feel without making them feel rejected?

These thoughts fester in your mind until you decide to ‘save them’ from the rejection they’d otherwise feel. But ghosting someone doesn’t help them get the closure they need (or you need, for that matter).

Even though ghosting can eliminate the possibility of an awkward conversation, it doesn’t really help us communicate what our true intentions are. With this in mind, we’ve come up with 10 things you can say to the person that you don’t quite imagine yourself in a relationship with, romantic or otherwise.

1. “I don’t feel this going anywhere romantically, but I would love to stay friends.”

This one is for that person you’ve been on a couple dates with, but just don’t feel that spark. You might really enjoy their company and their personality, but you just don’t want to pursue things above a friendship level. This approach is a little gentler than some of the others we suggest, and it leaves the opportunity for a friendship. And we know it sounds cliche but honestly, it beats a total ghosting where you say nothing at all.

2. “Hey, I’m not in a position in my life where I can be in a relationship right now. I’ve realized my commitment is to other things at the moment.”

This is for those who don’t want to explain themselves further. The truth is, you’re busy and you’re focused on your priorities, which at the moment may not include a relationship. Even if all you wanted to do was dip your toes in (thinking that you might test out whether a relationship could be a priority), it’s okay to change your mind. This one is quick, easy and doesn’t require a huge explanation about every single commitment. You’re allowed to prioritize however you want.

3. “I’m going through some personal stuff right now, and I need time to work through it on my own.”

Maybe you’re realizing you’ve got some shit you need to deal with. Maybe you’re just needing some alone time. Or, maybe this is just a turbulent time in your life. This text is perfect for those who are realizing that they might need some time to discover themselves a little more before jumping into a relationship. We think that’s super cool of you! Andddd there are a ton of things to do when you’re single that will help you find some answers!

4. “I’ve actually decided to start seeing someone more seriously so I’m no longer casually dating.”

This is a perfect response to that “wanna hangout again?” text. It’s clear and simple. It closes the door for that person to reach out again and it also indicates that your priorities have changed. You’ve made it clear that you’re no longer available, but it’s more than that. It’s a way to say hey look, I care about where I invest my time and effort.

5. “I had a great time getting to know you last night but I don’t think our values align. I wish you the best.”

This one is for that date that really didn’t go well. Like it went ok, but it wasn’t amazing. For whatever reason, you didn’t connect. Maybe it was because they said they like pineapple on pizza, or maybe it was their offensive tattoo. They just weren’t for you. And that’s ok.

6. “I loved going out with you yesterday, but I have to admit, I didn’t really feel that spark.”

Maybe the date was amazing. Maybe they were great company and you had a great time. Or maybe you appreciate all the time and effort they put into planning such a thoughtful date! But…you didn’t feel that spark that you anticipated. They might have seemed like a great person, they just weren’t for you.

7. “Hey, I really don’t think we have a lot in common and I don’t see this progressing into a romantic relationship.”

It’s important to remember that someone’s dating profile doesn’t tell you what they’re like in real life. Maybe you met them and you had completely different views on things. Or maybe their profile said they loved the mountains and you had a rock climbing adventure in mind while they just wanted a stroll in a wooded area. It happens! Better to be honest about it and move on!

8. “I’m actually looking for someone who follows a similar lifestyle to me.”

Maybe you’re the type that would rather curl up with a good book and a cup of tea than go out to the bar, while your date just loves to party every weekend. Or have you ever dated a marathon runner? If that’s too ambitious for your Sunday morning, just be straight up about it. This text is perfect for realizing that your lifestyles might not be a great fit.

9. “I thought I was ready to date again, but I’m not.”

This one is for the people who are starting to date again after being in a relationship. Dating can be hard, especially coming out of a breakup. It’s more than okay to take time to yourself and realize that you aren’t ready to get back in the dating game…yet. Wanna learn how to practice self-compassion before jumping back in? Totally cool. Focus on yourself. Take your time.

10. “I’ve been recruited by a secret agency across the world to help build luxury houses for pandas.”

Okay, maybe this one won’t work as well as the others, but it might help you with a quick escapé after a bad date, or an encounter that did not go well at all. Leave them with a laugh and make a graceful exit.

Dating can be hard. Being open to new situations and meeting new people takes a tremendous amount of courage so you might as well borrow Gal Gadot’s cape. She’s happily married so she doesn’t need it atm anyways.

In all seriousness, have fun and don’t forget to communicate your intentions with other people. Xoxo, DiveThru

8 Tips on How to Deal with a Toxic Friend

Ahhh yes, the toxic friend. The one who makes you feel like hanging out with them is a chore. Drama is flying left, right and centre and is always holding you down…”omg did I tell you about Alicia??” No, and ffs you don’t need to. Do you have a friend who tries to control you and manipulate your time, your energy, your hobbies, your other friends, your everything else? Yeah, that really sucks and it crosses some important boundaries. And the hard part is that your friend probably has a lot of great qualities that you love about them. But just because you have things in common and tons of history, doesn’t make their toxic behaviour okay. Unfortunately, this means you need to learn how to deal with a toxic friend. Fortunately, this means you get to hang out with us for 6 minutes while you read this.

How to Deal with a Toxic Friend

If it feels like they’ve been given 13258 chances to turn things around, you’re probably stuck in a vicious cycle. You’ve set clear boundaries with them and explained how their behavior makes you feel. You’ve forgiven them over and over, even if they don’t deserve it. You’ve tried to save the friendship so many ways, but they aren’t putting in the same effort. And even though you really care for them, deep down you know things are just not. gonna. change. Let’s dive into what you should do when it’s time to finally let go.

1. Remember It’s Okay to Move On

If it seems like having them in your life is doing more harm than good, it’s probably time to say goodbye. Nobody wants to say goodbye to their BFF – the second F does stand for FOREVER, after all. But even though this is one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do, it’s okay to part ways. Choosing your own happiness is never something you should feel guilty about. And as much as it really fucking hurts to leave a friendship behind, you deserve better. Your wellbeing should = priority #1.

2. Make Your Decision Clear

Now that you’ve made the decision to end a toxic friendship, it’s time to follow through. Look, confrontation sucks. It’s uncomfortable and scary, especially when you’re not sure how your friend will react. Chances are, it’s gonna be a pretty heavy conversation. But in order to move on, you’re gonna need to be honest. Explain how you’ve made this decision and why ending this friendship is what’s best for you. Be as clear as possible: “This friendship isn’t healthy and I need to do what’s best for me. Please don’t contact me anymore.” You don’t need to be mean, so avoid name-calling or accusations that could lead to a blow up. Remember: this isn’t a fight. You’re aiming for a level-headed, short conversation.

How you choose to have this talk is totally up to you. If you feel safe, in person is probably best. Try practicing what you want to say before you meet. But if you feel safer doing it over the phone or text, that’s okay. Conversations over text can be tricky so again: be blunt but fair. A brief message that explains your choice and asking to end contact is enough.

If the toxic friendship has been going on for a while, your friend might struggle a bit with accepting your decision. They might try to guilt trip you or ask for another chance. You have to choose if it is worth giving them another shot. But if you’ve been down that road a few times before, you have to make it very clear that this is the end.

Which brings us to the next tip…

3. Limit Contact

In order to really move on, you gotta limit all contact with this friend. Even if your words were clear, your actions have to be clearer. Don’t answer their texts or calls. Unfollow them on social media. There’s no reason to keep any form of communication open or ways for them to infiltrate your life again. You might be worried of seeming petty but keep in mind: you’re cutting them out for a reason. And if worse comes to worst, you know where the ‘block’ button is.

4. Lean on Your Support Team

If you’ve been dealing with a toxic friendship, chances are the other people in your life know all about it. Maybe they saw the red flags even before you did! Ending a friendship is the worst, and you’re gonna need all of the support you can to get through it. Reach out to the people in your life who you can really trust. You’ll feel less alone during this tough time.

If your toxic friend runs in some of the same circles, make it clear to your other friends that you’ve ended contact with them. Don’t forget about those personal boundaries! Explain what you need from your friends to move forward. Maybe you ask that they don’t share any news about your now ex-friend with you, and vice versa. Remind them that you don’t want to show up to events where the ex-friend will be. If they want what’s best for you, they’ll respect your wishes.

5. Let Go of Bad Feelings

Saying goodbye to a toxic friendship also means letting go of all the pent up anger, frustration, resentment and overall shitty emotions you’ve been dealing with over time. And even if you’re hoping for some kind of apology from your now ex-friend, you have to learn to be okay without hearing one. Sometimes, we have to make the closure we need.

6. Give Yourself Time to Grieve

Let’s be real, friendship breakups aren’t any easier than romantic ones. Sometimes they’re even worse. So give yourself time to process. Even if it was the right choice for your mental wellbeing, you’re still dealing with a huge loss. It’s okay to remember all of the good times you had together. The friendship meant something to you. But take it easy – you will get through this!

7. Find Healthy Ways to Fill the Void

Toxic friendships can take up a LOT of your time and energy. Now that it’s over, maybe you have some extra space in your life for something new! This can be a fresh start and a chance to make time for yourself. It’s also the perfect time to meet positive people and develop better, healthier relationships that won’t drag you down. So get out there! You deserve to be happy.

8. Reflect on the Lessons

Even though this experience fucking sucks, it came with important lessons. Moving forward, ask yourself: What am I looking for in a friend? What does a healthy friendship mean to me? Maybe you also learned more about your personal boundaries or how to set boundaries with friends. Or how to recognize behaviours that are totally not okay, ever.

We know making the decision to let go of your toxic friend wasn’t easy. It’s as shitty, if not worse, than a breakup. It won’t be easy but years from now (maybe even months from now) you’ll look back on your decision and be proud that you took care of your wellbeing. Allllllllll of these lessons will help guide you in future friendships – and you’ll be able to recognize the good ones!

Working From Home Essentials: The Mental Health Edition

We keep hearing the phrase, “unprecedented times,” over and over… AND OVER AND OVER! But, it’s accurate. Who could’ve predicted that a majority of people would be working and learning remotely in 2020? And did anyone have time to grab their ‘working from home essentials’ kit? Was mental health considered for the kit?

We’re all inside our homes trying to keep as safe as we can so that we don’t have to accidentally contract COVID-19 from one of our friends or colleagues. So, our homes and apartments have now become our offices. If you have pets, I’m sure they’re probably loooooving that you’re home 24/7 (that means they get scritches 24/7), but you might not be loving it as much as they are.

We’re now 7 months into this pandemic, so you’ve probably read every article out there on working from home and how to make the whole thing easier. But we’re not here to add to the mountain of information. Let’s talk about how working from home can affect your mental health instead!

We’re Working in Isolation

For many of us, our places of work are the environments where we have the majority of our social interaction. Workplace colleagues become best friends as the lines of professionalism start to disappear. It can make work SO MUCH FUN because it just feels like you’re hanging out with your friends all day.

Working from home can take this social element away from us. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t really have a choice if we have to work remotely (thanks COVID) and it can really impact our mental health.

If you’re an introvert, this might be your dream come true! But if you loooove being surrounded by people and collaborating, working from home can be more difficult for you to adjust to.

Without going into an office every day, you can start to feel pretty isolated and view work as a lonely experience. This can really begin to affect your mental health, so make sure that you are continuing to connect with people however you can. This can mean Zoom hangouts with friends, backyard fires (six feet apart obviously), or phone calls to catch up with your family.

Feeling connected to others used to take no effort at all! It was super easy to roll your chair over to someone’s desk and have a chat. But now, to avoid feelings of isolation, we have to put in a little extra work to keep our social side satiated (oooh that was some nice alliteration).

So, stay connected! You’ve probably been doing this already, but we’re just here to give you a little reminder that connecting with people really matters and is SO IMPORTANT to maintain your mental health while working from home.

We See Burnout Looming Around the Corner

When you work from home, it can feel like you’re expected to work ALL. THE. TIME. When you aren’t in an office, you don’t have to abide by designated lunch hours or break times because you can take them whenever you feel like.

Taking time off to have lunch in your own home can feel like you’re slacking or dropping the ball. So, lunch breaks become eating lunch at your desk, and the mandatory 15-minute breaks no longer exist.

We can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to appear productive and that we can be trusted enough to work without supervision.

This constant state of productivity can lead to excessive stress, and ultimately burnout. What’s burnout, you ask? It’s when you are emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. It’s when you reach that point where you’re so uninterested in your job that you can’t even write a simple follow-up email. You feel like a raisin that’s had all the life sucked out of it. We don’t want this to happen to you. You should be a hydrated grape!

You can avoid burnout by doing a really simple thing. TAKE YOUR DAMN BREAKS! You are not a machine that is created to be on constant alert for 8 or more hours a day. This weariness from all the tasks you try to complete will catch up with you. Take the time to care for yourself, to unwind, to unload all those busy thoughts onto a piece of paper. Go for a walk without your phone, watch that shitty Netflix show, and most importantly, try not to feel guilty about doing it.\

You’re also allowed to take a mental health day if you’re beginning to feel like you need one. There is nothing wrong with taking some time to help yourself relax.

Preserving your mental health is so important! You still need to take care of it even if you’re working at home.

You’re Stressing to “Appear” Busy

When working from home, some people can start to feel a bit guilty. Why? Because you want to prove that you’re doing your job and that you’re doing it well!

Your home is usually a place of respite and relaxation, and combining this sense of calm with work can sometimes exacerbate this feeling of guilt. Imposter syndrome might even start to creep in and make you feel like you have to work relentlessly in order to be worthy of keeping your position.

But take a breath and realize that you’re the only one putting this extra pressure on yourself. You’re doing great work regardless of where you are located. Trust us!

Our Own (Tried + Tested) Tips for You

If you’re reading this and wondering how to look after your mental health while working at home, don’t worry! We’ve got you covered. Here are some ways that you can make sure you’re looking after your mental wellbeing:

1. Keep a Consistent (Not Constant) Schedule

Have clearly defined work hours. Yes, you’re working from home, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be working from home literally all the time! Silence your phone after 5:30 pm or turn off notifications. Don’t check your emails after dinner. Your work hours should be for work, and after those hours are up, you can live your life.

Even though you’re living where you work, you still need to maintain a work-life balance.

2. Establish a Workspace and Personalize It

When you went to work, you probably drove, took transit, or biked to the office. This travel time told your brain and body that you were no longer at your house and that you were headed to work.

Try to create this feeling again by having a dedicated workspace and trick your mind into thinking it’s at the office. If you set up this space and mentally prepare yourself to work, your mind will begin to adjust to “work mode” when you sit down at your desk. If you’re working in your bed, you’re definitelyyyy going to want to take a nap.

Set up a space that is for working and for working only. Make it super inviting if you can! Decorate it however you want because, after all, it’s your office and it’s in your home.

3. Make Your Self Care a Priority

It can be hard trying to make sure that you’re looking after yourself when you work from home. Rolling out of bed at 8:55 am to get online for 9:00 am can be sooo tempting. Some people might do this and end up forgetting to take care of themselves, even in small ways. It’s easy to put self care aside when you get caught up in work, forget to shower some days, and not take proper breaks throughout the day.

But you HAVE to start taking care of yourself. Even a shower in the morning can make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself and about your work. Make sure that you’re still eating well, taking breaks, and being kind to yourself. Listen to your body throughout the day and see what it needs. Do you need to take a break? Do it! How about a walk around the block? Even do a little bit of yoga to stretch things out.

Transitioning to working from home can be a difficult change to get used to, but you have to remember that your wellbeing matters too! Don’t put yourself on the back burner. You can’t stop caring for yourself even if you’re in your own home.

Remember, working can be important, but your mental health matters just as much!

8 Ways Students Can Deal with Burnout Signs

Picture this… finals are approaching, the semester is almost (finally) over, and soon you’ll be on a much-needed break. Ahhhhh how heckin therapeutic is that to think about! But there’s a catch: you’re struggling and you’ve got major burnout signs and you don’t even know how you’re gonna make it through the next 2 weeks.

It’s not just you. Student burnout is a common response to constant stress over time, probably thanks to a never-ending list of deadlines, group projects, essays and exams. And on top of all of that, you might also have a job, clubs, sports and other activities that keep you super busy. Not to mention – oh yeah – a personal life. It’s a balancing act and seriously, it can be sooo hard!

The terms ‘burnout’ and ‘stress’ are usually used interchangeably, but they’re not exactly the same thing. Burnout is actually caused by stress and makes you feel unmotivated, detached and cynical. Maybe you’re also having a hard time focusing and being productive. Forgetting things that are normally NBD (wait – did I leave my wallet at home again?!) can also be a sign. You could be feeling super irritable lately and like the smallest things are getting on your nerves (roommate forgot to replenish the tp = RAGE). Sound familiar?

But there are ways to deal with burnout, even if it feels like it’s impossible. Try these tips and before you know it, you’ll be back on track! And if you need to explore our ultimate guide to mental health for college students, here it is friends.

1. Get Enough Sleep

In case you needed a reminder: sleep. Your mind and body can’t function without enough rest. Easier said than done, right? You’re probably thinking: How can I even think about sleep when there’s so much to do and so little time and oh shit that’s due tomorrow??? Pause. Those assignments aren’t going anywhere, and neither are you if you don’t chill. the fuck. out.

Take a warm bath. Light some candles. Enjoy a cup of (decaf*) tea. Throw some clean sheets on your bed straight from the dryer. Do whatever helps you unwind and drift into a restful sleep. Figure out how to sleep better at night, and you’ll thank yourself later!

2. Talk It Out

Feeling totally overwhelmed? You’re not the only one! No, seriously, reach out to any friends that are fellow college students. It fucking sucks going through this alone and if you’re noticing burnout signs, chance are they’re dealing with the same shit. Talk to people you trust about what you’re going through. Opening up about your feelings will make you feel less alone and let out all of that anxiety you’ve been keeping inside.

3. Learn to Say No

The idea of letting people down sucks, but remember that it’s okay to say no to any additional tasks or responsibilities. If something is gonna overflow your schedule and make you more stressed, it’s just not worth it! When your boss asks you to take an extra shift but you have an exam the next morning, it’s okay to say no. Especially if they pull out the whole “K I guess we’ll have to survive without an extra person on the floor.” Or when your school club asks you to plan the next meeting but you’re drowning in assignments, again – it’s okay to say no! (and if you need to learn how to say no without feeling guilty, we’ve got the perfect read for you)

4. Ask for Extensions (Ahead of Time)

As a student, time management is super important. But if you see a conflict in your schedule (aka 3 midterms in one day and a paper due the next), talk to your profs. See if any accommodations can be made! And if you communicate with your professors ahead of time, your chances will literally double. They’re people too (which students often forget) and the last thing they want is to look at your handsome mug and see burnout signs. If you notice tons of overlap in your academic calendar, see if you can work it out with your instructors. Just do it sooner than later!!

5. Make Time for Yourself

It’s easy to get so caught up in the #studentlife that you forget you still have other interests. Make time for study breaks to watch your favourite show or go for a run – whatever you enjoy doing in your downtime! That 3000-word essay will come along much easier once you’ve cleared your head.

6. Cancel Your Plans, It’s Okay

If you don’t have enough time to do everything, it means there’s waaay too much on your plate. Having a social life and seeing your friends is important, but so is your wellbeing. And if going to that meet-up is gonna set you back and stress you out even more, it’s not worth it. Your friends have probably been there and will totally understand. Make plans to get together once you’ve handed in that big assignment or aced that exam – you deserve to celebrate!

7. Set Realistic Goals

By now, you probably already know how to set goals so we’ll leave you with this piece of advice instead. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. Don’t try to cram in everything at once – it’ll only set you up to fail and you’ll feel even worse! Be realistic when it comes to setting goals for yourself. And it doesn’t hurt to plan ahead! If you know what your limits are and what you can manage, you’ll be on the right track.

8. Remember Why You’re Here

When you’re in overdrive, it’s easy to lose sight of why you’re here in the first place. You have goals. Dreams. Ambitions. And maybe most importantly: passion. Remember that word? The thing that made you choose to pursue an education so that you can do what you love for a living/become an expert in your field/just because you wanted to learn more??? It’s still there. Right now, it’s just buried under 8 cups of coffee and -2 hours of sleep.

Take a moment to look at the bigger picture. Why is it that you’re working so hard to finish that one essay? What is it that pushes you to study for every single little quiz? What do you aspire to think and do and feel when you’ve completed your degree? Hold on to that feeling.

Igniting that fire again will remind you that all of your hard work is not for nothing. We don’t want you to ignore your burnout signs and just push through anything and everything…that’s notttt healthy. We’re not here to support the grind culture. But we are hoping that these 8 suggestions will help you manage your list of 8,968 things to do before you get to that burnout stage!

How to Set Boundaries with Friends

Setting boundaries can sound like a scary concept, especially when it comes to your family, friends and partners. Do you just tell them no? Do you write out a paragraph-long text?? Yell out your boundaries on Facebook in ALL CAPSSS?? We’ll get to that, but first, let’s start with a definition. Natalie Asayag (our in-house mental health professional here at DiveThru) says “a boundary is a clear line or limit you draw with those in your life to maintain healthy relationships with the intent that you don’t feel overextended or taken advantage of.” It’s a valuable practice to protect your peace and respect yourself. Let’s get to it and teach you how to set boundaries with friends!

While it can be challenging to set healthy boundaries, it does get easier to recognize them once you get the hang of it. Think of a situation you’ve been in with a friend that really bothered you. Maybe they keep coming to you for relationship advice that they never actually take. They might borrow your stuff and give it back in less-than-ideal condition (ummm, that stain wasn’t there before…). Or maybe they’re guilty of constantly flaking on your plans last-minute. Sound familiar?

No matter what type of boundary-crossing you’re dealing with, it’s never too late to set boundaries with friends. Just because you haven’t put them in place yet, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be heard and R-E-S-P-E-C-T-ed!

Types of Boundaries

One of the ways you can build healthy, strong friendships that last is through setting boundaries! Without them in place, we can feel disrespected, uncomfortable or violated by our friends. If these feelings are pushed aside, eventually they’ll build up resentment and lead to blow-ups, fights, or even the end of the friendship altogether. Hmm, not ideal.

According to PsychCentral, 5 different types exist! Will you get tested on these? No. Will we ask your mom if you’ve been practicing these on your own time? Also no.

But knowing the different types of boundaries is super important. It will help you navigate your feelings in different scenarios and how you can address things that make you go yikes please don’t ever do that again. Let’s get into it!

1. Physical Boundaries

These boundaries are your comfort level with touch and personal space. When physical boundaries aren’t respected, you might feel uncomfortable or violated. Like when you’re picking up red peppers at the grocery store and someone reaches right beside your head to grab the zucchini they needed…no, sir.

Always speak up about your physical boundaries, even if it’s a teensy bit awk. Never feel like you have to set them aside to avoid potentially hurting someone’s feelings. If it’s a friend who gets too close or boldly breaks your personal bubble, you’ve gotta have a convo with them. Physical needs like sleeping, eating, and drinking water (super important, obvs) are also part of physical boundaries.

We went ahead and brainstormed some examples to help you better visualize physical boundaries. Feel free to use these! We won’t get mad.

“I appreciate the sentiment but I’m really not a hugger.”

“Thanks for the invite, but I’m actually pretty tired. I’ll come out with you guys next time.”

“My room is my private space. Please don’t come in without asking.”

“I’m super hungry. I’m gonna grab a bite to eat before we hang out.”

“Could you not touch my arm like that? I don’t like it.”

2. Emotional Boundaries

Setting emotional boundaries with friends can be tough. Part of being a friend means being there for each other, right? Trueee. But it’s also okay to admit when you’re not in the right headspace to be there for someone else. You’re not helping anyone if you’ve got nothing in your tank. Emotional boundaries are also about recognizing emotional needs and validating feelings. Not only that, but emotional boundaries are also about communication. If your feelings are being put down or ignored altogether — not cool.

Here we go again, with some examples to help our bbfs out. That’s you, you’re the bff.

“My date was the worst! Are you okay with hearing about it right now?”

“This isn’t a great time for me to talk.”

“It really sucks when I share things with you and my feelings are criticized or judged.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, I’m not in a good place to be there for you right now. Could we talk about it later?”

“I don’t really feel comfortable talking about this topic. Can we change the subject?”

3. Material Boundaries

This one is probably a little more obvious. Material boundaries include the possessions you have, how you share them and how you want them to be treated. They can be violated if someone loses or wrecks your stuff. If you’ve got friends who just expect that you’ll say yes when they ask to borrow your things, we feel for you. It feels almost like you’re being taken advantage of, which you are. Lending money is another situation that can turn suuuuper awk if a friend doesn’t respect the boundaries you’ve put in place, like when you expect to be paid back. We tend to easily dismiss these boundaries, especially if your personality is non-confrontational. Be firm in the material boundaries you ask of your friends.

Here are 5 ways to do that!

“Sure, you can borrow my boots! But I need them back by Friday.”

“I can’t lend you any money. But is there another way I can help you out?”

“Actually, I don’t let people drive my car. It’s just a rule I have.”

“I know you want to try a sip, but I don’t share my drinks.”

“If you wear my jumpsuit to that wedding, please wash it before you give it back.”

4. Intellectual Boundaries

Don’t worry, it’s not as deep as it sounds. Intellectual boundaries means respecting your thoughts and ideas without them being dismissed or shut down. It’s okay to disagree with friends or have different opinions! But if a conversation is taking a turn for the worst and could potentially hurt feelings, it’s okay to shut it down. You get to choose where to draw a line.

If your intellectual boundaries get crossed, you can always whip out one of these statements.

“I get what you’re saying. I think we just have different opinions on this.”

“We can talk about this more later, if you want? I don’t think a friend’s birthday party is the best time or place for this conversation.”

“We don’t seem to be agreeing on this, maybe it’s best for us to just drop it.”

“It’s okay for you to disagree with me, but it’s not okay to put me down.”

“This type of discussion never seems to work between us. Let’s avoid this topic and move on.”

5. Time Boundaries

Time boundaries can really put strain on a friendship if both sides aren’t on the same page. Violating your time boundaries might include your friend constantly showing up late to your plans. Do they tend to cancel literally an hour before you’re supposed to meet? Not cool. Do they get mad when you tell them you’re busy? Also not cool. Your time is valuable and it’s a good idea to make sure your friends understand that too if you want to maintain a healthy friendship!

So how do you set time boundaries with your friends? Like this!

“I can come, but only for an hour.”

“Actually, I’ve already made plans. Does another day work for you?”

“I don’t have time to talk right now. How about this time instead?”

“It looks like I can’t today, but I really want to help. Can we figure something out?”

“Things have been so busy lately, I need to have some me-time. But I’ll let you know when I’m feeling back on track?”

We know that setting boundaries can feel awkward or scary. As you’re thinking about them now, you might even be worried that your friends will feel bad or lash out at you. The last thing you want is to have to work through a fight with your friend. But here’s the thing…you can’t control how they react — that’s up to them. All you can control is your actions and you deserve to be respected in every single relationship you have. So go ahead. Ask for your boundaries. We’ll be here, regardless of the outcome.

6 Serious Relationship Red Flags and How to Spot Them

Have you ever played the game Red Flags? If you haven’t, here’s the rundown. It’s when players pull random cards that have two positive qualities about a fictional person, and then pull a card that’s a “red flag.” One of the players in the group then has to decide who they’ll pick to go on a date with based on these cards. For example, someone can choose to date a guy who is a doctor, loves dogs, buuuuuut only wears a diaper around the house. This game is meant to be hilarious and funny for friends to play with each other, but recognizing relationship red flags in real life can be a bit harder to do.

Red flags can pop up in any kind of relationship! It doesn’t matter if this relationship is with your parents, your romantic partner, your friend, your sibling – it doesn’t matter. Regardless of how someone is attached to you, these red flags should make you take a step back and evaluate if it’s a healthy relationship that you want to move forward with.

Here are some relationship red flags to look out for that aren’t part of a fun card game.

1. Love Bombing

At first, this term sounds awesome! Who wouldn’t want to be loved? Wellllll, unfortunately, it’s not as fun as it sounds.

Love bombing is when a person gives you tons of gifts, texts and calls you all the time, constantly tells you how wonderful you are, and rushes into REALLY intense emotions REALLY quickly.

Eventually, they’ll want your undivided attention, disrespect your boundaries, and can become extremely needy.

You’ll know the difference between love bombing and regular, healthy unconditional love because you can feel it in your gut. There is just something… off about it that makes you uncomfortable with how they’re expressing their intense affection.

2. Chronic Anger

This isn’t the kind of anger because someone has had a bad day. And it’s not due to depression or anxiety, either. This is when the person in your life is alwayssss angry. They can use this anger as a way to control their surroundings, and this includes the people around them.

If someone is always angry, you’ll inevitably end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells and you’re constantly tiptoeing around them and their feelings.

This isn’t healthy! You should be able to exist and speak in a way where you feel safe and free to express yourself. No one should ever be angry at you for doing normal things. And you should never feel afraid of your partner.

3. Disparaging Humor

This is when the toxic person in your life belittles you in a joking way. It’s pretty much just a disguise for anger and ridicule in the form of a joke.

Yeah, sometimes we can joke with our friends at their expense, but everyone is in on the joke and laughs about it at the end of the day. But this is different. It feeeeels different. It doesn’t feel like a joke and it comes across as just… mean.

Your partner shouldn’t make you feel like crap. They should be on your side and build you up. They shouldn’t be the one to tear you down.

4. Insincere (or No) Apology

Even though you might be hurt by something this person has said or done to you, they won’t apologize. They might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but that’s not an apology.

Taking ownership for their actions or words would be an apology, but a statement like this puts the onus back on you. They’re basically saying that it’s your problem that you feel the way that you do because of their actions. In their minds, they didn’t do anything wrong and you’re the one with the problem if they made you feel bad.

5. Isolation From Friends & Family

Every relationship starts out with the deep desire to spend every single minute with your partner! This is totally normal because it’s new, it’s exciting, and you’re discovering all these incredible things about this other person. But as the relationship evolves both parties should start being more independent of the other and start enjoying the people and things that they used to.

Isolation starts to creep into the situation when the person you’re in the relationship with starts pulling you and keeping you away from other friends and family. They don’t want you to have access to your support system, and they want to keep you all to themselves. They might put down your friends, or complain about how much they dislike your family. They can even say things like, “Your family hates me and doesn’t want us to be together! Don’t they see that I love you more than anyone?”

Isolation is about creating feelings of doubt when it comes to your relationships with everyone you knew before you were in a relationship with this toxic person.

A healthy relationship doesn’t look like this. Two people can love spending their free time together, but also have independence from the other person. They’re free to see their friends and family whenever they want, and the other person can too. It should be a two-way street of trust and respect.

6. Manipulation

People who are really toxic can make you feel a lot of guilt and they use your emotions as a weapon against you. They can do this in a number of ways, and they always make you feel like absolute crap.

“If you really care about me, then …”

“I can’t believe you’d do this. Don’t you love me?”

They also often only see their opinion as the correct one and can frequently convince you to change your mind to match theirs.

They’re jealous to the point of anger, and follow you online and in-person as much as they can.

Manipulation is all about control. If your partner starts to control and manipulate everything you do from how you socialize with others, to what you wear, to guilting you about the little things, they’re not expressing a healthy version of love. These types of ‘controlling’ relationship red flags are really unsettling when you experience them.

What Can You Do About It?

If you can, take a break from interacting with this person. See how you feel when you’re not in contact with them. Do you feel safer? Happier? Take this time to reflect on what bugs you about this relationship. Sit with these feelings and allow yourself to come to a conclusion about your relationship with this person.

Taking the time to emotionally distance yourself from someone can also help in situations like these. You don’t need to cut off contact completely (that might be hard to do in almost any situation), but protect your emotions. Pull back emotionally ever so slightly so that you don’t internalize what your partner says about you or your loved ones. Don’t let their opinions define you.

Sometimes, these red flags in a relationship can become scary or even dangerous. In certain situations, sexual assault and all the different ways it shows up can be really hard to recognize – especially if you’ve been dating your partner for a long time. It’s best to seek out professional advice to help you with next steps and help you decide how to move forward in your relationship. Reach out to a therapist, or call one of the helplines below.

Emergency Information and Resources

Canada

Ending Violence Association of Canada

America

The Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

Remember, you are worthy of love and respect. No one should make you feel any different. We love you!

15 Things Only People with Anxiety Will Understand

If you have anxiety, you might have quirks or habits that you think are a bit unique or strange. Well, we’re here to tell you that you probably can relate to some of the things in this article. You can have a bit of comfort knowing that not the only one who does them!

1. Biting Your Cheek

Some of you might be reading this WHILE you’re biting your cheek. Lol. Surprise! Many people who constantly bite the inside of their cheek actually might be doing it because of their anxiety. Who knew?

2. Watching the Same Show Over and Over

Did you know that people who watch the same show over and over usually have anxiety? We do this because we find comfort in knowing how things are going to turn out. So, if your friends bug you about bingeing The Office for the 37th time, now you can tell them to “shove it up their butts” because watching it helps your anxiety!

3. Practicing Your Order Before the Waiter Comes Over

This. Is. So. Stressful. The absolute WORST is when you don’t know how to pronounce something. Or if you walk into a Starbucks hoping that there will be a line so that you can take your time to decide what you want to order, BUT THERE’S NOT and you have to order IMMEDIATELY! *Panic*

4. Group Projects

Do… do we even have to explain this one? Group projects are stressful enough as it is, but when you add anxiety into the mix, there are a million more worries that pop up when you’re working with other people. Are they going to pull their weight? Are they going to do things well? We should probably just do it ourselves… But then it wouldn’t be a group project and they might get mad at you… Or would they appreciate the help? Ugh! There are too many things to consider.

5. “Hey, can we talk later?”

Ummm… NO! We can talk right now so that I don’t spend the whole day thinking about every possible scenario that you might want to talk to me about. Yes, it might be a conversation about something good, but my anxiety definitelyyyy doesn’t see it that way. So, the answer is yes, but also no.

6. Unread Texts And Emails

Ignoring texts and emails could be considered a superpower for people who have anxiety. Most people wouldn’t have much of a reaction if they receive a text (or a few texts in a row). They would just answer them and reply without much thought. But for people with anxiety, we avoid those texts like the fucking plague!

7. Having to Call… Anyone

Phone calls? No way, man. If I never have to make another phone call again, I could live a VERY happy life.

8. When Someone Calls You

These are gonna have to be a no for us, dawg. We would say call again later, but we still probably won’t pick up.

9. “What medications are you on?”

When you talk to another person who has anxiety, one immediate way of bonding is asking what meds they’re on. The best feeling is when you’re on the same meds! You immediately become best friends!

10. Only Knowing One Person at a Party

This is our worst nightmare… Like, our literallll worst nightmare! We don’t just have anxiety around going to a party, it’s the fact that there will be people we don’t know that we will have to try and make small talk with. Noooo thank you!

11. Thinking That Everyone Hates You

It doesn’t matter how much you can be reassured that nobody hates you. People with anxiety will never believe you. Lies! It’s all lies! We know you’re right, but it’s LIES!

12. Being an Overachiever

We like to make sure that we are doing a good job at literally everything. This way we can prevent anything bad that might happen from NOT overachieving. Washing the dishes? There will never be a cleaner plate on the planet if we have anything to say about it! Therapy? We’re going to make sure that we graduate therapy with honours (if that was even a thing). Whatever it is, we’re probably making sure that we’re the best at it.

13. Jumping to Conclusions

Did someone phrase something slightly weird? Maybe they looked at you with a different expression on their face. Well, if there’s a conclusion, we’re going to jump to it!

14. Being Too Comfortable with Your Therapist

The more you see your therapist, the more comfortable you become with them. At first, you start out being honest, but not really being your full self. A few months later, you’re showing up to your therapist’s office in sweatpants and eating a bag of Cheetos as you slump into the chair and greet your them with a “Heyyyy! So, let’s get right into it. You wanna know how my week has been? Buckle up.”

15. Getting Over One Worry, Then Finding New Things to Worry About

It’s a never-ending cycle of quelling one worry and then discovering another. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole with anxieties. One after the other, after the other, after the other… If you have anxiety, you totally know this feeling because it never ends.

Having anxiety is like being part of your own fun (and sometimes not so fun) little mental health club! Millennials and Gen Z-ers are super open about their anxiety compared to past generations, so it’s easy (and kind of fun) to find people like us.

But we know that anxiety can be really fucking hard to deal with sometimes, so don’t forget to take care of yourself! Ya, you might need to have a good cry about some shit, but taking care of yourself is so important. Maybe you and your friends from your new-found anxiety club can have a little self care party or even cry together! Do what you gotta do. We won’t judge!

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

There are two small words that we use to guide our actions every single day. Yes and no. In this article, we’ll teach you how to say no without feeling guilty…and that’s the really hard part.

Yes has been acknowledged as an opportunity-inducing, people-engaging, relationship-building, risk-taking, open-minded kind of word.

It’s linked to adventure and adrenaline-fuelled escapades because life is short so let’s carpe the heck out of this diem. Yes makes you wanna belt out “I CAN DO IT, PUT ME IN COACH.”

Yes has been so well covered that we are all very familiar with the contexts and sub-contexts of the word. We love the ambition yes draws out from us and we love the empowering mindset that comes with it.

But its antonym, no, is equally as powerful. In fact, we’re going to argue it’s so powerful that it’s actually really hard to master.

If you don’t have trouble saying no, then maybe this post isn’t for you. But if you’ve ever struggled to speak out that one tiny little baby syllable, stick around and give this a read.

Oprah said it best: No is a complete sentence.

Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

You see, our bodies and brains are so incredible at protecting us. No is hard to say because no is hard to hear.

This way of thinking has a name in the world of psychology and it’s called negativity bias. What it refers to is this reaction we have to negative experiences, where the feeling is deeper and stronger than the reaction we have to positive events.

Negativity bias is the reason why embarrassing events, negative experiences, or hurtful insults get amplified and endure for so long.

So when we have to say no to others, we anticipate it’s going to hurt them. And since most of us want to be liked by our peers, we get the squeamish uneasy feeling that pushes us towards the yes instead of the no.

Oh, and guilt. Guilt also usually tags along with the squeamish uneasy feeling. Yay.

Why Is It Important to Say No?

Whether we say yes to avoid conflict or because we’ve been moulded into being people-pleasers over the years, the truth is that it takes a toll on our mental health. When people don’t respect our boundaries or continue to take advantage of our good nature, we can feel hurt and disrespected by their actions.

So, it’s a really simple answer, honestly. Saying no to commitments, requests, or conversations that you don’t want to be a part of will set boundaries that keep you from getting drained and/or burning yourself out. That applies to work, friends, family, relationships, you name it.

The same little word helps you set your internal boundaries as well. We call this “self-discipline” and it’s the no we tell ourselves.

And if we’re being honest (which we always are) …we all struggle with no in different ways. Whether it’s a relationship with food, a lack of work/life balance, or a harsh internal critic, at one point we’ve all crossed that line we drew for ourselves.

Which is why we’re diving thru this! We’ve got your back, sweet baby angels, and we’re here to guide you through the muck on your journey to mental wellbeing.

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Saying no takes strength so we’re going to work our way up. Don’t stress, we would never just push you out into the world armed with nothing but a word!

We had a chat with our in-house mental health professional, Natalie Asayag LSCW, and developed 10 tips to help you say no, and to do it without the guilt that accompanies the word.

1. Take a Look at Your Own Personal Limits

Natalie highlights how important it is to draw clear boundaries for yourself when it comes to work, family, romantic relationships/dating, finances and your social life.

So how do we actually do this? We start by looking at the limits we have in place and then expand on them.

Take some quiet time to think through and even journal about the boundaries you would like to define. Start by asking yourself these questions:

What would life look like if I did maintain these boundaries?

Are there any challenges I have to work through to do so?

What support do I need?

Thinking through these will help you to stay clear and less emotionally reactive.

2. Be Clear About Your No

Sounds easy enough, right? Except we sometimes get lost in the niceties. It’s helpful to think through what would logically happen if you say no vs. saying yes. Would you feel overwhelmed if you take on yet another task or commit to going to an event you don’t want to attend?

If you politely decline, will the individual be receptive and respect the boundaries you are drawing? Play the scenario all the way through.

3. Be Prepared for the Reactions Of Others

We’re gonna be honest, not everyone is going to be as happy about your ability to say no as we are. Some people will look at you and say, “Good for you! Do what you need to do,” and support you endlessly. Others… well, not so much.

Some might feel entitled to you, your space, your energy, and your time. They might see you as holding some kind of obligation to them where your boundaries don’t apply. These people, when you tell them no, are probably going to be angry. Unfortunately, you have to mentally prepare yourself for that.

The word no is like a magical sword you can wield to protect yourself. When you see people coming your way with “a favour to ask,” get ready to draw a line in the sand. Because while saying no may leave them slightly disappointed or temporarily upset, it will establish a concrete boundary for the future. So, the next time your boundaries are challenged or pushed, stand your ground and flash that shiny [s]word.

4. Journal Your Progress

Take some time to reflect on the responses, the reactions, the whole process. Ask yourself these important questions.

Where / how did I learn that I can’t draw healthy boundaries for myself?

What’s the story I’m telling myself about what would happen if I work on my boundaries?

Am I worried that maintaining my boundaries says something negative about me?

We all want to be loved and accepted by the people around us, but the most important thing is that we are showing ourselves that same kind of love by being true to what we need.

5. Stick to Your Decision

When you stick your boundaries, you will begin to feel more control and comfort in your everyday life. Sticking to boundaries will help you improve your self-esteem while also feeling calmer, and more sure of yourself.

Often, people don’t feel as though they can say “no” because of what they have internalized about themselves. They fear they are creating conflict by disappointing someone, or that they are taking the easy way out. Pay attention to that little inner voice that whispers one or more of these fear-based statements and work to reframe these thoughts.

6. Repeat Reassuring Phrases

This will help you remember that it truly is ok to say no. You can repeat things like:

It’s ok for me to ask for what I need.

You’ve got this. Stand your ground.

What I need matters. I matter.

The DiveThru team believes in me.

Whatever you need to say, say it! You don’t necessarily have to repeat these mantras out loud either. You can journal it, put up sticky notes around your home, or even make it the background image on your laptop. Whatever you need, do it!

7. Take a Step Back From Your Emotions

This can be a SUPER hard thing to do. Remove yourself from your emotions? You’re probably reading this and thinking, “They think that I can DO that?” Yep. We do!

Taking a step back emotionally can help you re-evaluate the situation you’re in. Doing this allows you to try to outline the kind of relationship or environment you would want if you could create it on your own, away from all other influences.

What’s your ideal situation? Think about it and work to create it by keeping yourself and your boundaries strong.

8. Don’t Forget Self Care

Saying no can be stressful. If you’ve said no to a highly reactive person, you’re probably VERY stressed about that interaction.

Taking care of yourself isn’t always like it appears on Instagram or Pinterest. It’s how you treat yourself. Are you speaking to yourself kindly? Are you giving yourself space, grace, and forgiveness? And are you trusting yourself to create space for things that bring you joy?

The more you care about yourself and the more self care you practice, you’ll begin to find more balance and happiness within yourself and your life. It won’t always be easy to practice self care, but it will get better with time.

9. Remember Why You’re Saying No

If you keep your ultimate goal in mind, you’ll remember why you have to stay strong and stick to the decisions and boundaries that you’ve made. Creating a better situation, relationship, or environment is why you needed to say no in the first play, right?

It might be hard not to waver or give in to people who don’t respect your no’s, but remember why you had to set this boundary in the first place.

10. Trust Yourself

Trust your gut. Listen to what it’s telling you. From our experience, it’s rarely ever wrong. Listen to what it says yes and no to. You can trust this inner voice because it’s trying to take care of you.

If you allow this to take care of you, your stress levels will go wayyyy down and you’re happiness will go wayyyy up.

You might not feel this shift immediately, but we promise it’s coming. The more you trust yourself and practice saying no, your life is going to look completely different in the best way possible.

Even if you’re doing all the right things, and you do them REALLY well, your boundaries will always be challenged. It’s not always going to be easy, but we know that you can do it. You have the tools that you need to say no, and you’ve got the strength to make it happen.

Now, go get ‘em, tiger! Go say no to people!