March 2021 - Page 2 of 3

Unwanted Urges: How to Stop Intrusive Thoughts

Have you ever been driving and randomly thought about yeeting your car off the road? Maybe you’ve thought about squeezing your pet just a little too hard? Or you had a weird urge to strip naked and run through a busy mall? If you’re internally screaming YES, just know that you’re not alone. These are called intrusive thoughts, and they’re pretty common. We’re going to dive into how they work, what they mean, and how to stop intrusive thoughts!

What Are Intrusive Thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts can be SUPER uncomfortable and disturbing at times, but it’s important to remember that they don’t define who you are. These thoughts are entirely harmless and you shouldn’t feel bad about having them.

Intrusive thoughts are intense, can’t be challenged with logic and often come out of nowhere. They can actually be sooo wildly disproportionate from who you are as a person that you get scared (because you don’t want to act on what’s playing out in your head). The thoughts tend to stick in your brain and the more you try to push them away, the more they will come back over and over and over again! WTF, right?!

“Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that come into our consciousness that are distressing, scary, and/or shameful,” says psychotherapist Nadia Adessi in a recent episode of the Anxious Like You podcast. “We try really hard to push them away, but they seem to stick around and intrude, and can cause us to feel shame and fear. We never want them, and we never like them.”

To add to it all, these shameful thoughts come with loads of anxiety! They can completely shove logic aside and make you afraid that others are able to read your mind. THEY CAN’T. But, you still feel like you need to hide what’s going on inside your head when, really, it’s a fairly common experience. Now, let’s get to the root of these thoughts!

What Causes Intrusive Thoughts?

Some intrusive thoughts can be situational. For example, if you’re holding a knife you might picture cutting someone with it. Scary, right? But still, totally normal. These situational thoughts tend to be more common in people who have experienced trauma. So someone with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), an eating disorder, or several other conditions is more likely to develop these thoughts when they’re in a state of hyperarousal — whether they’re anxious, depressed, or in fight-flight-freeze mode.

“A lot of [intrusive thoughts] are coming from us being in an environment and coming up with things subconsciously in our mind that can be harmful or scary to us,” adds Nadia. “Sometimes, it’s just our mind’s way of trying to protect ourselves in those situations because we are scanning for things that we would deem as dangerous or immoral or uncomfortable.”

You could be in a situation where you have too much control or you could be in one where you have too little control, and these thoughts will serve as your body’s very inconvenient defense mechanism. Everyone will struggle with fleeting intrusive thoughts at one point or another, but some others will experience them much more frequently (it just depends on the person).

What Can Intrusive Thoughts Look Like?

Here are some common examples of how these unwanted urges present themselves:

– Harm: You might think about driving your car off a bridge or throwing a pet out the window. It can be like playing out a Final Destination scene in your head (for just a split second).

– Embarrassment: Like wanting to stand in the middle of a busy mall and scream obscenities.

– Relationships: Thinking that you don’t actually love your partner.

– Sexual: Thinking about an inappropriate person, like a family member or a child.

Intrusive thoughts can also take on many other forms and patterns.

Those with OCD may notice their intrusive thoughts become more repetitive, or cause them to feel like something bad will happen if they don’t pursue said thought. People who struggle with eating disorders may experience body-focused thoughts, like they are being judged for something they are eating. Women experiencing postpartum depression may also have intrusive thoughts, specifically related to harming their baby.

What Do Intrusive Thoughts Mean?

No matter which way they manifest themselves, intrusive thoughts mean absolutely nothing — because they are ultimately just thoughts. That doesn’t mean they can’t feel completely debilitating when they happen, but it does mean you don’t need to worry about going to jail just because the thought of hurting someone crossed your mind.

There are two big misconceptions surrounding intrusive thoughts:

1. People want to act on these thoughts.

2. All thoughts are worth examining.

No, people do not want to act on all of their thoughts. And no, thoughts do not always carry significant meaning. The key thing to remember is that an intrusive thought is something that happens to you, not something that defines you!

You Are Not Alone

You might feel ashamed of the intrusive thoughts you are having, and like you should keep them a secret, but know that there are sooooo many people in the same boat! In fact, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) reports that approximately 6 million Americans regularly experience intrusive thoughts. 6 MILLION!!! (And that’s only including people who have shared their concerns with a doctor.)

“Every single person gets intrusive thoughts and they do not say anything about your character. They do not mean that anything is wrong with you, that you should feel shame, that you should feel like you’re a bad person…” explains Nadia. “They are normal. They are happening to everybody.”

And the AMAZING news? These thoughts won’t rattle around in your head forever because there are steps you can take to (hopefully) send them on their merry way! Let’s go over how to stop intrusive thoughts in their tracks.

How to Stop Intrusive Thoughts

As normal and harmless as intrusive thoughts are, they’re still suuuper uncomfortable and can cause a real upheaval in your brain. So, if you are looking for some ways to calm your thoughts, you have a few options!

In the moment, your best bet is to self-soothe and avoid trains of thought that can make the situation worse. There are a few things you can tell yourself to remind your brain it doesn’t need to be anxious. But, if intrusive thoughts start to impact how you go about your days, a mental health specialist can help in recommending treatment or medication.

1. Remind Yourself Who Is in Control

The first thing you should do is remember that thoughts are automatic and that you do not control them — nor do they control you. But you CAN control your actions. You’re bigger than what is going on in your head. You own the thought. You call the shots.

“Those thoughts cannot do anything to you,” explains psychotherapist Micheline Maalouf. “You, at the end of the day, decide. And if it’s not who you are, then you’re not going to do them. So, don’t let them scare you because they cannot hurt you.”

2. Ground Yourself

Start grounding yourself by bringing your attention back to your surroundings. Actively label the thought as “intrusive.” Don’t let it consume your mind and instead allow yourself to sit in the anxiety as you slowly bring your attention away from the thought. Then, try your best to return to the activity you were doing before the intrusive thought popped into your head.

3. Out of Sight, Out of Mind

A tactic that Nadia and Micheline suggest is putting the unwanted thought in an imaginary cloud and envisioning that cloud passing by you. It will disappear as quickly as it appeared. While the thought is ‘out of sight and out of mind,’ you’ve still acknowledged that you had it and didn’t allow yourself to act on it.

4. Use Affirmations

Think of your intrusive thoughts as Thing 1 and Thing 2: the chaos and craziness locked up in the big red box that is your brain. But the more you try to control Thing 1 and Thing 2, the more out of control they get.

So, here are some affirmations you can use to calm your intrusive thoughts. Say these with us:

Acknowledging a thought is not accepting a thought.

At this moment, I choose to let this thought pass.

Just because it is my thought, does not mean it’s true.

My thoughts have power over me only if I give them power.

I can observe my thoughts without attaching meaning to them.

Struggling is a human experience. It is okay to feel what I’m feeling.

I am proud of my efforts to deal with my thoughts.

5. Don’t Entertain It

Intrusive thoughts (a.k.a. Thing 1 and Thing 2) are NOT guests you want to invite over for a cup of tea. Don’t make them feel welcome and def don’t let them spend the night.

That said, here are some things to avoid when having an intrusive thought:

– Engaging with the thought.

– Trying to figure out what the thought “means.”

– Suppressing the thought.

– Allowing the thought to make you doubt your character.

In the thick of an intrusive thought, these approaches can be difficult to apply. But if practiced regularly they can be very effective. If your intrusive thoughts become severe and unbearable, we recommend speaking to a mental health specialist.

To find out more about how to stop intrusive thoughts, tune in to the “Talking Intrusive Thoughts” episode of our Anxious Like You podcast!

How to Find a LGBTQ Therapist That Will Support You Best

Existing in the world as a member of the LGBTQIA2S+ Community can be scary. It can be hard to identify someone who is biggoted, judgemental, or phobic — and then deal with all their bull. That’s a fucking heavy load to carry around and it’ll start to take a toll on your mental health.

Speaking to a therapist who understands you, and your life, is a great way to look after your mental health. But finding a LGBTQ therapist (Queer-friendly and familiar with the Queer Community), can be another challenge to add to the list. And you shouldn’t have to settle, because the therapist that is the right fit for you will be supportive of your sexual orientation or gender identity. You DESERVE an accepting space to unload and decompress. To help you find support, we’ve compiled a list of Canadian and American resources so you can find a LGBTQ therapist. Let’s go!

Why Finding a Queer Therapist Matters

If you’re part of the Queer community, what you might need is called LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapy. This is a specific kind of therapy that embraces Queer people, their lives and their identities with total acceptance.

Finding a Queer therapist is important because you need someone who knows what you’re going through — unfortunately, there are just some experiences that only another Queer person will totally understand. It also helps to establish common ground right out of the gate, and contributes to the creation of this new safe space. Plus, you won’t have to spend your session time educating them on your orientation and/or identity. This time is YOURS.

Members of the Queer community experience mental health issues at about 3 times the rate of the heteronormative population. Which TOTALLY MAKES SENSE because marginalized communities face a lot more hardships as a result of their ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or gender identity. It’s a lot to carry!

So how exactly do you find a therapist who can help you?

LGBTQIA2S+ Mental Health Resources

First thing’s first. Hit up the ole internet and give LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapist in my city a Goog. We gave it a try and a ton of options came up! You might be lucky enough to find a directory of Queer-friendly businesses, including psychological services.

If you live in a rural area and don’t have access to in-person counselling, consider finding a LGBTQ therapist who is willing to do a video call with you. There are now tons of therapists who are happy to provide sessions by phone or online!

There are also Queer-tailored helplines you can reach out to if you feel like you’re in a crisis. How awesome is that?!

Canadian Resources

Many provinces and territories have their own help and crisis lines that you can call to access help. The below list includes queer-specific, and non-specific, help lines. If you’re currently experiencing an emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

1. Trans LifeLine

– Call 1-877-330-6366

They also have a ton of resources (including: finding legal support and health care supports, resources for sex workers, child and youth camp listings, and resources for trans people with disabilities…to name a few).

2. Kids Help Phone (20 yrs and younger)

– Call 1-800-668-6868 (open 24/7)

– Text CONNECT to 686868 (live chat), or TALK to 686868 (English), or TEXTO to 686868 (Français)

– Chat on Facebook Messenger (open 24/7)

They also have a directory of youth programs.

3. Hope for Wellness

– Call 1-855-242-3310 (open 24/7 in English & Français — Cree, Ojibway and Inuktitut available upon request)

– Chat online

4. National Indian Residential School Crisis Line

– Call 1-866-925-4419

5. The Lifeline Canada

Take a look at this phenomenal list of crisis lines sorted by province. It’s a great resource for finding lines that are tailored to different communities, languages, and circumstances.

American Resources

There are a number of national organizations with crisis lines that you can call to access help. The below list includes queer-specific, and non-specific, help lines. If you’re currently experiencing an emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

1. The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth under 25)

– Call 1-866-488-7386

– Text START to 678678

– Chat online 24/7

2. The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender National Help Center

– Call 1-888-843-4564 (youth & adults), or 1-800-246-7743 (25 and younger), or 1-888-234-7243 (50 and older)

– Chat online (peer support), or chat here (LGBT 19 and younger, moderated), or chat here (trans 19 and younger, moderated)

They also have an extensive list of LGBTQ-friendly organizations and businesses.

3. The Trans Lifeline

– Call 877-565-8860

4. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

– Call 1-800-273-8255 (English)

– Call 1-800-628-9454 (Español)

– Chat online 24/7

– Chat online 24/7 (veterans)

– Text 838255 (veterans)

– TTY dial 711, then 1-800-273-8255

5. The Lifeline Canada

It’s a Canadian page but it has a fantastic list of crisis centres in the United States.

Queer-Friendly TikTok Creators to Follow

While you work on your mental health with a therapist, you can also indulge in some queer-friendly, mental health related TikTok scrolling. These are our current faves!

@hannahbreadtok Hannah isn’t necessarilyyyyy a mental health professional, but these videos are soooo relaxing to watch! If you’re in the midst of an anxious episode, mosey on over to TikTok and spend a few hours watching Hannah bake bread (it’s kinda sexy).

@the.truth.doctor Dr. Courtney Tracy is Queer-friendly, pro BLM and a general badass. She demonstrates some amazing coping mechanisms, gives great info on mental health and is NOT here for the trolls in her comment section! We love her content and think she’s 10/10 someone you should follow.

@beccstatic B is ALL THE THINGS. B is a therapist, PhD Student, witch (AMAZING!), and gay. B is super chill and already treats clients from the Queer Community. We’re so here for the awesome Queer + mental health content!

@dreadbehemoth Dr. Brendon takes such a cool approach to therapy that we’ve never really seen before! He combines his love of cosplay with therapy in order to help his patients overcome their struggles. He’s also fully ready to dismantle toxic masculinity and the patriarchy! Wholesome. Sweet. Helpful. Educational! It doesn’t get better than that!

You are PERFECT, deserve every ounce of happiness, and deserve to find a LGBTQ therapist that automatically respects and accepts you as you are. We know that finding one to give you the kind of affirming therapy you need can be hard, so we hope that we made the search a little bit easier. And in the meantime, make sure you keep looking after your mental health so you can keep being your beautiful self!

Feeling Nurturing: A Guide to Your Emotions

What image comes to mind when someone tells you they’re feeling nurturing? You might picture them caring for their house plants…potting the little green babies, watering them, and making sure they get enough sunlight so that they can thrive and grow. We also tend to think of mothers as nurturing, since they bring us into the world and care for us before we can fully take care of ourselves. And when we get hurt, we nurture our wounds by putting a bandage on a cut, or getting a cast for a broken bone. We also nurture our body by giving it food, water and whatever else it needs to function. These are all great examples, and since you’re already feeling nurturing, let’s put that focus on your mental wellbeing! Yep, we said it. Your mental health needs nurturing too!

You’ve come to the right place. Let’s dive thru this emotion you’re feeling — wishing to nurture something — and see how you can channel it into your mental health!

A Deeper Look at Feeling Nurturing

Okay, so what does it really mean to feel nurturing? That’s a great question. Dictionary.com has a few definitions of nurture, but this one best reflects the feeling we wanna talk about: “verb. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster.” Cool cool cool. But what does this have to do with our mental health exactly? Let’s unpack that.

Sometimes, it’s easier to nurture other areas or other people in our lives first. We might focus all of our attention on nurturing our relationships to make sure that they stay strong. This can include our relationships with friends, family, coworkers and romantic relationships. When the people in our lives need our time and attention, we give it to them because we care. That’s not a bad thing, at all! Showing care and affection is important. It makes us feel bonded and connected to other people, but at times it can also be draining if we’re not looking after ourselves, too.

How Feeling Nurturing Shows Up Mentally

When you take that nurturing feeling and channel it towards yourself, it’s obviously going to improve your wellbeing quite a bit. For one, it just makes you feel cared for, like you’re your own priority. You can take on daily challenges, stress and anxiety with more ease because you’ve taken the time to look after yourself. This means less risk of burning out, dealing with chronic stress or neglecting our health. Here are some more great benefits to nurturing your mental wellbeing:

– Lifts your mood

– Reduces stress and anxiety

– Increases attentiveness and focus

– Boosts productivity

– Sparks creativity

– Promotes positivity

– Increases motivation

Sooo the message is pretty clear: nurture yourself, people! Think of yourself as one of your plants, if that helps! Your mental wellbeing can’t thrive without being nurtured. It’s time to look after YOU.

How Feeling Nurturing Shows Up Physically

Caring for our mental health also improves our physical health. What’s that saying about the birds and a rock or something? Whatever, you get the idea. The two are linked, so let’s look at allll the ways our body benefits when we nurture our mental health:

– Reduces cortisol levels

– Lowers blood pressure

– Strengthens immune system

– Provides better sleep

– Improves digestion

– Reduces pain

– Lengthens lifespan

When our mental wellbeing is thriving, we typically take better care of our physical health. We make sure to drink lots of water and nourish ourselves with food. We’re better at going out walks or finding other ways to move our bodies. We get fresh air and enjoy the sunshine. Basically, this is your sign to nurture your mental health! ‘Cause clearly the benefits are endless.

5 Ways to Embrace Feeling Nurturing

Feeling nurturing is a great emotion to experience, so if you’re looking for ways to embrace this feeling: look no further! That’s why we’re here. We’ve got some super helpful practices for you to try out. They’ll help you really get into your feels, ‘cause that’s what we’re all about here at DiveThru. The #feels.

1. Practice Meditation

If you wanna nurture your mind, this should do it. This practice allows us to slowww down and shift our mindset which is really important when dealing with stress and anxiety. If you’re not sure how to meditate, follow a guided practice to get you started. Trust us, it’s a game changer!

2. Journal

You wanna know the great thing about journaling? This practice allows you to explore your feelings and reframe any negative thoughts you might be experiencing. You get to put pen to paper and let the words just flow! Does it get any better than that?! We think not.

3. Engage in Something Creative

Getting creative can be suuuper relaxing. And the best thing about it is that there’s endless ways to be creative! There’s sketching, colouring, sculpting and painting. Playing an instrument, singing and dancing. Writing poetry, stories or blog posts. Knit yourself a sweater, if that’s what you’re into! Getting creative can be such a nurturing experience to help improve your wellbeing.

4. Engage in Compassionate Self Talk

When we nurture other people, how do we usually speak to them? Think about it. We say things like: You’re doing your best. You are not a failure. You will get through this. I’m always here for you. Take care of yourself. Perfect, you also have the right idea for engaging in compassionate self talk! Whenever you’re feeling down and could use some positive words, try speaking to yourself compassionately.

5. Practice Gratitude

Practicing gratitude allows us to show appreciation for all of the good things in life. That might include writing a list of things that bring you joy, volunteering in your community, or showing acts of kindness to the people who make your life better. It honestly feels great for everyone involved, so why not try it out for yourself!

Okay, that’s all from us for now. We hope this helped nurture you in some way, and that you try some of the nurturing practices! Take care of yourself, friend.

Feeling Weak: A Guide to Your Emotions

Weakness is most often thought of as a sensation felt within the body. It’s true! Muscles and bones can hurt so much that one can barely move. You can become so tired and physically exhausted that the thought of even taking a shower makes you feel like you’re about to faint. Feeling weak is the opposite of a party!

People have manyyy different reasons why they might feel physically weak: chronic illness, medication, your job, whatever really. But weakness can appear as an emotion as well.

But this emotion doesn’t travel alone. Unfortunately, it likes to show up with it’s nastyyy pack of little friends that follow it. They’re all super rude and we aren’t fans of them! So, on top of weakness, you might be feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, and don’t know what to do next. We’ve all been there. It’s a terrifying headspace to be in! Just know that what you’re feeling is valid and your emotions matter. You are NOT weak emotionally or physically for being here today. In fact, we’re super proud of you!

Let’s talk about this feeling and break it down a bit, shall we?

A Deeper Look at Feeling Weak

A lot of people who struggle with the emotion of weakness often do because they have to be “on.” All. The. Time. This is especially true if you struggle with your mental health. You don’t want to burden others with your problems, so you keep them inside and pretend that you’re doing ok. It seems to take allllll your energy just to appear fine and put on a fake smile as you walk out into the world every day. Someone better give you a fucking Oscar because you’ve been acting like everything is ok soooo well that people have no clue what you’re going through!

Your body and mind feel like they’re being crushed by this weight that you have to silently carry around with you all day, and by the time you get home from work, you barely have any energy left for yourself. The constant battle with your thoughts takes up all the strength that you have and you’re just so exhausted because these battles, even though they’re in your mind, feel physical. We get it. We’ve been there too! When we feel like this, even the small things like making our bed in the morning feel like climbing a mountain.

You’re exhausted from the emotional toll of having to just get through the day. Our brains never turn off and it leaves us feeling exhausted on a level so deep that we feel tired in our bones. And, our bodies are on constant alert because our minds can’t stop racing and looking for ways to protect ourselves. The worst part is that when we want to sleep, we can’t! Why? Because our minds neverrr slow down. What a catch 22!

How Feeling Weak Shows Up Mentally

Oftentimes, the emotion of weakness is caused by environmental factors that can bring about this feeling. Sometimes, things feel like they are completely out of our control and we’re left to try and cope with our emotions however we can manage. It can become overwhelming and leave us feeling like we don’t have the strength to push our way through the day.

– Constantly thinking

– Emotional overload

– Feelings of hopelessness

– Sense of loneliness or isolation

– Mood swings

– Irritability

– Apathy

But at the end of it all, we make it through to the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that; fighting to care for ourselves in small ways. Don’t beat yourself up for having these emotions. You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got!

How Feeling Weak Shows Up Physically

Feeling weak often is associated with the physical sensation of weakness. You might feel like you have an entire boulder sitting on your back and an anvil hanging from your stomach. Bearing this mental weight manifests in our bodies in physical ways and leaves us feeling mentally and physically weak.

– Fatigue

– Sleeplessness

– Oversleeping

– Sensory overload

It’s only natural for you to feel this way! Give yourself a little bit of grace and a lot of kindness. Try your best to take care of yourself however you can — even if it’s in small ways! Those small things will add up over time, we promise!

How to Cope With Feeling Weak

Sometimes advice like “exercise,” and “eat well,” just aren’t possible when you’re feeling mentally and physically weak. Coping with this emotion is so much harder than some people could ever understand. But don’t worry! We’re gonna give you some real advice that we know you’re gonna crush.

1. Visualize your happy place

Sometimes our reality just gets to be a bit too much for us and we need to escape. If you can’t afford a vacation, just close your eyes. It’s a lot cheaper AND you can customize your space. So, it’s kind of the better option in our opinion!

2. Comfort yourself like you would a friend

You deserve a hug! Be kind to yourself because you’re going through some hard shit right now. Look at yourself in the mirror and say some nice things to yourself. Give yourself a little pep talk! You might tell yourself exactly what you need to hear.

3. Move your body

You don’t have to go crush an intense workout at the gym or anything, but we just want you to move enough to get your body working in the opposite way you might be mentally feeling. If you’re stuck in bed, we want you to try and do a 180 and go for a teeny walk, stretch, or ride a bike – whatever you feel like you can manage! Baby steps.

4. Engage in something soothing and comforting

Spend some time with a pet, hug a stuffed animal, wrap yourself up in a cozy blanket, have a warm drink, and just get comfortable. Sometimes we need to just have a soft moment with ourselves and give ourselves a MUCH needed break from everything.

5. Practice meditation

Meditating allows us to take a moment and just sloooowwww down for a second. It gives us a chance to try and shift our mindset and cope with our challenges in a healthy and calm manner. It might help you out if you find a guided meditation to walk you through emotions. After a while, you won’t need a guide anymore and you’ll be meditating all on your own like a boss!

Give yourself a hug. Sometimes a little self-love will help you gain a little bit of strength to tackle the day that you have ahead of you and will help you end it on a loving note. We believe in you and we know that you have an immense amount of strength within yourself that you might not even know you have!

Feeling Proud: A Guide to Your Emotions

The smile on your face is reaching from ear to ear. Your chest is puffed out. You feel confident and accomplished. And to top it all off, even your hair is perfectly coiffed today too! What’s got you in such a good mood? Well, you’re feeling proud as fuck right now! You’re proud of who you are and what you’ve done, and you’re celebrating it. Way to go! Can we celebrate together for a second? Ok. Ready? Go!

Tiny little online dance party.

That was fun! Now, let’s talk about why you’re feeling this way. Even though you’re feeling on top of the fucking world, it’s still nice to break down this feeling of pride when you’re experiencing it. Why? So that you can learn to feel proud of yourself more often! We want you to be the happiest version of yourself always, so let’s learn about being proud together.

A Deeper Look at Feeling Proud

Feeling proud is the best. What you’ve done is totally awesome and you know it. You’ve worked really hard to achieve it, and what you’ve done for yourself — or others — deserves to be celebrated.

It might’ve been something as simple as taking a shower and making sure that you’ve had enough water to drink today. AMAZING! That can be some really hard shit to do when we’re feeling low, so we’re proud of you. You could’ve also discovered a new planet, flew a spaceship, landed on it, and are about to study it for the rest of your life. ALSO AMAZING! Accomplishments, both major and minor, should be celebrated (and we’re here to do that with you!).

Let’s break down the word “proud.” According to Dictionary.com, “feeling pleasure and satisfaction because you or people connected with you have done or got something good.” Take your pet, for example. You could be proud of them for not bunny-kicking you awake to feed them at 5am. But let’s focus on you right now!

You can be proud of yourself for a number of reasons. You can be proud of who you are! You’re a good person and you should be proud of how you treat others as you walk through this world. So, be proud of yourself when you look at people with kindness and care.

Feeling proud of yourself is even something to be proud of. In a world where we’re constantly told that we have to hustle and grind and work until we break, being proud of who you are and what you’ve done is an amazing achievement itself.

Be proud of how hard you’re trying. You’re going against the grain and you’re doing it AMAZINGLY! You’ve also come a loooooong way. We don’t know your life story (obvs), but we bet you’re in a totally different place in your life than you were even just a year ago!

How Feeling Proud Shows Up Mentally

Pride doesn’t always have to be related to being stubborn, self-indulgent, and egotistical like it’s usually made out to be. It can be about celebrating all that you’ve achieved! YOU DESERVE A LITTLE SELF LOVE PRIDE PARTY! This little internal love parade brings along with it a whooooole basket of positive emotions and we’re gonna tell you what they are:

– Self-love

– Self-respect

– Happiness

– Feelings of accomplishment

– Confidence

– Self-assurance

Your mental health and fortitude are going to skyrocket! Why? Because you deserve it, baby! And honestly, we love that for you. Pride in yourself should be celebrated and cherished.

How Feeling Proud Shows Up Physically

When your mind and soul feel good, your body feels good. You might have a little extra pep in your step and feel like the world is a little bit brighter today. You’re probably feeling super good mentally, so let’s talk about how this amazing feeling of pride shows up physically.

– Increased energy

– Better sleep

– Increased self-esteem

– Boosted productivity

– Increased resilience

You also might be walking a little taller than usual too, but honestly that’s just a cute little bonus, don’t you think? You could grow an extra inch just from being proud! That would be pretty great in our opinion. And we also think that you deserve that extra inch! Stand tall and proud, friend!

5 Ways to Embrace Feeling Proud

Embrace this feeling! Get excited about it! Feeling proud of yourself is an amazing and wonderful way to feel and for some of us, it doesn’t come around as often as it should. So how can you keep feeling proud? We’ve got you covered:

1. Engage in something creative

Crochet, paint, draw, knit, and create whatever you want to! You can sit with this awesome emotion of pride while doing something that you truly enjoy. Flexing your creative side is an awesome way to enjoy your time while feeling awesome and proud!

2. Journal

Write down why you’re feeling so proud. This will help you foster this pride and remind yourself why you deserve to feel proud of yourself! You can always look back on what you’ve written and remember your amazing accomplishments.

3. Connect with a friend

Call up your bestie and brag about yourself! Your best friend is there to help hype you up so invite them into your little party and get excited together. You’re allowed to get excited and feel this pride, and having someone else there to celebrate with you makes it just that much sweeter!

4. Practice gratitude

Remembering what you’re grateful for can help you realize all the incredible things that you’ve achieved. You have a roof over your head. INCREDIBLE! Water? AMAZING! A bed to sleep in? PHENOMENAL! Everything that you’re grateful for should be celebrated and you should feel proud of yourself for making it happen.

5. Meditate

Sitting in a meditative state with this feeling of pride can help you learn more about this emotion and help you foster it. That way, you can bring it up within yourself more often. Who wouldn’t want to feel this amazing sensation of pride whenever you want? We think that sounds pretty fricking great.

We are so proud of you for feeling proud of yourself! Like we said, people aren’t nearly as proud of themselves as often as they should be and YOU’VE MANAGED TO DO IT! What an achievement! Now, keep feeling proud today, tomorrow, and every day. You deserve it!

Blended Families: The Ultimate Guide to Being a Step-Parent

Every family is totally unique and maybe even a lil’ weird in their own way. That especially goes for blended families! But we like weird. Weird is cool! And when it comes to blended families, the Dunphys are the first to come to mind! They are the epitome of complicated (but hilarious) blended family shenanigans. Sure, there are plenty of heartwarming, mushy moments that make you go awww. But there are just as many rough patches on a regular basis too.

As a step-parent, you probably know this simple truth first-hand — joining multiple families under one roof is NOT easy! With sooo many feelings coming from all sides, how the hell is everyone supposed to get along?!

The truth is, there’s no right way to navigate a blended family. What works great for some households might start a full-on civil war in others. But hey, that’s totally ok! We can’t expect families to be perfect, or act like everything is sunshine and rainbows all of the time.

Families can be messy. They disagree. They fight. And sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) they don’t know how to properly communicate. But nothing is impossible when you work through it together with love, just like the Dunphys!

5 Ways to Make Blended Families Work

You’re probably wondering how you and your partner can merge your families together as smooooothly as possible (and how you can avoid the wicked step-parent stereotype). Warning — there WILL be some bumps along the way! It’s gonna take a lot of work, plus some tweaking here and there to your family’s personal situation, but it’s 100 percent worth it. Here are some ways you can bring your blended family closer together as a step-parent.

1. Acknowledge Feelings

If it seems like your step-kids aren’t adjusting to the new family dynamic, it can be hard not to take it personally. Instead of getting defensive — or pushing too hard for them to accept “this is the way things are now, get used to it!” — try understanding their perspective. Your step-kids could be having a tough time because they’ve had to move into a new house, away from the life they were used to before. Maybe they’re still emotionally dealing with their parents’ separation, or they aren’t used to having other siblings around. Again, every family has a unique situation.

It’s important to acknowledge everyone’s feelings…even the ones that aren’t being communicated. You don’t want a kid war like the one that started in Yours, Mine & Ours when the parents just pushed everyone into the converted lighthouse. SO not a good idea.

2. Allow Space for Open Communication

One of the best things a family can do is to communicate openly with each other. It’s easier said than done but makes a huge difference in the long run. It’s also super important to make sure that everyone has fair opportunity to openly communicate how they feel! Make sure everyone in your blended family understands they can come to you whenever there’s a problem or they want to share something. This also means that when they DO communicate, you’re responsive and show you’re actually listening. Everyone deserves to feel respected and heard!

If your family needs some extra help with communication, going to therapy together is a great idea. We recommend finding a therapist that specializes in working with families — and even better, blended families — as they will better understand the dynamics of your household.

3. Set Realistic Expectations

When you and your partner have formed a strong relationship and are ready to join your lives together, your kids might still need some time to catch up. This will be a huge adjustment for them and they probably have a load of feelings to sort through. Give them some time and space to come around! They might be on the fence right now, but with your patience and understanding they’ll start to feel more comfortable.

Try not to set unrealistic expectations. Everything won’t just fall into place all at once and you can’t expect everyone to bond right away. That closeness will come if you work towards it, but it won’t happen overnight! Meredith didn’t just automatically love her new-found sisters immediately. It took a WHILE to warm up to Lexie and Maggie.

4. Make Bonding a Priority

To bring your blended family closer together, bonding is a must! The sooner you make time to connect and get to know each other on a deeper level, the better. Try setting designated family time that everyone can participate in — family game night, movie night, road trips…you name it! Even having dinner together as a family is super underrated these days given how busy our schedules are.

Your step-kids will notice the effort you’re making to get to know them and, even if they’re a lil’ bit reserved at first, they’ll appreciate how much you care. Quality time is everything!

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

Don’t underestimate the wonders that setting boundaries will do for a blended family! It’s important for every family member to have clear boundaries that are heard and respected. For the kids, it might include something as simple as knocking before entering their room.

Another healthy boundary — keep any discussion about your children’s other parents off-limits when the kids are around. If you’re not sure what your family’s boundaries are yet, now’s the time to talk about it together! Use that open communication to understand each other’s limits. Again, if you could use the guidance, a family therapist can help your home feel like a safer space for everyone.

Like we said, having a blended family is hard work. You won’t get it right all of the time, but hey. No family does. The most important thing is that you are always willing to try. And LOVE! Don’t forget that love is the reason you’re all together! We’re rooting for you and the famjam.

It’s just like Phil Dunphy said: “Never be afraid to reach for the stars because even if you fall, you’ll always be wearing a Parent-chute.” Words to live by.

Gig Economy Jobs and the Stress on Your Mental Health

Working in a gig economy isn’t exactly like working your typical 9-to-5 (move over, Dolly Parton!). When we say gigs, we’re talking about the independent contractors and freelancers who work on a part-time or temporary basis. Believe it or not, they kinda make the world go ‘round. That Airbnb host from your cozy cabin getaway? Gig worker. The photographer from your sister’s wedding? Gig worker. The Uber driver bringing you safely home after a wild night out? Yep. You guessed it!

Sooo, what’s the deal with gig economy jobs, anyway? Do freelance workers know some kind of secret the rest of us don’t? Like the key to work-life balance?! Let’s dive thru why some people might lean towards these types of jobs and how they impact mental health.

Why Some Rely on Gig Economy Jobs

First of all, why would someone choose a gig economy job over something that’s full-time, permanent, and ya know…more stable? Fair question. A lot of it depends on the kinda lifestyle you want, but some people simply don’t have another option. An alarming corporate trend is showing companies foregoing their permanent employees in favour of contract positions. In the U.S. and Canada, contractors aren’t as protected by employment laws, meaning employers save a ton of money because they don’t need to provide medical insurance, vacation pay, or sick days to their staff. It also means that they don’t have the responsibility of deducting taxes from pay, leaving a lot of contractors writing an I.O.U. to the government come tax time. We asked influencer marketing expert Lia Haberman, UCLA Extension, about this shift.

“Companies like Uber and Lyft have really benefited from gig work. For example, they’ve actively lobbied to prevent gig workers in California from being classified as employees so they can avoid paying them benefits. So it’s important to protect yourself and look for opportunities where your work is valued and you’re appropriately compensated for your time.”

Why Some Choose Gig Economy Jobs

For those who choose the gig life, the flexibility to set your own schedule — and the ability to pick and choose which jobs to take — is a big positive. Or, for someone with another full-time job, or in school working towards a degree, freelance work might help make ends meet.

Here’s what one of our DiveThru team members, Megan, shared about her personal experience as a freelancer:

“You need to be good at setting boundaries, otherwise it gets really easy for work to overtake your personal life. There’s not always reliable income, and income is not always the same amount month to month, which can make budgeting tricky. Freelancing, I feel, has had a positive impact on my mental health when it comes to setting boundaries for sure. When I first started freelancing, I was going to school full-time, working part-time AND freelancing, all while not really saying no to anything. I burned myself out pretty quickly and had to learn to set boundaries for myself and start saying no — a practice that has also carried over into my personal life.

Have I felt anxiety and stressed out over my freelance income? 100,000%! Always trying to make sure I was working enough hours, trying to figure out how much money to set aside for taxes, stressing whether I’d make enough if I lost a client…. But I definitely gravitate towards the freelance work structure myself. I like having the flexibility to choose my start and end times, and being able to book appointments during the day. I also work best when I am able to watch TV all day while I work, and most companies don’t allow that!”

Ok so clearly, working a gig economy job has its perks. And they’ve gotta be incredibly beneficial to your quality of life. Having the option to work from home and set your own hours?? That sounds like the best! But it also comes with its own set of mental health challenges that aren’t talked about enough.

How Working Gigs Can Affect Mental Health

Even though working as a freelancer seems like the perfect solution to earn some extra cash, it’s not always the easiest route. It might’ve looked SUPER glamorous, but Carrie Bradshaw really had to hustle to find a stable income as a writer. Abbi and Ilana were always picking up side jobs to supplement their income. Even Ms. Norbury went to a part-time gig at the mall after teaching Cady Heron and her mean-girl friends all day.

Gig economy jobs can come with a ton of stress and uncertainty that most people won’t understand until they’ve been there. We went straight to our in-house mental health professional, Natalie Asayag, for her thoughts on what the industry is doing to our mental health:

“A gig economy offers some benefits to its workers — flexibility, and a sense of autonomy and control over their schedule. For some, this can boost their quality of life, as they appreciate structuring their own days. Though, there are certainly major downsides.

Depending on the type of work, many feel anxious about reviews and payment from customers, as this is a precarious experience. Furthermore, many markets are oversaturated, leaving workers stressed about finding enough gigs to pay their living expenses. More specifically, individuals in the freelance realm can find it challenging to draw boundaries with their work, feel a strong sense of uncertainty regarding the availability of work and struggle with time management when left to structure their own schedules.”

So despite having a flexible schedule, and the freedom to choose which gigs are worth taking, the burnout from gig economy jobs is reaaal. Some people might start to overwork themselves to make sure they get the next paycheque…or out of fear of losing work. The lack of stability can create anxiety and start to seep into other areas of your life. You might struggle to enjoy your downtime — or turn your brain on ‘rest mode’ — when you aren’t working, since all you can think about is when your next gig will come.

Gig Economy Pros and Cons

Like any job, working gigs comes with pros and cons. The ability to choose when you work, and which jobs you wanna take, could be reeeaaally helpful for your mental health. The same could be said about creative freedom and being in control of the direction of your projects. Having the same schedule everyday might not be suited for you or your lifestyle so this variety in work could be PERFECT for you!

On the flip side, the instability that comes with freelance and contract work does get pretty overwhelming sometimes. You might have to consider how inconsistent work would impact your family. You might have to think about higher personal expenses and/or no benefits. Taxes are another thing that freelancers have to worry about which can be the. absolute. worst! All of that, combined with the isolation that sometimes crops up from working alone, takes a toll on the mental health of gig economy workers.

How to Care for Your Mental Health

Checking in with how your work is impacting your mental health is SUPER important, no matter what type of job you have! Not sure how to handle your work stress? Don’t worry, we gotchu. Here some quick tips for managing stress as a gig worker or freelancer:

1. Learn to Say No

Say it loud and say it proud — “NO, I can’t take on the extra work.” “NO, I’m too busy for that right now.” “NO, I’m not interested in that type of work.” It gets easier with practice, we promise!

2. Know Your Stressors

Remember, stress overtime can lead to major burnout. So know your stressors — like an impending deadline — and prepare for them ahead of time! You’ll thank yourself later.

3. Take Breaks

From now on, your breaks are MANDATORY, you got that?? After you practice some self-care and enjoy your free time, you’ll show up for work feeling rested, inspired and ready to go.

4. Choose Work You Enjoy

You’re in control of your schedule here, so choose work that you actually enjoy doing. What a concept, right? Choosing work that you’re excited about helps balance out those not-so-fun gigs you take on for extra cash. Go have some fun!

5. Be Kind to Yourself

We’re always our own worst critic. So it’s no surprise how hard we can be on ourselves when we’re literally our own boss! Remind yourself that you’re only ONE person (who’s doing their damn best). That’s enough.

No matter what gig economy job — or jobs — you decide to take and how you wanna manage your work-life balance, ultimately the choice is all yours, baby! There’s no one-size-fits-all solution that works for everyone (but it would be a loooot simpler if that were the case). So don’t feel like you have to compare your situation to someone else’s. You’ll figure out what’s best for you, ‘cause nobody knows you better than yourself. Btw, we’re rooting for you always!

Feeling Confused: A Guide to Your Emotions

Feeling confused is more than just looking at a math problem and not knowing how the hell to solve it (but math is hard, so we totally get that feeling too)! We might feel confused about how we feel, about something that someone has said to us, or an event in our lives. We might replay these events over and over in our minds: Why didn’t I get that promotion? What did they mean by that comment? Why did they ghost me when I reached out?

To fill in the gaps, we might come up with our answers. And usually, we assume the worst! We automatically feel that we have done something wrong, even though we’re probably just overthinking it. Or maybe we’re struggling to come to a big decision because we just. don’t. know. what. to. do!

Looking for answers and obsessing over all of the possibilities is totally common. We all do it, so don’t feel like you’re alone here. Feeling confused, lost or uncertain are all a part of being human. So let’s dive thru feeling confused and how you can navigate this tricky emotion!

A Deeper Look at Feeling Confused

What does it really mean to feel confused? Hey, that’s a great question! APA Dictionary defines confusion as: “n. a mental disturbance characterized by bewilderment, inability to think clearly or act decisively, and disorientation for time, place and person.” Okay, that last part? Those are extreme cases of confusion (not knowing who you are, or where you are). So we’re gonna focus more on feeling confused about your feelings and struggling to make decisions. That’s probably why you’re here!

Let’s look at a possible scenario that could leave you feeling confused. Maybe you’ve gone out on a few dates with someone, and you both really hit it off from the start. They text you 24/7 and you have great conversations. You start to get really close because you have so much in common, lots to talk about and overall, you just click. It seems like you’re getting closer the more time you spend together and you start to see the relationship becoming more official.

But then: plot twist. They end things suddenly. It could be a brief convo, or they do the worst possible thing by totally ghosting you. This completely shocks you and leaves you feeling not only rejected, but confused as hell. Things were going so great, weren’t they? Or were you misreading everything that happened?! Without proper closure, you just feel totally lost about how to move on.

We can also feel a lot of confusion when we have a big decision to make. You might have been accepted to a few different colleges, but you’re unsure which to choose because they’re all so great. Maybe one is closer to home and your family, so it would be nice to have their support. But another school could be in your dream city, plus their program is widely renowned. You feel confused because your emotions are pulling you into opposite directions: staying close to what you know, or branching out. How the hell are you supposed to decide?!

We get it, it’s hard to go through times of confusion. You might feel overwhelmed, anxious and like you can’t focus on one thing. Pause! Take a deep breath. It’s gonna be okay, and you will get through this. Start by focusing on what you DO know and feel sure about. Be patient with yourself. It might take some time, but no matter what, you can get through this.

How Feeling Confused Shows Up Mentally

Our mental state can definitely be affected when we feel confused. Here are a few symptoms you might experience when you’re going through confusion:

– Difficulty concentrating or feeling unfocused

– Brain fog or feeling groggy

– Becoming irritabile or moody for no reason

In more extreme cases, confusion can include mumbling or saying things that don’t make any sense, not recognizing where you are, forgetting things easily, or seeing things that are not there. This can happen when you feel overtired, have difficulty sleeping at night, or have other medical conditions.

Obviously, these are scary things to experience and should be taken very seriously! Conditions like dementia, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s are linked to feelings of confusion. It’s important to see medical attention if these symptoms persist and start to affect your daily life.

How Feeling Confused Shows Up Physically

Just like it affects your mental wellbeing, confusion also affects your physical health. Confusion can be linked to the following symptoms in your body:

– Pain

– Low blood sugar

– Diabetes

– Low sodium

– Low calcium

– Seizures

– Strokes

Although associated with feeling confused, these symptoms could also be caused by alcohol or drug abuse, and carbon monoxide poisoning. Certain medications can also have confusion listed as a side effect. If you experience any combination of these signs for a prolonged amount of time, it’s important to seek medical attention! Listen to your body, always.

5 Ways to Cope with Feeling Confused

When we feel confused, it can also make us feel really lost and scared. We might not know what to do next! But that’s why we’re here to help you out. Here are some coping strategies to try out whenever you’re feeling confused:

1. Reach Out for Support

You don’t have to deal with this emotion all on your own. Having someone be there for us by listening, validating our feelings and providing some advice when we ask for it can be really helpful when working through confusion. So reach out to someone trustworthy who will be the pillar of support you need, whether it’s your partner, friend or family member. You are not alone!

2. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise

When you’re dealing with confusion, this is a great method for clearing your head and improving focus. Engage all five senses and mindfully notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Go in any order that makes sense for you and your current situation – no pressure!

3. Journal

There’s nothing quite like pouring out all of your emotions onto a page, we tell ya! Try writing down how you feel, where you think these feelings are coming from and explore those thoughts. This is also a helpful practice for reframing any negative thoughts you’re experiencing. Journaling gives you tons of clarity, to say the least! Releasing those feelings can help you move forward with a lot more perspective than before.

4. Engage In Compassionate Self Talk

Confusion can make us question and doubt ourselves. We might start to criticize and speak negatively about ourselves because we feel insecure. Try to turn those thoughts around by practicing some compassionate dialogue instead! Say out loud to yourself: Everyone feels lost sometimes. I’m not the only one. I’m only human!

5. Give Yourself a Pep Talk

Sometimes, we gotta give ourselves a little pep talk in order to turn those negative thoughts around. Try saying some encouraging phrases to yourself out loud: I feel confused right now but that’s okay. I’ve dealt with this feeling before and I can do it again. I know who I am!

Okayyy, that’s all we have for now! Hopefully you find these tips helpful and feel less alone as you navigate this confusing emotion. Remember: we are rooting for you!

15 Mental Health Memes That Are Incredibly Relatable

When it comes to mental health, having serious conversations is super important. But you know what’s also important? Seeing mental health content that makes us smile. Or better yet, laugh! With everything going on in our daily lives, we could probably use some cheering up now and then. And in case you didn’t know, it’s totally ok to laugh at your struggles from time to time — it helps you avoid burnout. So let’s poke some fun at it the best way we know how…with some #relatable mental health memes, of course.

1. How Do I Make It Clearer

No, really. We’re all stressed.

2. Go Easy On Me

Adele on repeat for depressy days.

3. Plants Are Love, Plants Are Life

Raise your hand if you also purchase house plants on a regular basis for a serotonin boost… Don’t be shy, we’re all friends here.

take care of your mental health meme — Image Source

4. TFW You Get What You Deserve

You know what feels so, so good? Gettin’ allll of the above and nothing less!

mental health memes serious — Image Source

5. Calling All Besties

Having a support group who you can count on? Yep, that’s the best.

6. Immediately No.

Immediately no.

7. #studentlife

‘Nuff said.

8. Ah Fuk

Every. Single. Time.

9. What’s The Procedure?

Oh my god! Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm.

10. Call Me Remy

Progress, baby. Always working towards a better relationship with food.

positive mental health memes — Image Source

11. When Your Thoughts Won’t Chill TF Out

HANG ON…it’s gonna be a bumpyyy ride.

12. We’ll Take It

relatable mental health memes — Image Source

13. Oops, I Did It Again

Baby Yoda didn’t have to call us out like this…

memes about mental health — Image Source

14. Call Me Bella Swan

“There’s a possibilityyy” on repeat until March.

15. C A P A B L E

That’s enough being perceived for today.

We hope you found these mental health memes super relatable! Keep in mind: it’s okay to not take yourself so seriously all the time. No matter what you’re going through, letting yourself laugh a little can seriously help when times are tough. Follow us on Instagram for more mental health memes like the ones above — we wanna laugh with you!

What Is Unconditional Love in a Relationship? 8 Great Examples

For those who grew up listening to love songs, we bet you were pretty busy imagining what your future love life would look like and daydreaming about who you’ll be with forever and ever. Ahhhh romance. We remember it well! But if you haven’t been in a relationship where unconditional love is a major player, you might be wondering what does it mean to love someone unconditionally?? What is that even supposed to look like?? We’ve gotchu, boo.

Unconditional love has a lot of layers. Shrek would probably argue that it resembles an onion or an ogre. Relationships aren’t easy, no matter what the dynamic is, and there can be a lot to consider when difficult and strenuous situations pop up. And sometimes when this happens, the unconditional-ness can start to feel more like an obligation rather than a selfless act of kindness.

So, let’s break it allll down together! We’re getting into what unconditional love really is and what it REALLY isn’t.

What Is Unconditional Love?

WOW that’s a heavy term, isn’t it? No strings attached, no expectations, no fine print, just… unconditional.

The problem with the term “unconditional love” is that it has a different definition for everyone who uses it. And this can get a little tricky because it can lead to us putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves or our partners. For some people, it might mean defending a friend regardless of whether they are right or wrong. For others, it might mean being the ‘responsible one’ and calling out a friend when they’re making a questionable decision. Either way, it’s really about giving in to the vulnerability of loving someone wholeheartedly.

Unconditional love can be between just about anyone in any kind of relationship. Friendships, romantic relationships, the relationship between a parent and a child, you name it! We even see this type of love from our pets. But what does unconditional love really look like?

1. No Strings Are Attached

Loving someone unconditionally means that you don’t have an ulterior motive or unspoken expectation of obligation from the other person. No conditions. Just love. It’s a totally selfless act of caring for another person without thinking about how these actions could benefit you in the future.

You just genuinely want to love, help and care for someone! And that’s pretty fucking incredible. It’s one of the best gifts that you could give to another person. The best feeling is when this person is able to reciprocate your no-strings-attached love, because it means that you’re well on your way to fostering a healthy and happy relationship!

2. Partners Support Each Other

Supporting your partner — or anyone you love for that matter — can bring a lot of happiness and health to a relationship. Helping your partner through tough times, emotional struggles and life changes can help you accomplish more together than you ever likely could on your own. Likewise, you get to share the good times and celebrate your individual wins together! The keys to supporting your partner are open communication, honesty, kindness and equality.

3. Partners Honour Requests Without Compromising Themselves

This is a masssssiiiiveee point that we want to really emphasize. Loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you can’t have boundaries. We’ll get more into boundaries and love a little later, but for now, we have to talk about your needs.

The person, or people, you love can ask for your help. BUT, you’re not obligated to help or agree to their request if it goes against your own needs, boundaries and morals. And they shouldn’t expect you to compromise yourself to help them. Unconditional love can still be considered unconditional love when boundaries are included. In fact, we HIGHLY recommend it!

4. Tough Times Are Worked Through With Kindness

It’s only natural for relationships to hit rough patches. No one is perfect and no one has a perfect relationship. You might be close, but we’re allll bound to have a disagreement every once in a while. Forgiveness, kindness, listening skills and calm communication are major players when it comes to working through rough spots. The key is that everyone in the relationship has to enact these techniques because, otherwise, it’s unfair and unkind to the other(s).

5. Partners Provide Security for Each Other

With unconditional love, there is no fear or sense of uncertainty. It’s secure, kind and loving. You don’t feel like you have to walk around on eggshells to placate the other person. It’s safe and warm, and it’s an emotional space without judgement that you share with this person.

Unconditional Love Examples

Let’s take everrryyytthing we just learned and think about ways we can put it into practice. Here are a few examples that might help you express this feeling! They might also help you answer the big overwhelming question…what IS unconditional love in a relationship? Well, it looks like this.

“I love that about you.”

“No matter what, your Dad and I will always be proud of you.”

“It’s okay to feel sad.”

“I don’t feel the same way but I understand why _______ is important you.”

“Congratulations! I’m so excited for you! You’ve worked so hard for this.”

“I know you have a really busy day so I’ve made your lunch for you.”

“Have a great day at school honey! Enjoy your lunch. Love, Dad.”

“Hey! I got you something. I saw this in the store and it made me think of you.”

Unhealthy Forms of Love to Watch For

Many of us feel that when we offer unconditional love to someone we have to continue to love them regardless of any changes — like if they cross boundaries or disregard your needs. We’re here to tell you that’s not true and that it’s actually unhealthy af to do this. This is what conditional love looks like:

1. It Comes With Limits

Loving without boundaries can lead to serious issues, like being unhappy, abused and taken advantage of. You’re not meant to overlook the hurt and pain that another person causes you. It’s not healthy and TOTALLY unfair to you.

2. Strings ARE Attached

If there are strings attached to love…OOF! That’s not good. Love is not unconditional if you or your partner are expecting the other person to be emotionally obligated in one way or another. When there are strings attached there’s an expectation of something in return. Yes, you should totally expect that the respect and love you give is reciprocated. But, if your partner is expecting you to do something uncomfortable that goes against your own wellbeing, that’s unacceptable.

3. Boundaries Are Ignored

Boundaries are sooooooo important in relationships. It’s important to communicate your boundaries with your partner in a caring and kind way so that the two of you can work to respect the other’s needs. When one person is blatantly ignoring the other’s boundaries the relationship becomes unhealthy. This behaviour can lead to hurt, neglect, pain and even abuse. We DEFINITELY don’t want that to happen to you. Stay strong and don’t let anyone cross a line and disrespect your loving heart!

4. Inappropriate Behaviour and Disrespect Is Overlooked

If someone has crossed a line, hurt you, disrespected you, and still expects you to accept it all, that’s not love. The meaning of unconditional love isn’t that you overlook this shit and accept it. You are not meant to tolerate abuse and disrespect. That should never — everrrrr — be expected of you by your partner! Remember that your needs matter and you deserve kindness and respect from the other person.

5. Needs Are Neglected

It’s normal to care for someone else’s needs when you’re in a relationship, but it’s not ok to forget about your own. It’s also not ok for someone to expect you to neglect your needs for their own benefit. That’s some controlling behaviour and we are NOT here for it.

Remember how we said that you are not obligated to assist someone and respond to their request if it compromises you in any way? Apply that shit here! You can still give someone unconditional and selfless love while respecting yourself and your boundaries. You come first, baby!

Examples of Conditional Love

“I did everything for you and all you’ve done is disappoint me.”

“This is the thanks I get? After everything I’ve given you?”

“I would think you’d respect my opinion more than that after all that I’ve given you!”

“My parents would be upset with me if I wasn’t doing well in school.”

“My parents are upset with me because they don’t like the person I’m dating.”

“Our Dad yelled at us when we didn’t match his expectations.”

“Grandma only likes to talk to me when I’m doing well in life.”

“My partner is upset with me because I want to become an artist instead of staying at my office job.”

“My best friend ignores me when I need them most, but always expects me to drop everything and help them.”

“I get chastised if my opinions are even a little different from theirs.”

How to Love Unconditionally, With Boundaries

It is totally 100% possible to love unconditionally while having boundaries for yourself and your partner. It helps both of you know what you need and expect from each other, and serves as a blueprint for how to go about your relationship. And this isn’t just for romantic relationships. This is for allllll relationships. It might be hard to establish these boundaries with people, like your parents or friends, if there is already a lot of history between you. But boundaries are necessary in order to have a healthy and respectful relationship, no matter what the dynamic is.

1. Be Transparent About Your Expectations

Be honest! It can be hard to tell people what we really want and need, but it’s necessary in order to have the other person respect your boundaries and wishes. They can’t know what they are unless you telllll them.

Have a little sit down with them. Maybe pull out a glass of wine and say “Ok, I want us to have the healthiest relationship possible, so we need to know what the other person wants and needs,” then lay out your expectations for them. If at any point this other person doesn’t respect your boundaries and expectations, then tell them! Don’t hold that shit in! Be honest about how that makes you feel and work together to correct it. (But the key is making sure that they don’t take advantage of you. Remember what we said about that? Good!)

2. Learn to Listen

Listening has to be a two-way street in any relationship! You can actively work to become a better listener so that you hear and know what your partner needs. Listening helps the other person feel seen, heard, respected and cared for. What beautiful feelings to give to someone you love, right?! When we stop listening, communication breaks down and conflict starts to pop up. And conflict leads to negative emotions, so we want to avoid that as much as we can.

So, open up your ears and open up your heart because learning to love and listen is hella important!

3. Communicate in a Non-Defensive Way

If you’ve been hurt by your partner, try to approach them in a calm and open manner. Learning to communicate in a healthy and effective way can be difficult when you feel so strongly about things. But conflict can’t be resolved when you both come in hot with emotions running high. That will only help create a defence spiral where the two of you start blaming the other for any issues.

That’s uhh… that’s not going to get you anywhere. So, approach every tough conversation with patience and understanding. But also take no shit! It’s a fine line to walk, but we know you can do it!

4. Notice Control Tactics

If the other person in the relationship is trying to control, gaslight, or manipulate you, shut that shit dowwwwn. We know that it’s not possible to do this in every situation, because safety can be a real concern. But don’t let anyone treat you unfairly. If this is happening, reach out to people around you, contact domestic violence organizations or safe houses in your area for advice or shelter, and reach out to friends and family for help. Keep your eyes peeled for any relationship red flags. YOU ARE DESERVING OF LOVE AND RESPECT, and anyone who makes you feel less than isn’t willing to love you unconditionally.

5. Share Power

No one person should have the upper-hand in a relationship. That’s an unhealthy and abusive dynamic that can get unsafe really quickly. A relationship isn’t a competition, it’s about sharing your life with another person. There should be respect on both sides and an understanding that you both have value, and you both have to be open to listening and changing.

Unconditional love, simply put, is the kindest version of ourselves — but we don’t have to offer up this love without bounds. Unconditional love is the choice to love and respect each other every single day. It doesn’t come without its difficulties, but when you get it right, it feels sooooo good. Love has the ability to improve our lives, benefit our mental health and help us become the best possible version of ourselves. Life becomes happier, brighter and more exciting when you have loving people to share it all with.